2008 film predictions

Daniel Day-Lewis will win an Oscar for ‘There Will Be Blood’. Then he will retire to Tuscany to become a cobbler.

Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughan will start their own clothing line called ‘Tiresome Retreads’.

Francis Ford Coppola will announce that he will only be releasing films piecemeal, and via a Honduran website.

Inspired by the success of ‘Zidane: A 21st Centruy Portrait’, Tracey Emin will release ‘Pull Back, Let Go: The Michael Owen Story’

Kenneth Branagh will sensationally retire from motion pictures, only to be coaxed back seven days later by Sadie Frost's au pair.

Eddie Murphy will sign on to a new digitally animated film where he will play the voice of a fast-talking, haunted drumkit called Patrick which goes on tour with Van Halen.

Jack Black will star in at least one film per month throughout the year, except for June, when he will star in a new film every week.

James Belushi will sign up to play Jacques Derrida in a biopic of the French deconstructionalist's early life in Algeria. The film, provisionally titled 'Derri-duh?', will be directed by John Landis.

Jude Law will be praised for his performance in a raucous US stoner comedy by the director of ‘Dude, Where’s My Car’ called 'We Always Get our Man' where, in a haze of bong smoke, he is sodomised by a Mountie in the back of a Buick.

Paul Thomas Anderson will win an Oscar for his direction of ‘There Will Be Blood’, then he will retire to Tuscany to become a cobbler.

Paul Newman will make an unlikely return to cinema in the role of The Flash in the new ‘Justice League of America’ movie.

Keira Knightley’s pout will become so intense that her face will finally fold in on itself. She is then swiftly cast in the new ‘Star Trek’ movie.

'The Aviator' dream team of Leonardo DiCaprio and Martin Scorsese will reunite to tell the next chapter of the Howard Hughes story in ‘The Urinator’

Wes Anderson will announce his plans to make a fictional film biopic about a waggish New York poet who is trying to expunge the memories of his errant father by listening to Buffy Saint Marie records, making chess figurines out of old furniture and listing all the words that rhyme with 'dream', but ends up being sued by the Salinger estate.

The trend for Cormac McCarthy adaptations started by the Coen Brothers' forthcoming 'No Country For Old Men' continues as Ridley Scott transposes 'Blood Meridian' to Somalia with an all-beagle cast.

Alejandro González Iñárritu will film a multi-stranded investigation into the mysteries of consciousness that takes in a shipwrecked Scottish wheel-tapper, a conflicted Des Moines pastry chef and a family of Mexican chinchillas who are stocking up for winter...

The surprise hit of the year (and the film that John Landis will publicly claim ‘reaffirmed his faith in movies’) will be a micro-budget drama about two multicultural sales assistants at a Currys in Hanger Lane who fall in love while selling Nintendo Wiis.

Jonny Greenwood will win an Oscar for his soundtrack to ‘There Will Be Blood’, then he will retire to Tuscany to become a cobbler.

After a year of tribulations which included public bemusement over his outlandish transcendental meditation exhortations, an unsavoury flirtation with the New Reich and the release of ‘Inland Empire’, David Lynch will decide to direct a fruity campus comedy written by Judd Apatow.