London

Landmark
North
Palace
Alexandra Palace. Opened as the People’s Palace in 1873, Ally Pally sits majestically above 196 acres of parkland. Sixteen days after it opened, it burnt down. It had time to be the site of the first public television tranmissions in 1936, but burnt down again in 1980. The fact that there’s anything here at all shows that it’s not only cosmetically impressive – it’s also hard.
Riverbank
The north bank of the Thames has the Houses of Parliament, St Paul’s Cathedral and the City skyline at Canary Wharf. Which beats an oversized Ferris wheel and a mangy book stall.

South
Palace
Crystal Palace. Originally a huge construction of iron and a million feet of glass constructed in 1851 for the Great Exhibition, the Palace later had the privilege of being shifted out to Sydenham Hill. John Logie Baird, the inventor of television, set up his own company here. In 1937 he successfully transmitted a TV signal from here to the Dominion Theatre – in colour.
Riverbank
You can walk down the South Bank, and it is home to some of the world’s greatest cultural institutions. Admittedly we have more silver-faced mime artists and rubbish jugglers.

North wins! Feature continues

Market
North
Much maligned, Camden Market is one of London’s wonders. Where else can you buy takeaway falafel, a chest of drawers, magic mushrooms and a nipple-piercing?

South
Bermondsey Market was until recently designated a march� ouvert, which meant that if an item was sold before sunrise, its providence could not be questioned, so stolen goods could be traded with impunity.

South wins!

Night out
North
Comedy venue
Downstairs at the King’s Head in Crouch End. A viciously low-ceilinged venue under a now-revamped boozer, with a consistently high standard of comics.
Club
Canvas. This huge venue (formerly Bagleys) is a great space for one-off parties, mini-festivals, and the weekly rollerdisco sessions. King’s Cross is where it’s at.
Venue
KOKO. Following a £5 million revamp, what was once the Camden Palace is now a state-of-the-art gig venue. It used to be a Victorian theatre, so it’s hosted everyone from Charlie Chaplin to Madonna. Ha!

South
Comedy venue
Banana Cabaret at The Bedford. Gets top-name comedians, and it’s ten times bigger than the King’s Head.
Club
Ministry of Sound. This legendary club-turned-megabrand has rediscovered a sense of direction with the likes of its power-packed new Friday nighter, Switch. Yet another excuse to visit Elephant & Castle.
Venue
Brixton Academy. Still the venue that every live act visiting London wants to play. Also, its art deco interior is where the video for Billy Ocean’s ‘When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going’ was filmed.

North wins!

On film
North
King’s Cross has appeared on film countless times, but rarely better than in Ealing classic ‘The Ladykillers’. But then they went and let the side down with ‘Notting Hill’ and Highgate-set tear-fest ‘Truly Madly Deeply’.

South
Gary Oldman’s New Cross-set ‘Nil by Mouth’ is terrifying. One reviewer wrote ‘Alcohol, drugs and poverty: they are facts of life in contemporary south London’, clearly never having been to Dulwich Village.

South wins!

Outdoors
North
Park
We’ll plump for the sprawling greenery of Hampstead Heath, with the bonus of Kenwood House.
Swimming
Parliament Hill Lido. The lido itself is Grade II listed, and unless you’ve got a penthouse Jacuzzi, this is the best view you’ll get across London while floating in water.
View
The benches on Primrose Hill give a fantastic angle on London, from one of the city’s highest points. And the Stones shot an album cover here.

South
Park
Wimbledon Common has ponds and a golf course where you have to wear an item of red clothing to play. We’ve also got Wombles – which you don’t.
Swimming
Tooting Bec Lido, with attractive little ‘dressing sheds’. As for a touch of celebrity, part of ‘Snatch’ was filmed here (so Brad Pitt has visited). Oh, and did we mention that it’s the largest open-air pool in Europe?
View
The view from General Wolf’s column outside Greenwich observatory is clearly the best in London. And there’s no chance of Jude Law or anyone else from the Primrose Hill set obscuring it.

South wins!