London

1.
DON'T buy a cheap bunch of flowers
DO pick up some magical dried flowers and herbs
Make a furtive visit to master apothecary G Baldwin & Co for your own special love potion. Our spies tell us that Baldwin’s has an unexpected following in the Wiccan community who use the Walworth store as a one-stop spell shop.
G Baldwin & Co, 171/173 Walworth Rd, SE17 1RW (7703 5550/www.baldwins.co.uk).

2.
DON'T feed the ducks
DO go to London Zoo
It helps if you research an animal or two first, so you can say something interesting that isn’t on the boards outside the cages. The male Egyptian tortoise, for instance, is particularly vocal (for a tortoise) when mating, while Bonobo chimps use sex in greeting and fighting rituals, and males even enjoy a bit of 'penis fencing'.
London Zoo, Regent’s Park, NW1 4RY (7722 3333/www.zsl.org). Feature continues

3.
DON'T take a dinner cruise on the Thames
DO a tour on a high-speed boat
…and match the exhilaration of a new love or give a waning romance a bit of jolt – it’s actually rather frightening when they go
really fast and swerve about.
London RIB Voyages, Waterloo Millennium Pier, Westminster Bridge Rd, SE1 7PB (7928 8933/www.londonribvoyages.com). London Eye to Canary Wharf and back £32.50. Thames RIB Experience, Victoria Embankment, WC2 6NU (7930 5746/ www.thamesribexperience.com). From £29.

4.
DON'T buy an overpriced, out-of-season red rose
DO give your lover a trip to Kew Gardens
A single-visit gift ticket costs £13; you’ll need two, obviously (men: saying, in effect, ‘go and look at the lovely flowers on your own’ is not romantic). If you want to splash out, a joint annual season ticket is £65 and includes (in the spring, admittedly) 110,000 daffodils, a carpet of crocuses, a sea of bluebells – you get the picture. Plus, until Mar 4, win a year's premier membership to Kew Gardens in our competition.
Royal Botanic Gardens, Kew, TW9 3AB (8332 5655/www.kew.org).

5.
DON'T wander aimlessly around a museum or gallery
DO go to see just one thing
It makes you feel less like a boring couple (‘What do you want to do now, shall we go and see the geology wing?’ ‘Oh, I don’t mind, whatever you’d like to do…’ Argh!) and more like you’re having an adventure. Again, it helps if you’ve done some research – and if you can, make the ‘mysterious snake’ above the right eye of Egyptian mummy Nesperennub sound exciting, dangerous and sexy.
The British Museum, Great Russell St, WC1B 3DG (7323 8299/www.britishmuseum.org).

6.
DON'T take a walk along the South Bank
DO head to Richmond Park
There’s nothing romantic about hunching your shoulders against howling winds and elbowing other tourists out of the way as you lose feeling in your hands, nose and toes. Head to Richmond Park and go horse riding instead. You’ll need to show that you can ride before you’re taken out for a hack through the park.
Richmond Park Stables, 291 Park Rd, KT2 5LW (8546 8437/www.richmondparkstables.com).

7.
DON'T take a salsa class
DO try Tango by Candlelight
Tango can be pretty saucy, and learning it by candlelight is muy romantic. Of course, the most romantic thing would be if your boyfriend had secretly had dance lessons and was then to surprise you by sweeping you off your feet. Oh, hang on, I think that’s a Richard Gere film.
Tango by Candlelight, 33 Portland Pl, W1B 1QU (07696 001659/www.tangoat33.com). Every Sun.

8.
DON'T expect to meet the love of your life in a railway arch in Vauxhall
DO join a gay dating agency
Such as Significant Others (www.significantothers.co.uk) or gay dining club Out & Out (www.outandout.co.uk).

