London

1 Bus drivers on drugs That’s powdery , white, mad drugs. Is there any other explanation for how they drive?

2 Identikit south-west Londoners Deck shoes, polo shirt (with collar up), chinos and big, stupid face.

3 Handwritten lists of directions next to Standard-seller pitches (or Biro’d ‘No directions’ signs). The friendly face of London for lost tourists.

4 The rumour that Sir Norman Foster had the idea for the Gherkin in the bath.

5 Directional haircuts.

6 …actually, the word ‘directional’.

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7 The sign on the Crouch End clock tower that says ‘London 5 miles’.

8 People pretending to drive the DLR.

9 This announcement ‘The District Line is suspended between Earl’s Court and Whitechapel. The Northern Line is experiencing severe delays after a signal failure at Camden. The Waterloo & City Line is closed until 2007. Central Line trains are not stopping at Marble Arch due to a customer taking ill. And the Bakerloo Line is temporarily closed. All other services are running as normal.’

10 Ken For getting away with it.

11 ‘Watching the men sitting alone sadly eating their dinner in Chicken Cottage, because it reminds me that there are people in the world worse off than me – someone who sits alone sadly eating my dinner in KFC.’ Richard Herring, comic

12 Angst-ridden goths glowering on buses in Camden Town. It's 'The Matrix' as written by Alan Bennet.

13 Non-smokers sitting outside pubs on Tottenham Court Road. It's the A400 - one of the most polluted roads in the world.

14 Saveloys A mélange of gristle and eyeballs in a pink casing that remains inexplicably popular in the world’s food capital.

15 The claim that London is now the world’s food capital.

16 Guy Ritchie.

17 When a tourist sees you swipe your Oystercard then attempts to do the same with their paper ticket.

18 The little hammers in glass boxes on some commuter trains that bear a notice saying ‘In case of emergency, use hammer to break glass.’ How exactly?

19 The homeless gent on Charlotte Street who has incorporated the ‘Catch-22’ concept into his pitch: ‘I bet you a quid you won’t buy the Big Issue.’

20 People falling asleep on the tube. Every single time it happens.