DON’T... Spend hundreds of pounds on a night’s bowling
All Star Lanes, Bloomsbury, offers you the chance to enjoy the popular sport of bowling in a chi-chi environment that includes the chance to glug delicious cocktails. It caters for a major gap in the market, giving ‘London’s most discerning clients’ the opportunity to spaz 100 quid on an evening in a frigging bowling alley. How do they think they can get away with this? Oh, that’s right: this is London. A place with a whole class of people for whom ‘Well, I quite like it, but isn’t there any way you could make it more pointlessly expensive?’ is a regularly expressed opinion.
We are mere whiskers away from Schrager-designed international calls shops, doctors’ surgeries with brasseries, supermarkets with coffee shops in every aisle (resulting in people getting so caffeinated that, by the time they get the freezer aisle, they start throwing themselves at the insides of the windows), Thameslink carriages with their own fully operational casinos and newsagents with burlesque dancers. It’s bowling. Basically, what is happening here is that you are going bowling. Bowling: that’s all it is. It’s bowling. Feature continues
DON’T... Expect to hear The Truth from The Streets (feat Pete Doherty)
The two foremost generational spokespeople made their names telling the truth about the youth on the streets – one of them is even called The Streets, which gives some of idea of his dedication to the cause. Since then, though, Mike Skinner and Pete Doherty have joined forces for ‘Prangin’ Out’ to turn their attentions to more elevated matters. In a word: crack. And they should know about it. They’ve done loads of the stuff. Possibly even more than the (happily, now clean) woman featured on the front the South London Press recently under the headline ‘I Married Three Times for Crack’. So what have these two twenty-first century poet-princes come to? Crack has its downsides, apparently. Oh, and fame? It’s not all it’s cracked up to be (no pun intended). 
DON’T... Expect to get your child into a school anywhere near where you live
One key aspect of the government’s bold, choice-based, mental vision for London education is that no child must be able to reach school without first spending an hour online scouring the TfL journey planner. This will help develop their all-important Acrobat Reader skills. Lambeth has secondary school places for fewer than half the children in the borough. The council has dealt with this by turning the lights off and pretending to be out. Camden Council’s report ‘Building Schools for the Future’ revealed that of the 2,000 11-year-olds in Camden each year, only 800 will get a place in a Camden secondary. The report also told parents campaigning in Bloomsbury that, though the Council acknowledged their need for a school, clearly they can’t possibly expect to have one – because it’s ‘too expensive’. Yup, that’s schools for you: just one pointless expense after another.
‘Is It Just Me or Is Everything Shit? Volume 2’ by Steve Lowe and Alan McArthur is published by Little Brown at £10.99.
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7 comments
Avoiding Raul's ex-girlfriend? Dunno...you might try chatting her up if she's a looker...
What to avoid in London?...anything written by Steve Lowe and Alan McArthur I'd imagine. Time Out is a global brand, and London is a bastion the world over for everything which is eclectic and fun. Any commentary on such a world renowned metropolis doesn't need such foul tirades of 4 letter profanities to boost it, unless your writing abilities are so lacking they need obscuring by such. If you can pointlessly publish f**k and s**t then I can call you two a pair of useless tw**s and k**bheads.
I agree completely with the Pizza Express comment. As a frequent business traveller to London, I am always looking for good and interesting food and I had heard of Pizza Express so I tried the one at Olympia. I actually enjoyed my first meal there and foolishly returned later on the same trip. On this return visit I was subjected to an obnoxiously rude waiter who acted as though he owned the retaurant and who enusred I was to be completely unhappy by recruiting the pizza cooks into his world of abusing a customer (all of whom were sitting at a table doing no work at all) and then I was met by a useless "supervisor" who offered nothing but apologies for my ill treatment. It took me 3 weeks of dogged complaining to get yet another apology in a letter from a Manager along with some gift certificates (which I have not and will never use).
In all of my travels I have never experienced such determination by a restaurant chain to absolutely fail to provide good service (or even food!) to their customer. Absolutely shocking. I would only recommend Pizza Express if you were planning to covertly film a dark humor bit for Youtube!
Avoid Pizza Express - lovely looking but complete rip off and bad service!!! 9 quid for a sad excuse of what was once called 'pizza' - not even cooked in a wood fired oven, lacking flavour and the cost to the customer far outweighs the cost to make the pizza. Londoners are sadly deprived of a good evening out with their family without having to pay Gordon Ramsay's prices for excellent food and french cuisine. McDonalds is a much nicer dining experience and 'value for money' than Pizza Express. ITs criminal how much they charge for mundane food attempting to be 'pizza'. They definately have the 'Express' part under their belts.
Things to avoid in London? The so-called Robot & Animation Experience at the old County Hall. The massive signs look great. The 'event' is a total joke. Some radio controlled cars, a few Aibos, and a Segway circuit. Save your money!! Absolutely embarrassing and, in my opinion, a cheap scam to get money from gullible tourists.
Plus no refund policy and no formal complaint procedure.
Things to avoind in Londo?
My ex-girlfriend.
Things to avoid in London?
Cheeko's and Whooley's house are top of my list.