Cinema's most laughable bad guys
Mickey Rourke as dreadlocked S
Colonel Miles Quaritch (Stephen Lang) in ‘Avatar’Fiendish plan: To wield the immense firepower of the Earth’s military scouting team and get a tribe of blue rainforest beatniks to skedaddle off of some mineral assets. In 3D.Standing in the way: Hollywood movie convention and Sam Worthington plugged into a computerised pod and taking charge of the body of one of said rangy azure tree-huggers.
What’s his weakness: The fact that he’s a tired conflation of every bad guy movie cliché (including unsightly facial scar) in film history makes his unchecked aggression all too predictable.Chances for rehabilitation: Nah, you’d gradually wean him off the knives, grenades and all-male showers then he’d hear ‘In the Army Now’ on the radio and it’d be all back to square one.
Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg (Gary Oldman) in ‘The Fifth Element’Fiendish plan: To control the universe through a combination of mystic energy and weird hair.
Standing in the way: Plucky, Gaultier-clad cabbie Bruce Willis and his gibbering sidekick Milla Jovovich, plus a motley selection of overdressed new romantic oddballs – including Ian Holm, Chris Tucker and, um, Luke Perry – who all look like they’d rather be somewhere, anywhere else.What's his weakness: In a word, overacting. Oldman had already proven his silly-villain chops as pill-sniffing New York cop Stansfield in Luc Besson’s ‘Leon’, and the wacky Frenchman gave him even more rope to hang himself in this daft, DayGlo, gap-year sci-fi nightmare.
Chances for rehabilitation: Could probably get a job doing catwalk security at Paris Fashion Week. Otherwise, slim.
Nuclear Man (Mark Pillow) in 'Superman IV: Quest for Peace'Fiendish plan: To kill off both Superman and ‘Superman’…Standing in the way: Well, Superman, obviously, plus occasional hindrance from supposed cohort Jon Cryer and the distraction of his courtly she-he man-love for hulking naïf, Mariel Hemingway.What's his weakness: The dark side of the moon: Nukes is powered by the sun, so just draw the curtains and he’s as much use as a jam cardigan.Chances for rehabilitation: Last seen propping up the core of a nuclear power plant, so not good… not good.
Ziro the Hutt in ‘Star Wars: The Clone Wars’Fiendish plan: To seize control of the Hutt crime empire from nephew Jabba.Standing in the way: The Jedi, the clone army, the Sith, Jabba’s gangsters, a total inability to run away – you wonder how these Hutts got so powerful in the first place, considering.What's his weakness: Well, the fact that he looks like a painted slug at a gay pride parade and talks like an oversexed gumbo chef may not actually be classified as weakness in the Star Wars universe. So we’ll go with ambition.Chances for rehabilitation: First step: weight watchers.
Richie Madano (William Forsyth) in ‘Out for Justice’Fiendish plan: Well, ‘plan’ is overselling it a little, as his aim appears to be to goad Steven Seagal’s chop-socky beat cop to breaking point by shooting up his family and friends for reasons relating to a childhood falling out. Standing in the way: Seagal, of course, who goes on a movie-length search-and-destroy mission which involves him striding into every low-life dive in town and showing who’s who with the help of an eight ball in a sock. Delivers the line ‘has anyone seen Richie?’ in vaguely patronising tones just over 800 times during the film.What’s his weakness: Apart from his heroic gak intake, it’d have to be his short temper. Trying to elude a killing-machine cop and then opening fire on women and children is hardly the stealthy comportment the situation might require.
Chance for rehabilitation: Prior to him getting a corkscrew to the frontal lobe, the right concoction of downers might have made a respectable man out of him.
Adolf Hitler (Martin Wuttke) in 'Inglourious Basterds'Fiendish plan: Same old, same old.Standing in the way: Brad Pitt and his motley Anti-Nazi League of behind-enemy-lines cutthroats, heavy hitters and an expendable gaggle of faceless, tremulous, knock-kneed Upper East Side types. Good luck with that!What's his weakness: Self-aggrandisement coupled with ironically poor strategic nous. Locking himself and the entire Nazi High Command into a cinema in occupied France that’s guarded by Lenny and Squiggy from ‘Laverne & Shirley’ is just asking for trouble. Herr Hitler and his SS scurf eat leaden death over the supporting feature.Chances for rehabilitation: N/A
Prince Vigo the Carpathian (Wilhelm von Homburg) in ‘Ghostbusters II’Fiendish plan: To transform New Yorkers’ seething proletarian rage into luminescent pink goo, and thereby escape from a painting. Seriously.Standing in the way: Clue’s in the title: three wisecracking Saturday Night Live alumni and one token ethnic with even less to do than in the first movie are on a mission to take Vigo down!What's his weakness: Well, being trapped in a painting doesn’t help. Plus he’s stuck with probably the most fawning, ineffectual sidekick in history, and let’s face it, the plan as a whole is pretty lame.
Chances for rehabilitation: A sandblaster should do the trick.
ED-209 in ‘Robocop’Fiendish plan: To shoot up the flick-knife wielding street toughs of Old Detroit and pave the way for the concrete-and-steel bourgeois nightmare of Delta City. And prove that there is a future for a state police force run by a shady arms conglomerate. Standing in the way: A chrome-plated back-from-the grave bad-ass called Robocop. Now where's that baby food?What’s his weakness: Like the Daleks, ED-209 operates like a dream on level terrain, but the moment something like, say, a short flight of stairs come into the equation, it’s game over. Oh, and he does occasionally kill innocent civilians for no reason, but they’re working on that.
Chances for rehabilitation: Zero. He’s dismantled and used for cheap student shelving in time for the sequel.
Kasper Gutman and Joel Cairo (Sydney Greenstreet and Peter Lorre) in 'The Maltese Falcon'Fiendish plan: To kill, maim and waffle their way to the fabled, jewel-encrusted winged raptor of the title.
Standing in the way: Humphrey Bogart’s hard-bitten, two-fisted private dick, Sam ‘Bucket’ Spade, a mess of dead bodies and some spunky, blackhearted dames.
What's their weakness: Verbosity and incompetence respectively: Gutman is the sort of chap who’d thank you even if you’d just thrown up over him and the lavender-scented Cairo is a self-hating ball of sexual confusion that’s just one hissy-fit away from total mental collapse. Neither of them could talk, force or otherwise cajole candy from an especially sleepy baby.Chances for rehabilitation: Good to very. Both were last assumed to be in police custody and facing serious limbo time, but neither are especially bad lads and a good spell in chokey should straighten them out.
TX (Kristanna Loken) in ‘Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines’Fiendish plan: To obliterate the human race, paving the way for the second coming of McG.Standing in the way: The Governator, a lady vet and the John Connor no one remembers because he’s not young and dreamy like Eddie Furlong or grizzled and abusive like Christian Bale.
What's her weakness: Sheer averageness. Seriously, did the producers really think we’d fall for that old Star Trek trick of ‘hey, we’ve got no new ideas, how about we just get a chick’? And that inflating breasts gag is just horrible…
Chances for rehabilitation: Who’d bother?'Iron Man 2' opens in cinemas on April 30
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