London

1 A night at London’s ‘Glastonbury of sex’
Formerly knows as ‘The Sex Maniacs’ Ball’, ‘The Night of the Senses’ is London’s annual night of sexual excess – where open-minded couples and individuals can celebrate sexual diversity in a safe and pressure-free environment. It’s been described as ‘The Glastonbury of Sex’ – and you’d be well advised to bring your wellies, as things can and do get messy. Fill your boots in the dungeon, grope box, couples area, mixed room, peep-show and the ‘Climax Clinic’ (a female-orgasm machine that takes all riders from nought to ecstasy in minutes ). And if you want to recreate that Glasto toilet experience, you can even wade into a paddling pool to wee-wee on an ever grateful recipient. Go with an open mind and a change of clothes, and it could open up a whole new world of sexual adventures. The only bad news is you’ll have to wait until next September to experience it again. Andy Woolgar
www.nightofthesenses.com Feature continues

2 ’Trix of the trade
Elegant east London dominatrix Lady K has been whipping and punishing for 15 years and runs one-to-one classes for shrinking violets and wannabe mistresses in urgent need of a latex scrub up. Beginners can learn how to dress for dominance, talk the talk (you won’t find your average ‘You’ve been a baaad boy’ routine here) and how to use a variety of paddles (there’s a right and wrong way to ‘tenderise’). Rape and animal scenarios are among the most popular, so start thinking about your ‘safe word’ or planning your crotchless zebra suit. The key to Lady K’s classes, apparently, is the confidence boosting aspect; you’ll lose your inhibitions, spank your slave silly and won’t be afraid to dish out a fisting if you don’t get your own way. Leave rudeness at the door, however. There’s a fine line between sneering ‘Give us a fuck, love’ and retorting ‘Get down on your knees and beg for it’. Observing how to stand over your slave is just the beginning – you have to learn how to react dominantly to a foot massage, too, and gleen the rules of fetish play in a club setting. What’s more, you can try it all out at K’s impromptu club night, Club Pedestal. Don’t be put off by the BDSM-heavy approach: Lady K’s sessions are just as suitable for out-there hen parties and anniversary presents. Classes start at £150 for an hour session, or you can book three in advance for £300. To train with Lady K call 07980 939878 or visit www.ladyk.co.uk.

3 Go bi-bi…
Do you consider yourself to be one of the ‘world’s sexual elite’? Then you might well be the perfect client for Killing Kittens. The organisation – which takes its name from the myth that every time a girl masturbates God kills a kitten – is mainly aimed at ‘bi-curious, glamorous girls’ whose good-looking male partners are happy to come along and, as the rules stipulate, watch the action or wait until they’re approached before joining in. ‘I’m a petite, half-Italian bi girl looking to have some new and naughty experiences,’ pipes one frisky new member on the website.
Over to you… The next party, where the dress code is Santa’s helpers and Christmas fantasy, will be on Dec 19 in Holborn.
www.killingkittens.com

4 Variations on Viagra
Cialis – aka tadalafil or ‘the weekend pill’ – has overtaken Viagra as the most popular anti-impotence drug in the USA (at least among first-time users). Although it works in much the same way as the original blue meanie, Cialis has a longer half-life, meaning it stays active in the bloodstream for up to 36 hours, helping the smooth muscles in the penis relax and widen so that more blood can enter. ‘For my money, this is a true wonder drug,’ declares one particularly euphoric user on the website www.revolutionhealth.com. ‘It certainly produces amazing nocturnal erections.’ Others, however, have complained of
fairly unerotic side effects ranging from heartburn to back ache. So look out before you load up.

5 Foreplay
Find out what happened when Time Out took a class in foreplay technique…

6 Steamy sauna parties
London’s gay sauna scene has boomed in recent years, with the mighty Chariots chain recently eclipsed by Sweatbox Soho. Here gay men can pump up their muscles in the gym upstairs before descending to the ‘buff spa’ to enjoy the maze of private ‘rest rooms’, some with two-way mirrors for the exhibitionists among you. The sauna runs themed ‘Hunger’ parties on Friday nights, complete with DJs. Wear a towel or just your pants, or, if you’re really daring, go commando. Condoms and lube are provided. Sweatbox is one venue that takes safer sex seriously.
Sweatbox Soho, 1-2 Ramillies St, W1F 7LN (3214 6014/www.sweatboxsoho.com).

7 Fetish nights for fellas
Clubs with names like Hard On, Klub Fukk and Play Pit leave very little to the imagination. Hard On is the undisputed daddy of the fetish scene. Clothing is optional. Here you’ll witness everything from full-on fetishist to people indulging in all manner of eye-popping endeavours. Play Pit is similar, while Klub Fukk caters to queers of all genders – that big, butch, daddy bear you just cruised might actually be a drag king.
Klub Fukk (www.woteverworld/klubfukk) is on Sat 13. Hard On (www.hardonclub.co.uk) is on the third Sat of every month. Play Pit (www.londonplaypit.co.uk) is Thur-Sun.

8 Operator, please…
‘I love to hear you moan as you part my butt cheeks and start to tease me as we embark upon our anal phone-sex fantasy.’ So reads a typically coy message to ‘Anal Angie’. Chatlines have long been used as masturbatory aids and a way for callers to air their naughtiest sexual fantasies, but webcams have brought a whole new dimension to the sexual version of ‘phoning a friend’.

9 Slippery discs
For women who want to indulge themselves in front of the small screen, check out the options at www.pornmoviesforwomen.com. For Londoners looking to master classics of the genre, visit www.doctorg.com/bestadultfilms.htm – they’ve got a handy list of the top ten adult films of all time.

