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A seven-day diet of nothing but raw vegetables that promises ‘a whole new level of vitality and health is, it’s fair to say, not to be taken seriously, But creators of the diet, yoga teacher Siri Datta and raw food chef Duncan Campbell, believe that once food is heated above 37 degrees it loses enzymes essential for healthy digestion and deprives you of the vital life force (or ‘prana’). Raw stuff, or ‘food that’s alive’, in combination with cold showers, oil baths and yoga, will ‘pump up’ my ‘energy of sexuality’ and ‘I will step into the new YOU [their caps], that you know is inside, just bursting to get out.’

As far as I know, the inside me is more unpleasant than the outside me and I’ve spent much of my life trying to stop him bursting out. But I’m fat, so I do it.
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Day one
Right, ‘Breakfast to Beautify’. Well, glass of liquid to beautify. My ‘Citrus Cold Buster’ contains organic oranges, orange peel, grapefruit, lime, lemon, ginger root and bee pollen. I make a lot of mess constructing it. Tastes okay but could do with some vodka.

By the time it’s ‘Lunch for Love’ I’m hungry. This is not sated by torn lettuce leaves, onions, walnuts and various other green bits. Starting to weaken. Dinner better as I can cook something: my ‘Tomatoes on Fire’ soup involves sautéing onion and chilli. Sadly, I have to whiz that up with cold tomatoes and creamed coconut. More mess, spirits sagging.

Day two
I have a headache but it is not a hangover. Odd. ‘Breakfast to Beautify’ is apple-based with other bits including crystal manna, lecithin and ginseng. Strange things occur in the toilet. Feel dizzy throughout the morning. Like yesterday, ‘Lunch to Love’ is green stuff torn up – including kale and cabbage with 20 red grapes thrown on top. The red grapes are a bad idea this early in the diet as they put me in mind of the big Burgundies and deep clarets I have forsaken.

Day three
Look in mirror. Definitely thinner. Breakfast on melon and ice. Actually do love lunch today as it allows me to grill an aubergine. Soup again in the evening. Red onion and carrot. The inner me throws a cup at the wall. I put him back in and consider ‘self-love yoga practice’. Best not, though, eh?

Day four
Inner me wakes up first. He must have cigarettes, dry martinis and aspirin now. I calm myself with ‘Carrots to Cleanse’. Yes, it’s carrot juice, though with some other stuff thrown in. I am very excited about the coming evening meal, ‘steamed organic sprouts’. This, according to my diet sheet, ‘is ‘Optimum nutrition on the GO GO GO’. Maybe, but by 10pm it’s optimum indigestion on the GO GO GO. A visit to the smallest room produces something green and stringy, not unlike the things that occasionally hang out of the cat’s backside.

Day five
You know what? I feel good. I get up and run around the park. Afterwards I still feel good. I also feel, ah, happy, I suppose. Have an oil bath. Slip and bang my head. Dine on ‘Purple Beets Soup’. Cheer up, but teeth change colour. Experience what might be ‘energy of sexuality’ listening to ‘A Book at Bedtime’.

Day six
Nearly there and, encouragingly, the bathroom scales suggest I’ve lost nearly a stone. Spend the day toying with various vegetables, but can’t finish my ‘Japanese Cukee Salad’. Put it in garden. Birds and foxes don’t want it either.

Day seven
Free at last. Final breakfast on hemp seed (surely a stimulant?), lunch on goji berries and my final evening soup features petit pois. After chasing the last small green sphere around the plate, the cat joins me in front of the mirror to admire the results. I am comparatively slim, fresh-skinned and quite chipper. As the diet contains all the major food groups except meat and dairy, there’s no reason why I couldn’t keep this up all the time. Obviously, I go to the pub.

Raw facts
Benefits
A raw food diet is said to rebuild body tissue, improve skin condition, increase vitality and assist weight loss.

Good for
Anyone wanting to lose weight and kick-start a detox programme.

Get the diet
The seven-day wonder diet, £50, and further information about Siri Datta is available at www.minisizeme.co.uk