9.
DON'T get a hotel room
DO get a caravan
Acclaimed theatre production ‘The Caravan’ won numerous awards at last year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and it opens in London this week. Performed to an audience of eight people at a time in a real caravan in the middle of Sloane Square, it’s a documentary play about British people forced out of the homes and into caravans by the 2007 floods.
'The Caravan', Royal Court Theatre, Sloane Square, SW1W 8AS (7565 5000/www.royalcourttheatre.com). Runs until Feb 28, five shows nightly.

10.
DON'T buy lingerie
DO try to think further than the gusset
Lingerie is boring. Gift-wrap a PVC policewoman’s outfit from Honour in Waterloo, a human-size vacuum pack from erotic store Regulation in Islington, or a lace-printed rubber dress from Atsuko Kudo’s Showgirls Latex Boutique in Holloway.
Honour, 86 Lower Marsh, SE1 7AB (7401 8220/www.honour.co.uk).
Regulation, 17a St Albans Pl, N1 0NX (7226 0665/www.regulation-london.co.uk).
Showgirls, 64 Holloway Rd, N7 8JL (7697 9072/www.showgirlslatexboutique.com).

11.
DON'T buy last-minute flowers
DO give them an eco-friendly plantable heart
Made from recycled paper embedded with wildflower seeds, these new and ultra-sweet cards come in the shape of a heart or blooming flower, are handmade in London and can be personalised for free.
£4.95 each including first-class postage for UK orders. See www.ranideshpande.com.

12.
DON'T cosy up on the leather sofas at the back of the Electric Cinema
DO go to Finchley's Phoenix, or lose yourself in romance at the BFI or ICA
The Phoenix cinema is where Londoners have been watching moving pictures since 1910. The BFI Southbank and ICA are always reliable romantic movie venues, more so for the feeling of isolation you get among the hardcore cinephile crowd, the removed, trailer- and branding-free experince and nice bars. As for going to see a rom-com at your local superplex… only if you empty out your bucket of popcorn on to the cinema floor so you can vom into it.
The Phoenix Cinema, 52 High Rd, N2 9PJ (8883 2233/www.phoenixcinema.co.uk).

13.
DON'T go to a West End supper club and show
DO head to Bistrotheque's LipSinkers alternative drag show
You’ll have the piss ripped out of you by bearded blokes in charity-shop frocks, but there's no better way to show how much of a man you really are. If you really have to do the restaurant-on-Valentine's thing, the upstairs brasserie is outstanding.
The Lip Sinkers, Bistrotheque, 23-27 Wadeson St, E2 9DR (www.bistrotheque.com). The LipSinkers are at Bistrotheque every Fri and Sat.

14.
DON'T go to an austere, brow-furrowing classical concert
DO treat your partner to a truly moving experience at English National Opera
Which is not to say that classical music can't be romantic, it's just that the experience can seem a bit cerebral; add in theatre, costumes, narrative and heightened operatic passions, however, and you're on to a winner.
ENO, The London Coliseum, St Martin’s Lane, WC2N 4ES (www.eno.org).

15.
DON'T get a quartet of tight-trousered Spaniards to serenade your lover
DO book a karaoke booth and sing duets
If your boyfriend doesn’t like singing, he can always rap the Jay-Z to your Beyoncé.
Lucky Voice, 52 Poland St, W1F 7NH (7439 3660/www.luckyvoice.com).

16.
DON'T join the crowds at one of the blockbuster art exhibitions
DO visit the Wallace Collection
The Wallace Collection is always good for a spot of romance, with plenty of risqué Fragonards and saucy pictures.
The Wallace Collection, Hertford House, Manchester Sq, W1U 3BN (7563 9500/www.wallacecollection.org).

17.
DON'T settle for 'The Little Book of Hugs' as a throwaway Valentine's prezzie
DO buy 'Let's Call the Whole Thing Off: Love Quarrels from Anton Chekhov to ZZ Packer'
The best thing about having a lover? Other than that, obviously? The way trivial spats can rapidly escalate to nuclear war within minutes. Pick up this collection of ding-dongs from new lovers, cosy marrieds, exes, same-sex couples, cross husbands, jilted wives…
Published by Penguin Classics, £9.99.