Potential locations for the new 'Predator' film

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He's been in the jungle and he's been in the city, now, with Robert Rodriguez having announced that he's making a new 'Predator' film, Time Out suggests some fresh location ideas...

Title 'Predator: Black Gold'
Location North Sea oilrig
Description We all remember how well Rodriguez shot rain in ‘Sin City’ and those ‘Spy Kids’ films proved he can handle the tech, so this should be a cakewalk. With gantries, winches and atmosphere galore it should look fantastic. Cast would comprise a faceless array of boilersuited drones for the Predator to pick off in increasingly ludicrous ways and Piper Perabo as a spunky, bespectacled chemical engineer who saves the day.

Title ‘Das Predator
Location U-boat
Description The first ‘AVP’ clued us into the fact that these proud alien hunters predate the human race (its also right there in their name); we also know they’re particularly attracted to warzones. The new film’s predicted budget of (approximately) Renny Harlin’s pocket change means a fullscale WWII battle re-enactment seems unlikely, but how about a floating Nazi death-tube 20,000 leagues under the Baltic sea? ‘Du bist ein hässlich mutterficker…’

Title 'Predator: Slots at Midnight’
Location Reno
Description Mistaken for an oversized novelty firework, Predator’s miniature space pod crash lands on the main drag of Nevada’s other neon-lit gambling hell pit and he swiftly begins to disembowel the hordes of obese tourists, greased-up Wall Street jackals and over-confident Floridian taco shop owners burning through the kids’ college funds. Growing tired of this mindless slaughter, Predator wanders into a casino and becomes addicted to a ‘Babylon 5’-themed slot machine. After gambling for five days straight, he’s ID’d by one of the pit bosses and it turns out he’s under age, so they escort him round the back and club him to death with a traffic cone.

TitlePredator: Spring Breakage’
Location The Hamptons
Description Disguised as a gangly NYU art student called Lemuel (played by Andy Samberg), Predator accompanies a group of friends down to a mansion in the Hamptons which, it turns out, is owned by an elderly pornographer. When they arrive, Predator spares no time turning his close chums into compost, but suddenly explodes when it turns out the pornographer spiked their Drambuie supply with a dose of Viagra that would have kept the LA porn industry going for seven millennia.

Title
'Predator: Installation'
Location Hoxton Square
Description A veritable feeding frenzy in which our anti-hero wanders through the Bricklayer’s Arms, skinning a motley grab-bag of plastic fashionistas, gormless Kate Nash lookalikes and pointy-shoed post-production Herberts while they film their own hideous deaths on their mobile phone and then crawl to the nearest wi-fi spot and attempt to get it on their Facebook page before they die of shock. Fin.

TitlePredator: Burnin’ and Lootin’’
Location Jamaica
Description Every day is a dreadlock holiday for these bloodthirsty space rastas, but now the Predators are returning to their tonsorial birthplace for the next and most aggressively laid-back chapter in the series. Initially enticed by a bloody turf war between two gangs of Yardies, the Predator quickly finds that unchecked slaughter is just too much like hard work, and gets a job as a barbecue chef at the Sands Resort, Kingston.

Title Predator: Putting the Boot In’
Location Wembley Stadium
Description The doddery Wembley Stadium janitor just can’t seem to get the hallowed turf just right for a scheduled friendly between Sunderland and the entire continent of Africa. It transpires that the Predator has been hiding out in one of the corporate boxes, subsisting on Gatorade and rancid meat pies, and has become partial to moonlight keepie-uppie sessions, killing anyone who tries to have him removed from the premises.

Title 'Predator: Downtime'
Location Legoland, Windsor (M4, Junction 6)
Description A series of technical hitches and a wacky satnav 'with a mind all its own!' sees the Predator put down in the car park of Britain’s leading miniature Danish play-brick attraction. Losing interest, however, he instead takes the park-and-ride into Windsor where he enjoys a flagon of local ale and a stroll along the Thames.

Title
Predator: We Are Stardust’
Location Woodstock
Description Stay away from the brown acid! And also the invisible seven-foot multi-jawed rastafarian with the laser-sighted death cannon. Yes, the Predator pays a visit to the ultimate rock jamboree, slashing and slaughtering his way through a crowd of starry-eyed love junkies up to their necks in mud and patchouli. All that stands in his way are a hastily assembled army of rock ‘n’ roll killers for peace, including axe-wielding General Jimi Hendrix, walrus of death David Crosby and his laserproof cape and drunken master Keith Moon.

Author: Adam Lee Davies, David Jenkins, Tom Huddleston



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