Lee Nelson: interview
As the TV star takes his 'Well Good Show' on the road, Lee Nelson gives Time Out some valuable life coaching.
You have a remarkable sense of fashion. What tips can you give to our readers?
'Just be yourself, it don't matter what you wear, especially in London. The other day I saw the most crazy dressed bird walking along in Shoreditch - none of her clothes matched, she was wearing a massive pair of sunglasses even though it was raining and she'd even put a fluorescent jacket on her dog. Mental! And one more thing - unless you've sold over five million records, don't wear a dress made of meat. My nan tried it once; everyone ripped it out of her at bingo.'
What's the correct way to wear a baseball cap?
'On your head, you idiot.'
How low should trousers be worn?
'Depends whether or not you're taking a dump.'
Time Out readers have a notoriously limited and dated vocabulary. Are there any words you think we should introduce them to, and could you put them into a sentence to give them an idea of how to use them?
'Legend. Your Mum. Well Good. Qwaliteeeeee! It's well good that the legend Lee Nelson is doing extra shows at the Bloomsbury Theatre on November 14 and 28 and his brand new DVD is out on November 29. Qwaliteeeeee! Your mum.'
What music should we listen to?
'Dizzee Rascal, Wiley, Tinie Tempah. My nan does brilliant cover versions of all of them.'
Should this be listened to through headphones, or out loud through a mobile phone?
'It depends how many people are at your party.'
Like Time Out, you're a true Londoner. What are your top five things to do in London?
'1. Watch “Transformers 2” on Blu-ray with some mates.
'2. Order pizzas from Dominos on a Tuesday and get their “Two for Tuesday” deal.
'3. Play “Call of Duty” on the PS3.
'4. Finger someone.
'5. Watch “Transformers 2” again.'
You and your girlfriend, Amber, have a young son called Stairwell - what's the greatest challenge about being a dad in 2010?
'Stairwell's always pushing the boundaries; he's just started looking at some naughty websites so we've now got a password to access the internet. Unfortunately he won't tell us what it is. Discipline with a kid that age is well difficult. It's actually illegal to hit your own kid these days so you got to get a neighbour to do it.'
How has your life changed since you became famous?
'Since I've been on telly I get given a lot of free stuff. In fact just this morning I was coming out the tube, this bloke must have recognised me and he give me a newspaper. On the down side people make stuff up about you. There's this one girl who's telling everyone on Facebook that I'm rubbish in bed and that I can't last more than five minutes and that I've got a tiny dong. I've actually never met this girl in my life and I ain't going to rest till I find out who told her.'
Do you receive a lot more attention from the ladies?
'Yeah, birds love a bit of famous pecker in them.'
Who are your idols?
'I like David Beckham cos he names his kids after where he done it which is what I done. He's got Brooklyn (he done it in America), Cruz (he done it on a P&O ferry), Romeo (he done it in the back of an Alfa). And I've got Stairwell (I done it in a stairwell). I also love John Terry. England captain, well loaded and - bonus - his dad's a drug dealer. What a laugh he must have had as a kid - every Christmas was a white Christmas in the Terry household.'
Now you're a role model for millions, do you have to watch your behaviour?
'I don't have to but me and Amber do like filming ourselves and watching it the next day.'
You must have made a lot of money from your television programme. What's the biggest thing you've bought since becoming rich?
'A 65in 3D TV. Incredible! Though I wouldn't recommend watching porn on it - nearly took my eye out.'
Will your singing nan and your 'fat legend' of a friend Omelette be on tour with you?
'Nah, it's just me on tour. My nan's refusing to come along. Since the TV show she's turned into a bit of a diva - she's like Mariah Carey these days but with a well saggier pair. And unfortunately Omelette can't come either 'cos most of the venues have got stairs.'
What can people expect when they come to see your 'Well Good Tour'?
'Two hours of proper funnies and some after-show extras for the three fittest birds in the audience.'
'Lee Nelson's Well Good Tour' is at the Bloomsbury Theatre, Nov 14 & 28.