The Big Smoke

Pleasant grassy verges	...or parking meters

1 When you tell people where you live, do they…
a) Say they’ve been drinking there.
b) Say they’ve heard of it.
c) Look at you as if you said ‘Narnia’.

2 The latest you can leave an after-work drinking session is…
a) 4am.
b) 10pm.
c) 6.37pm exactly. Feature continues

On Sundays, you’re most likely to be found…
a) Tagging a railway arch.
b) Catching up on washing.
c) Creosoting a shed.

4 Your neighbour is a nuisance because he has…
a) Hostages.
b) An ASBO.
c) Your ladder.

5 Your local theatre is currently showing…
a) An interpretation of Ionesco’s tragi-farce ‘Rhinocéros’. Set to techno.
b) ‘Thérèse Raquin’, a bold amateur dramatisation of Zola’s novel.
c) ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs’ (featuring Bernie Nolan and the Crazy Frog).

6 Your local streets are lined with…
a) Parking meters.
b) Plane trees.
c) Pleasant grassy verges.

7 For you, gardening entails…
a) Who needs a garden when you’ve got Hyde Park?
b) Watering a sick-looking basil plant in your window box.
c) Half an hour on your tractor-mower.

8 In the last year you’ve bought a Zone 2-6 travelcard…
a) Never.
b) Less than ten times.
c) Every single working day.

9 The TV show you most relate to is…
a) ‘This Life’
b) ‘That’s Life!’
c) ‘The Good Life’

How do you measure up?
Mostly a… You’re über-urban. Addicted to inner-city life, you live in the centre, with all the mayhem that entails.
Mostly b… You’re semi-urban. Close enough to commute, but not right in the thick of things.
Mostly c…You are Richard Briers.