So what SHOULD a lesbian look like?

Hi. i just wanted to say this has been my experience as well and its very hurtful. And it makes it difficult to fit in anywhere. i say to myself we so called "femme's" have to fight back. but until your article i swear i thought i was the only one saying it!

I am sad to say I have also experienced this sort of attitude at several different Gay/Lesbian venues.
Having sported a stereotypical 'lesbian; haircut in my uni days and worked at a gay bar during my student days, I am really surprised and disappointed at how unwelcoming a lot of places make me feel now that I have long hair and wear a bit of makeup.
Unfortunately I am not surprised that the door staff have this policy / attitude as on the rare occasions I find myself on the scene, this sort of narrow minded view of how a lesbian has to look seems to run quite deeply amongst many of the patrons. I think until the lesbian community changes its attitude and becomes a bit more open minded, the door staff are unlikely to change as ultimately they are just members of the same community.
It is such a tremendous crime and embarrassment that any gay person should feel discriminated and judged by their own community when there is still such discrimination faced by so many gay people around the world and unfortunately even still in the UK – hence the need for events like ‘the vigil against hate crime’ on Friday (oct 28). Whilst being turned away from a club cannot be compared to the sort of bullying and violence victims of homophobia have to face, I do think gay venues have a moral responsibility to make anyone coming to their door feel welcome. If elements of the gay scene still lag behind and think all lesbinas come in one package – then they should be leading the way to kick these stereotypes to the curb.

I totally agree, this has happend to me on two seperate occasion 1st over 6 yrs ago and after the 2nd time i or my freinds did not go back to G-A-Y. Why should i be refused because i'm not butch or dykey looking (all time) should i be told by a guy that sorry although you took years to come to terms with your sexuality, you just don't look the part. disgusting, but this has gone on for years at G-A-Y. Such a shame they has been no change in it's attitude.

I've not been to Heaven for a while, but I remember one point back in the early nineties when Heaven's door policy became very 'gay-only' and they'd question people who didn't seem to conform to gay stereotypes. This was insulting and offensive back then, and while society's attitude in general has much improved since then, I'm saddened to hear Heaven is still refusing to move with the times and acknowledge a spectrum of sexual identities and looks.

I have no problem with people of any persuasion attending gay venues, but the one thing I do find offensive is straight couples who come to gay venues with the apparent misconception that heavy heterosexual snogging and groping is perfectly acceptable here - as if they want to be in a gay venue but ensure no-one mistakes them for gays! This behaviour, I feel, should result in removal of the aforementioned straight people from the club, but other than that, why not let everyone attend?

I'm not overly femme, but my gf is (liek Ava's) VERY androgynous - and because she's so tall she's generally assumed to be male. I'm waiting for the day we get turned away because we look like a straight couple!

I'm gradually coming out and dating a woman I knew years ago, but I wasn't ready then, but now it feels so right. I have an adrogenous face and sometimes (most of the time) I wear just a bit of blush, and other times I want to do the whole femme thing. My hair I cut short, kind of a little boy cut which looks good, as I am slender. Sometimes I let it wave where it will and other times I spike it.

Your column has been very helpful, so I will do what makes me feel like me in the moment. Thank you so much. I live in the US.

I think that "Gay only" door policy is VERY discriminatory.
I know I would be very upset if there were a straight only door policy at a regular club.
That is very narrow minded. If the wrong crowd is in the bar - gay or straight, they should be removed.

That being said, I am VERY femme. And my girlfriend is VERY androgynous.
Would one of us be permitted and the other not?
That would be very bad for their income. Gay people like to spend money and have a great time, weather they have short hair and baggy jeans, or makeup and stilettos. Who's to say that a Bi-curious girl wouldn't meet a lovely fling, or romance, even in these venues, that could push her into being fully Bi or gay? People need to reserve their judgments a LOT more.

Thank you so much for writing this. I had the same experience. Over and over and over, until I resigned from lesbianism. As it happens, I'm a homosexual woman. I've given up on being a lesbian, because I never felt I belonged in the club. And indeed, having put up with the bullying and social exclusion for being gay, for having been honest with everyone, the only support from the so-called "community" was to be asked to conform to the narrowest inverted-gender straitjacket imaginable. And I met so many women who told me they looked they way they did because they wanted to fit in. It isn't feminism. It's tribalism.

We could set up our own scene! One where people come as they are, or as they dream they might be. But perhaps that would compound the problem. You cannot "prove" your sexual inclinations, as gay asylum seekers discover. Not that I would mind too much being asked to snog a woman of my choice (do we get to choose someone in the queue? I'm open to offers...).

Maybe what we need is to put an end to having separate scenes. Go to "straight" venues. Ask women out, and expect any refusal to be couched in polite terms. Don't accept unkind reactions - no-one has the right to assume what your predilections are, or judge you by them. Now that would be radical. More so than ritual locks-chopping.

I have noticed an alarming trend for us to be expected to look like stereotype dykes. I recently went to a lesbian bar with a female friend both of us wearing lipstick, dress and heels, while we were admitted we received foul looks from the door staff.

It is dangerous enough on the street for two feminine girls, running the risk of exciting male fantasies. I have men coming up to me saying they want to "f**k" me, having simply seen me walking with a female friend. So I really could do without hassle getting into gay bars.

On the one hand things are getting much better with much less discrimination at work, it would be sad if we make things worse for ourselves.

Overall i think this article addresses a key problem with these venues and attitudes. However, I think its interesting that the author talks about celebrating diversity and in the same article seems to belittle experimentation and bisexuality by refering to whimsey, vogue's and bandwagons. Surely the author must admit that experimentation is mind expanding and largely a good thing. Sexuality has a sliding scale (see Kinsey's excellent studies) and no position along that scale should be derided or dennied just to appease those around us.

I completely agree with this article. As a femme lesbian I have been refused entry to Heaven just because I don't sport the standard Bieber 'do. It's sad that within the gay community where we strive so hard to be free from discrimination there is still a stigma against "looking too straight". I understand that G-A-Y feels the need to maintain a "gay only" door policy, but there are other gay/lesbian clubs that don't judge by appearances and manage to retain their target clientele, mainly because it's understood that those clubs are for gay/lesbian people and there is no need to weed out the straights at the door.

Thank you for writing this article and bringing this issue to public attention. Like Tim, I hope G-A-Y takes a look at this and make some changes for the better.

A beautifully written and though provoking article. Not true of all clubs though, I hope that G-A-Y sees this and takes a long hard look at themselves.

A very well written piece with some really good points but as someone who welcomes a "gay only" door policy my challenge back is how do you suggest club and pub owners / door staff can go about this?

You point out their faults but I notice you offer no solutions?