Things to avoid in London
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By Steve Lowe and Alan McArthur. Illustration Marcus Oakley
Posted: Tue Nov 14 2006 
DON’T... Spend hundreds of pounds on a night’s bowling
All Star Lanes, Bloomsbury, offers you the chance to enjoy the popular sport of bowling in a chi-chi environment that includes the chance to glug delicious cocktails. It caters for a major gap in the market, giving ‘London’s most discerning clients’ the opportunity to spaz 100 quid on an evening in a frigging bowling alley. How do they think they can get away with this? Oh, that’s right: this is London. A place with a whole class of people for whom ‘Well, I quite like it, but isn’t there any way you could make it more pointlessly expensive?’ is a regularly expressed opinion.We are mere whiskers away from Schrager-designed international calls shops, doctors’ surgeries with brasseries, supermarkets with coffee shops in every aisle (resulting in people getting so caffeinated that, by the time they get the freezer aisle, they start throwing themselves at the insides of the windows), Thameslink carriages with their own fully operational casinos and newsagents with burlesque dancers. It’s bowling. Basically, what is happening here is that you are going bowling. Bowling: that’s all it is. It’s bowling. Feature continues
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DON’T... Expect to hear The Truth from The Streets (feat Pete Doherty)
The two foremost generational spokespeople made their names telling the truth about the youth on the streets – one of them is even called The Streets, which gives some of idea of his dedication to the cause. Since then, though, Mike Skinner and Pete Doherty have joined forces for ‘Prangin’ Out’ to turn their attentions to more elevated matters. In a word: crack. And they should know about it. They’ve done loads of the stuff. Possibly even more than the (happily, now clean) woman featured on the front the South London Press recently under the headline ‘I Married Three Times for Crack’. So what have these two twenty-first century poet-princes come to? Crack has its downsides, apparently. Oh, and fame? It’s not all it’s cracked up to be (no pun intended).
DON’T... Expect to get your child into a school anywhere near where you live
One key aspect of the government’s bold, choice-based, mental vision for London education is that no child must be able to reach school without first spending an hour online scouring the TfL journey planner. This will help develop their all-important Acrobat Reader skills. Lambeth has secondary school places for fewer than half the children in the borough. The council has dealt with this by turning the lights off and pretending to be out. Camden Council’s report ‘Building Schools for the Future’ revealed that of the 2,000 11-year-olds in Camden each year, only 800 will get a place in a Camden secondary. The report also told parents campaigning in Bloomsbury that, though the Council acknowledged their need for a school, clearly they can’t possibly expect to have one – because it’s ‘too expensive’. Yup, that’s schools for you: just one pointless expense after another.
‘Is It Just Me or Is Everything Shit? Volume 2’ by Steve Lowe and Alan McArthur is published by Little Brown at £10.99.- Add your comment to this feature
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11 comments
Please stay, traveler - you sound like bags of fun!
Do NOT expect Indian food at any of the so-called Indian restaurants. Check out the menu for spelling of dishes you're familiar with...if they're newly spelt, most likely they are Bangladeshi spellings.
90% of the "indian restaurants" in London are run by Bangladeshis, who don't make good Indian food. I was disappointed with virtually every indian restaurant I tried here, no matter what the area.
Avoid all 'indian restaurants' on Brick Lane - they're 100% bangladeshi. Though you may sample their cuisine if you so desire.
This is not an insult to anyone trying to pose as indian restaurants, it is just a caution :)
avoid london phone boxes. they are nasty
Why would you go to a chain / pizza express if you're "looking for good and interesting food"?
This site is full of restaurant recommendations, many good and interesting, but pizza and a chain - by definition it's supposed to taste the same everywhere - why??
weird!!!
Things to avoid in London? London itself. Try New York - more buzzing, more multi-cultural, less self conscious.
Amsterdam - more quaint, more sinful, more environmental.
Paris - more cultured, more haughty, more stylish.
Rome - more fun, warmer, better ruins, better ice cream.
All of the above - cheaper, better value.
Things to avoid in London? those women on Westminster Bridge that that force you to buy those flowers wraped in tin foil saying it is for charity!!! WHAT CHARITY!! they have no ID for any charity.
I agree completely with the Pizza Express comment. As a frequent business traveller to London, I am always looking for good and interesting food and I had heard of Pizza Express so I tried the one at Olympia. I actually enjoyed my first meal there and foolishly returned later on the same trip. On this return visit I was subjected to an obnoxiously rude waiter who acted as though he owned the retaurant and who enusred I was to be completely unhappy by recruiting the pizza cooks into his world of abusing a customer (all of whom were sitting at a table doing no work at all) and then I was met by a useless "supervisor" who offered nothing but apologies for my ill treatment. It took me 3 weeks of dogged complaining to get yet another apology in a letter from a Manager along with some gift certificates (which I have not and will never use).
In all of my travels I have never experienced such determination by a restaurant chain to absolutely fail to provide good service (or even food!) to their customer. Absolutely shocking. I would only recommend Pizza Express if you were planning to covertly film a dark humor bit for Youtube!
Avoid Pizza Express - lovely looking but complete rip off and bad service!!! 9 quid for a sad excuse of what was once called 'pizza' - not even cooked in a wood fired oven, lacking flavour and the cost to the customer far outweighs the cost to make the pizza. Londoners are sadly deprived of a good evening out with their family without having to pay Gordon Ramsay's prices for excellent food and french cuisine. McDonalds is a much nicer dining experience and 'value for money' than Pizza Express. ITs criminal how much they charge for mundane food attempting to be 'pizza'. They definately have the 'Express' part under their belts.
Things to avoid in London? The so-called Robot & Animation Experience at the old County Hall. The massive signs look great. The 'event' is a total joke. Some radio controlled cars, a few Aibos, and a Segway circuit. Save your money!! Absolutely embarrassing and, in my opinion, a cheap scam to get money from gullible tourists.
Plus no refund policy and no formal complaint procedure.
Things to avoid in London?
Cheeko's and Whooley's house are top of my list.