London

DON’T... Rent a house off an Islamic fundamentalist
The news that medievalist jailbird Abu Hamza owns a buy-to-let property in Greenford is a serious cause for concern. Because really, in the current uncertain climate, is this a wholly wise choice of investment? Hasn’t Hamza taken on Sarah Beeny’s advice that, with today’s rental returns, anyone entering the sector is liable to get their fingers burnt (no offence)? And, really, a man in Abs’ position – if he wants to be taken seriously – really wants to spending all his money on jihad.

Bet he got too personally involved in the renovation and started forgetting his target market (he is, after all, generally quite an emotive person): possibly daubing slogans denouncing Zionist conspiracies across the living room wall; or building an assault course in the back garden (when the likely tenants in this area would clearly prefer a plain sandpit or paddling pool. Or chippings). Feature continues

DON’T... Trust politicians who live in places called something Hill
Particularly watch out for spookily blank politico risers based around a hilly London locale called David who have just had their lives changed forever by going to see ‘An Inconvenient Truth’. Yes, these hot thirtysomething Parliament princes have only just clocked global warming. But, hey, they’ve been busy. Those greasy poles won’t climb themselves. Anyway, it’s all very exciting. Over in Notting Hill, David Cameron is encouraging by example; he’s got a windmill on his house. Sadly, he has already reneged on his promise to grind grain for the whole neighbourhood.

Notting Hill, incidentally, is massively over-rated – it’s not even much of a hill. Primrose Hill is more of a hill and Primrose Hill Set leader David Miliband is the environment secretary, which is in the government, and in September he told the Labour conference that ‘people should be scared about global warming’. So he’s definitely on top of his brief. Maybe soon, the two Daves will reach cross-party/cross-Hill consensus that the time for speeches and idle gestures is over and then do a joint speech intoning: ‘Look, the time for speeches and idle gestures is over. Oh – look at our little cars. Indeed, take pictures of our little cars and put them in your newspapers.’

Maybe the broadsheets should instead do gushing featurettes on the Shooters Hill Set. Has anyone come across a Shooters Hill Set? Shooters Hill: now that’s a hill. It’s got to be, what, well over a mile? And if that’s not worth a Set, then what is? The Shooters Hill Set’s platform for the GLA elections could also have an environmental theme, and could say simply: ‘AAAARGGGHHHHHH! WE ARE ALL GOING TO FUCKING DIE!!!’

DON’T... Get Norman Foster to tart up Crystal Palace’s stadium
Now that Simon Jordan has secured the lease on Palace’s Selhurst Park home, it’s only natural that thoughts will turn to giving the old place a lick and a polish. Who can they get to re-do the stadium? Well, Norman Foster’s usually up for that sort of thing, despite his occasionally flaky idea of what sports stadia generally require.

What might this architectural legend propose for the Eagles? ‘It’s a palace made of crystal! It’s all in the name, you see? Here’s a trapeze, a tightrope stretching down to Croydon’s famous Whitgift Centre, space here for seals to mate and, of course, a huge tower shaped like a penis. Football pitch, you say? Well, the atrium’s huge – I’m sure you could kick a ball about in there.’

Lord Stormin’ is very fond of looking down at Londoners from a helicopter. The whole experience of nipping down to Thornton Heath by chopper could inspire him generally: ‘This south London – it is so interesting. Look at all those fried chicken shops. I know – I shall build the world’s largest fried chicken shop – a towering steel drumstick covered in glass. That rotates. I shall call it Ken-suckthis-y Fried Chicken.’
Whatever Palace decide to do, just don’t get the Argies in. Remember the Falklands! Shit, no – I didn’t mean that, I meant West Ham. Remember West Ham. Shit.