10 DVD extras
Our favourite London porn-movie titles are: ‘Locked Cock and Two Fucking Bastards’, ‘Cherry Poppins’, and, of course, ‘A Bitch Called Wanda’. Check ’em out.
www.funnytitles.com

11 Beyond the Rabbit
Since when did dildos become fashion accessories? asks Simone Baird.

12 Lesbian escorts
‘Hi… I’m an independent lesbian escort – I simply love the touch, taste and smell of a woman! I offer the full naughty escort massage service, I can travel with toys, uniforms – you name it, I got it!’ chimes one advertiser. As with the straight variety, there’s a huge range of lesbian escorts available, ranging from Bunny Girls to more butch candidates: ‘Hello ladies, I am a 26-year-old butch/stud lesbian who enjoys pleasuring women.’ Take yer pick.

13 Naked nights out
The people behind Random Naked Parties leave very little to the imagination – including the name of their club. Casting free your clothes as well as your inhibitions, you’ll see your other half in a whole new light. And, compared to the other naked atrocities you’ll no doubt be surrounded by, you’ll start fancying your partner all over again. Random Naked Parties are held near Limehouse every first Sunday of the month. So, not exactly random then.
www.londonfetishscene.co.uk

14 Digging dogging
Welcome to a world where sex in cars is a spectator sport. For the uninitiated, dogging is the broad term used to cover all manner of outdoor sexual activities – usually taking place at night in secluded car parks and lay-bys. It can be anything from putting on a show from within your car, to shagging on a picnic table in front of an appreciative audience. Or simply watching through a car window, while a younger and more energetic couple go at it hammer and tongs.

You’d be amazed at the amount of ordinary couples to be found entwined under an interior light in Britain’s car parks of an evening. Like car boot sales and Twenty20 cricket, dogging has become part of the fabric of British life.

Of course, you can’t just turn up and park and ride. Dogging has its own set of rules and etiquette. Flashing car lights or dabbing brake lights means ‘We’re doggers’. The internal light left on means the occupants want to be watched, and winding down the window means the lady dogger wants to touch or be touched, suck or, perhaps, be sick. Either way, only join in, move closer or get your hands dirty if you’re asked to.

You’ll probably start off as casual voyeurs, but be warned, dogging has been known to bring out the exhibitionist in women. One female dogger recently admitted: ‘Seeing anonymous men wank while watching me and my partner fuck makes me feel like a sex goddess starring in my own porn film. But I’ve got all the power and the control, and that’s a hell of a turn-on.’
The other great thing about dogging is that if the window of the car parked next to you slides down, and the occupants don’t fire your engine, you can pretend to watch them shag while surreptitiously snaffling their travel sweets and badly refolding their maps. AW
For a list of London’s prime dogging sites, see www.melanies-uk-swingers.com.

15 Furries
Comedian Mark Allen looks at furry fetishists.

16 Pit stoppers
Almost half of all body-part fetishists (podophilia) go for the feet, according to a University of Bologna study – so why not experiment with a lesser-fetishised body part, such as the underarm? ‘My lover surprised me once, putting his erection under my arm. My armpit being a sensitive area next to my breast, I really liked this,’ says one convert on www.myvag.net/smut/
positions/armpit/. Even Flickr has a section for pit fiends: http://flickr.com/groups/97269442@N00/

17 Auto-botters
West Country mechanic Chris Donald revealed in March that he’s had sex with 30 different models in 20 years. Car models that is. Obviously, safety is an issue – handbrake on, engine off. Donald recommends the ‘How To Have Sex with Cars’ manual. Sample: ‘The tailpipe isn’t the only option! If it interests you, get hold of a silicone sleeve from Clone Zone or some other tool to make life easier on your tool.’ For like-minded car-part enthusiasts see www.sexwithcars.org.

18 Ropey old pullers
Imagine wearing a rope so masterfully tied beneath your clothes that it massages your genitals. That’s one of the blissful benefits of shibari – or Japanese rope bondage – which evolved from punishment methods used 400 years ago. The art deploys complicated knots positioned for maximum stimulation. Camberwell-based shibari instructor Bruce Argue says: ‘I find it a wonderful means of communication, similar to a passionate dance. The rope is an extension of your hands, producing anything from agony to ecstasy. It can be a hugely erotic experience.’ Good.
For details visit www.esinem.com/main-tuition.

19 Zoophilia
In July 2008 the Met arrested a Dulwich man who had been sexually assaulting sheep in Chislehurst. He was accused of taking pictures of the sheep before penetrating them – two had died, though it was hard to prove that it was due to the attacks. Sheep are the commonest targets of zoophilia, (or bestiality) but dogs, pigs and horses are also favourites. The current prison sentence for bestiality in the UK is two years. But you shouldn’t let that put you off. Should you?

20 Self-exposure
Readers’ nuggets of naughtiness from Time Out's sex survey…

Things that turn you on: ‘Mice.’ ‘German accents.’ ‘Watching a guy driving.’ ‘Chav speak.’ ‘The smell of tennis balls.’

Your most embarrassing sex moments: ‘Came in girl’s eye on first date.’ ‘Came on own face.’ ‘Lockjaw during blowjob.’ ‘Fell off bed on to hot GHD irons.’

Your fantasies: ‘Anal sex with wife and her two sisters.’ ‘Sex in a church with a vicar.’ ‘Butt-plug with horse’s tail and two lady riders.’ ‘Girls smoking.’

Weirdest places you’ve had sex: ‘Harrow Civic Centre.’ ‘In a snowdrift.’ ‘Horse’s stable, next to the horse.’ ‘Boyfriend’s gran’s bed, and she caught us.’ ‘On top of a passed-out friend.’

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