Wolfgang Weinberger: interview
Wolfgang Weinberger's new show, 'A Guide to Sexual Misery' has hit the stage in London town. The unlikely sex expert talks to Time Out about...err, sex. And whether ugly women are better in bed (they are, apparently)
Are funny men more attractive to women?
‘No. That’s a complete myth. Funny men are not more attractive to women. Rich, powerful men who are also very funny are more attractive to women.’
Taking this to the extreme: surely women would rather have a male model with no sense of humour than a hilarious, obese gentleman with a tiny penis?
‘Again, no. Chunky guys only appear less endowed. Their crown jewels are just a wee bit better hidden, as the following anatomical comparison (top right) between the two body types illustrates…
‘As you can see they’re both the same size. So why not have some fun and laughter with a chubby?’
Is laughter during sex a good thing?
‘Absolutely and unequivocally, YES! Together with long flannel nightgowns, laughter during sex is the best natural birth-control device.’
Is there a type of comedy that goes best with sex? Silent? Slapstick? Political satire? Quiz-show format?
‘The best comedy with sex will come from hanging a huge mirror over your bed.’
Are ugly women better in bed?
‘Ugly women are MUCH better in bed! For a simple reason: the beauties are constantly worried that they’ll look ugly while they’re at it and hence cannot fully concentrate on the task at hand (or at leg).’
Presumably if a woman cracks up after her partner prematurely ejaculates that’s considered unfair and/or rude?
‘No – it is considered useless, as even the heartiest and most cheerful laughter will not get the lead back in the pencil.’
How much sex is too much?
‘However much your partner wants from you is usually too much.’
Do you think God designed the scrotum on purpose, or was it some sort of mistake?
‘No, I wouldn’t go so far as to say she designed it by mistake. Rather by mischief. Sure, the testicles cannot just be neatly tucked in under the abs. For cooling purposes they have to be hung on the outside (if the testes overheat sperm production will go downhill). However, the design of the scrotum is somewhat wanting and tends to amuse rather than awe. Very sloppy job, God.’
Should the ‘try anything once’ maxim apply to sex?
‘Difficult to say. These days almost anything goes – heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, trisexual
(that’s those of us who’ll try everything). However, look before you leap. It may be too late (and/or costly) once you’re handcuffed in a Ryanair toilet.’
Are there any warm-up exercises you can recommend?
‘For guys: push-ups; for gals: squats.’
Are there any things you really should or shouldn't laugh at? Falling out of bed? Inadvertent noises? Cramp?
‘Oh, come on! What’s wrong with laughing about those kind of things? There’s nothing better to free the inhibited mind than to laugh about mishaps. It will get you all loosened up – and then you’ll have a shag to remember! So, all together now, corners of your mouth turned up…’
How much do attitudes to sex vary by nationality? Are you expecting the Brits to be more uptight than the Aussies?
‘One: I am AUSTRIAN not an Aussie. But not to worry, you only missed by about 18,000 miles. Two: as an Austrian I come from a country where people sometimes lock up blood relatives in basements for pleasure purposes. Three: hence, I’d be surprised if the Brits where more warped than my own folks. Should be about the same.’
Wolfgang Weinberger’s ‘A Guide to Sexual Misery’ is at Leicester Square Theatre until May 23.
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