London

See 101 more things to do before you leave London

1 The knees-up
Jimmy, genuine pearly king of Camberwell, says… First, you need an all right boozer. You don’t always need a piano like we’ve got here, but it helps. You need pie and mash, jellied eels, cockles and plenty of booze. I don’t drink bitter, it’s a horrible bleeding drink, so I’ll have a lager. The old girls’ll have a stout and the women’ll have gin or Babycham. Years ago, every Friday night there was a knees-up, but it’s a dying art now.

Most of the old cockney pubs are now yuppie bars. You might get frog’s legs but they won’t have seen a jellied eel in donkey’s years. I can eat jellies and cockles till they’re coming out my ears, but I don’t like whelks and winkles. I tried a whelk a few years back and it took me half-an-hour to eat it; it’s like chewing an inner tube.
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I do a singing act for the oldies – ‘Lambeth Walk’, ‘Maybe it’s Because I’m a Londoner’, ‘Take Your Mince Pies off My Bristols’. You don’t have to sing in tune. I learnt my songs outside the Hen and Chicken on East Street in Walworth and the bloke on the piano played like he wore boxing gloves. You can’t sing cockney like Robbie Williams or Freddie Mercury – it just ain’t right. You’ve got to belt it out.

These are folk songs; some of them go back to Dickens’s time. But youngsters aren’t interested in our culture. There’s only 30 of us going out there preaching the pearly gospel and in another 20 or 30 years that’ll be the end of the knees-up.
Thanks to William IV, 7 Shepherdess Walk, N1 (020 3119 3012) For donations to Jim’s Donkey Care Centre, visit www.genuinelondonpearlykingsandqueens.co.uk

2 Dine out at the dogs
You have to book a few weeks in advance, but there are two sit-down restaurants overlooking the dog track at Walthamstow Stadium. Fritter money on the puppies while you eat – and it’s got to be scampi.
Paddock Grill & Stowaway Grill, Walthamstow Stadium, Chingford Rd, E4 (www.wsgreyhound.co.uk) Walthamstow Central tube.

3 Get classical in a crypt
Listen to classical music by candlelight at St Martin-in-the-Fields (Thursdays to Saturdays, and alternate Tuesdays, 7.30pm). The evening performances are worth the entry fee; lunchtime recitals are free.
St Martin-in-the-Fields, Trafalgar Square, WC2 (020 7839 8362/www.stmartin-in-the-fields.org) Charing Cross tube/rail.

4 Buy a brand new skin at Brown’s Hotel
A combination of dry skin buffing, filing, clipping and scrubbing, with a soothing foot and leg massage, nail conditioning, and polishing. Pure luxury for £60.
Brown’s Hotel, Albemarle St,W1 (020 7493 6020/www.brownshotel.com) Green Park tube.

5 Get instant karma
Visit the beautiful Kyoto Gardens in Holland Park. The bridge at the foot of a waterfall is one of the city’s most peaceful spots.
Holland Park tube.

6 Go night fishing
Anyone can dangle their rod in the pond on Clapham Common, but check the website to make sure there are no competitions taking place.
(www.claphamangling.co.uk) Clapham Common tube.