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Slang Teen slang changes all the time, and the best advice for anyone over 25 is to avoid using it. However, if you’re eavesdropping you’ll need to know a few key definitions. ‘Choong’, ‘sprung’ and ‘whipped’ are all positive things to be, since they imply that you are good looking; something ‘sick’ is just generally good. ‘Wasted’ now means ugly rather than out of it; a ‘waste gash’ is a very unpleasant thing to call a girl. Geek has now morphed into ‘neek’, and ‘wifey’ is the latest thing that boys call their serious girlfriends.

If you hear you’re about to be ‘murked’, ‘eaten’, or ‘shanked’, start worrying as the first two mean beaten up and the last means stabbed. ‘Boyed’ is more tricky to translate; it means something roughly like ignored. A few more: ‘low it’ means stop it; ‘jam’, ‘plot’ and ‘cotch’ all mean sit down and relax; a ‘shubz’ is a party; and ‘bossman’ is what you call someone who is serving you, like a waiter. Some things don’t change: a spliff is still a spliff, you still go home to your yard, manor or drum, and a gat is still what it was in 1930s gangster films. Sick! Feature continues

Websites MySpace is now quite old, though the fact that it’s been upgraded with new features means it’s kept its currency with teenagers. ‘I think if you don’t have a MySpace page, you’re excluded from the teenage world,’ says Amanda, 19. ‘It’s your passport, your identity.’ ‘Hi5.com is the same, but it’s on a smaller scale,’ says Obie, 17. ‘It’s got more features – you can create your own background, high-five people and add music to your page.’ The DIY video website YouTube is also popular. ‘I remember when Peter Crouch did his robotic goal celebration there was immediately about five different remixes of it on YouTube,’ says Joel, 16.

Gadgets iPods, particularly video ones, are still clinging on to their cool credentials, though other MP3 players are catching up fast – Obie cites Sony as a hot brand. Managing your technology is a full-time job for your average teenager. ‘In my handbag at the moment I’ve got my iPod, my phone, spare batteries, everything,’ says Amanda. ‘In the old days you’d have just had your lipgloss and your mirror.’ Blackberries, though, are far too bulky to be de rigueur. ‘Everything’s got to be small,’ says Amanda. ‘Apart from your breast size. That’s got to be massive.’ Communication Your phone can be any brand you like, but it must take video as well as photos, so that you can upload your life on to image-hosting websites like www.flickr.com and www.photobucket.com, and then email a link to all your mates. Note that a phone is also not worth having unless it’s got Bluetooth, since this is how it will link up to the rest of your communications network. ‘Teenage life is all on show,’ says Amanda. ‘In the past, everyone used to write diaries, didn’t they? But that was a private thing. Now they write a blog – everyone can view a blog. It’s got a bit more competitive, maybe – your life has got to be better than everyone else’s.’

Celebrities Not all teenagers buy into gormless celebrity culture, but even the refuseniks need to know about it in order to reject it. Katie Price’s book ‘Angel’ was cited as a popular teen touchstone, and the Doherty ’n’ Moss saga has also been followed closely. Aisleyne from ‘Big Brother’ was the perfect example of a certain type of would-be ghetto princess, according to Amanda. ‘But you wouldn’t want to say she’s a role model,’ she hastens to add. ‘Just like you wouldn’t want to say Vicky Pollard is a role model.’

Clothes According to Obie, good label-names to drop are Bape (the clothing imprint favoured by Pharrell Williams, of which Bape Sta trainers are the most prized in the range), LRG (an urban men’s label) and Adicolour (Adidas tracksuits). Thrifty teens are especially keen on Primark knock-offs, jokingly referred to as Primani. Joel, an aspirant DJ, notes that dancefloor fashion works on the principle that ‘less is more’ – so no change there, then.

Naturally, the worst thing an older person can do is try to adopt teen fashion. ‘The cut-off tights thing is the classic one at the moment,’ says Obie. ‘I see some old people not pulling it off very well.’ ‘They buy iPods just to look hip,’ adds Amanda witheringly. ‘Then they change the headphones so they don’t get jacked.’