Luisa Omielan on how to survive being single on Valentine’s day

Happy couples are engaging in sickening displays of affection. But what about the rest of us? The Beyoncé of comedy, Luisa Omielan, offers some advice

What a dumb sentence. I mean, we all survive being single on Valentine’s Day. It’s not like we drop dead and revive on February 15, like a loved-up Christ. Valentine’s Day on your own can be awesome. Honest. Click through the pictures below to find out how…

  • Surviving breakfast

    First, get up early and cook yourself a killer breakfast. Make it a fry up, none of this porridge nonsense – you’re going to have a busy day of lovemaking… with yourself! Bacon, fried bread, the works – it’s OK, no one is going to see your fatness. (If anything, you need to plump up to keep warm. It is cold out there, mumma.)

  • Self-confidence

    When you’ve finished eating, pass a mirror and say, ‘Oh hi, beautiful, I am so lucky to be spending the day with you.’ Do not flinch. Keep your game face.

  • What to wear?

    Get dressed and wear whatever pants you like. There’s no need to squeeze into sexy lingerie if you don’t want to, sister. If last year’s Santa knickers take your fancy, wear ’em! Even if they start playing ‘Jingle Bells’ on the tube, good! It will be a clear signal that there is a party in your pants and everyone is invited. Well, not everyone…

  • Postal worries

    Do NOT check the post for cards. Do NOT ring your mum and ask if anything got sent to your home address. Do NOT write the status update, ‘OMG, can’t open door for post!’ Everyone knows you’re lying.

  • Surviving work (yawn)

    When someone gets flowers delivered from a real partner, turn to them, say, ‘Aww, they are so beautiful,’ pat them on the back and then whisper, ‘It must be difficult to be so reliant on someone else for your own happiness.’ Do a hair flick and walk away like the strong independent woman you are. Then order yourself something unnecessary and expensive from eBay to make yourself temporarily feel better. (Did I say temporarily? Diamonds last a lifetime, bitches. As do Isabel Marant high tops… Well, kinda).

  • Soundtracking heartbreak

    If you’re recently heartbroken, go to the toilet and listen to Adele’s ‘Someone Like You’. Then slap yourself. Hard. Was your previous Valentine’s with your ex ever really that amazing? Well, this one will be! Switch the track to ‘Single Ladies’ and strut out of that bathroom like a supermodel. (If it really was amazing, I’m really sorry about that. Stay in the toilet and press repeat. Check his Twitter if it helps. #ItNeverHelps.)

  • Nearly there…

    After work, book a table and go for a fabulous meal. Or order a Chinese in a onesie. Either way, make sure you spend it with really good friends who love you and make you happy. Have cocktails and desserts, and share stories of the best and worse sex you’ve ever had, complete with accompanying mimes. Once it’s time for bed, get the electric blanket going and sprinkle some water on the sheet to create a wet patch on one side. By the time you get in, it will feel like someone else has already been lying there.

    You might not be getting wooed by ‘the one’, you might be getting wooed by not-the-one, or you might not be getting wooed at all. Whichever way, you should treat every day like Valentine’s Day, by spoiling the person that deserves it most: you! You have an electric blanket, hoisin sauce and a wet patch: if anything, babe, you’ve just nailed Valentine’s. (At least something got nailed, am I right ladies?! Ladies?! Hello…? Hello?! Oh, hello, can I get some more satay chicken, please…)

Surviving breakfast

First, get up early and cook yourself a killer breakfast. Make it a fry up, none of this porridge nonsense – you’re going to have a busy day of lovemaking… with yourself! Bacon, fried bread, the works – it’s OK, no one is going to see your fatness. (If anything, you need to plump up to keep warm. It is cold out there, mumma.)

See Luisa Omielan in London

Luisa Omielan's Valentines WWBD + Afterparty

  • Critics choice

Feelgood comic Luisa Omielan gets into the anti-Valentine's spirit, hosting this gig for all the single ladies. Well, singletons in general, really – but it's always good to get a Beyoncé reference in there, since the sassy stand-up is performing her latest comedy hour 'What Would Beyoncé Do?' followed by a DJ set from Olly Stock. Come for the comedy, stay for the party!

  1. The Forum 9-17 Highgate Rd, NW5 1JY
  2. Sat Feb 13
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