The Christmas movies that never were
The Santa Clause. Snow Business. Santa's Slay. Christmas is a time for bad movie-title puns. Time Out pitches a few ideas for future festive favourites...
StarringJonah Hill, Alyson HanniganRotund, loveable high school doofus Joe (Hill), finding out that his nerdy, virginal best friend (Hannigan) is pregnant with the new Messiah, poses as the father so her uptight atheist folks don’t get suspicious.
Homey For The Holidays
StarringSteve Carrell, Bill Duke, Queen LatifahWhen the key witness in an embezzlement case finds the Witness Protection Agency has shut down over Christmas he has little choice but to black up, move into his noble African-American neighbours' basement and pretend to be their gang-banging son for the festive season. Inanity ensues.
StarringPeter MullanKen Loach directs Mullan’s hard-hitting one-man play where he also stars as an alcoholic Scottish wife-beater trapped in a whisky distillery over Christmas who questions his life choices.
A Midnight Queer (aka Camp as Christmas)
StarringIan McKellen, Patrick StewartA pair of ageing thespians, bitter rivals for three decades, find themselves alone at Christmas with no one else to turn to. Curmudgeonly romance and much port-supping ensues.
StarringOrlando Bloom, Olivia WilliamsA battle-weary and faithless medieval knight (Bloom) finds himself unable to speak, until a magical snowbound adventure with a mysterious faerie woman (Williams), who claims to be the reincarnation of the Virgin Mary, restores his Christmas spirit.
StarringViggo Mortensen, Tim RothIt’s crazy East European accent time again as Mortensen and Roth play a pair of Polish people traffickers who accidentally kidnap Santa and put him to work as an East End bear prostitute.
At Least You've Got Your Elf
StarringLeslie Philipps, Annette CrosbieThe inmates of a Southend old folks home are kept prisoner by a cruel, miserly owner, until a wandering elf strays in and sprinkles a little Christmas magic.
StarringRob Schneider, Carmen ElectraSchneider stars as Rod Hardman, a porn director working on the first hardcore festive flick until Santa gets wind of what’s going on and subjects Rod to a Dickensian voyage in which he learns to love and respect naked women and Christmas.
StarringChris Rock, Reese Witherspoon, R Lee ErmeyNew York gangsta Rock has been dating Southern belle Witherspoon for over a year, but now he has to travel down to Alabama for the holidays and meet her Klan. Quite literally! ‘Meet the Parents’ collides with ‘Birth of a Nation’ in this riotous race-relations romp.
Naughty or Nice?
StarringGerard Depardieu, Juliette BinocheSanta (Depardieu) shaves his beard, adopts a French accent and heads off to Nice for a well-earned break and a spot of holiday romance with Binoche’s snappy, life-loving café owner.
StarringSarah Michelle Gellar, Tom Welling, Wilmer ValderamaEx-TV heartthrobs Gellar, Welling and Valderama play Mary, Joseph and Jesüs, three high school teens who find their friends (Wendy King, Joe Shepherd and Bob Innkeeper) being picked off one by one by a masked loony in a Santa hat.
Hark the Herald Angels Swing
StarringDenzel Washington, Sam RockwellJingle them crazy bells, daddio, as Washington and Rockwell play a pair of hard-living jazz cats down on their luck in ’50s New York, until an incident with a warm-hearted hooker, an out-of-tune sax and a bucketful of hot nog brings their festive groove back.
Gold, Frankincense and Myrtle
StarringJulie Walters, Omar SharifAn elderly Barnet housekeeper slips through a hole in time and finds herself travelling the Silk Road to Bethlehem in the company of three great Oriental kings, including Sharif’s ageing, kindly hunk Balthasar.
Author: Tom Huddleston, Adam Lee Davies and David Jenkins
Director Tom Hooper and his cast tell us how they turned the super-musical into movie blockbuster.
The Time Out film team weighs in on the nominees for the 2013 Academy Awards
Get ready for the big guns… Spielberg, Tarantino and Bigelow
Daniel Craig’s 007 comeback, a genius indie romcom and all the mysteries behind ‘The Shining’ unravelled.
The results of our study on the state of films and filmgoing in 2012.
Read 'Time Out film debate 2012 highlights'
'The Hobbit' actor tells us why he wouldn't have a pint with Bilbo Baggins.
Dave Calhoun speaks to the director of 'Skyfall' about the latest film in the Bond franchise.
The genre-hopping director tells us how he invented a new genre with 'Life of Pi'
The twice Palme d'Or-winning director discusses 'Amour'.
Read our interview with Michael Haneke
The Danish director talks about his powerful new drama 'The Hunt'.
Read our interview with Thomas Vinterberg'
Time Out looks back at the impact of the 'Twilight' saga.
Discover what 'Twilight' has done for us
Time Out heads to the Lake District to visit director Ben Wheatley on set.
Read about our visit to the 'Sightseers' set
The director talks about 'Frankenweenie', which he describes as 'the ultimate memory piece'.
Read our interview with Tim burton
Our pick of the best films showing over the festive period.
Read 'The top ten Christmas films of 2012'
Mean Girls? Dirty Dancing? Tell us your favourite film guilty pleasure.
Read 'Film guilty pleasures'
What will Disney do to 'Star Wars'?
Read about the new 'Star Wars' trilogy
Ten young actors come of age on the silver screen.
Read 'When teen stars turn serious'
From Connery to Craig, we revisit all 22 Bond films.
Read '50 years of James Bond'
The director talks Scientology and working with Joaquin Phoenix.
Read the interview
Ten funny horror movies which went spectacularly off the rails.
Read 'Hilarious horror films'
The director talks psychopaths and theatre – 'my least favourite artform'.
Read the interview
We round-up the five best horror movies of Autumn 2012.
Read about this Autumn's best horror movies
Time Out visits Istanbul to see the latest Bond movie being made.
Read 'On the set of Skyfall'
Does Skyfall refresh or rehash the James Bond franchise?
The British director explains why 'Ginger and Rosa' is her most mainstream film yet.
'I’m almost as in demand as Brad Pitt’