Property

Barnes

Village hall
The Barnes Community Association has a prominent site in Rose House at the top of the high street, complete with noticeboard advertising the local events it organises. 9/10

Cricket pitch
Barnes CC, established in 1919, has a ground 600 yards out of the village. Barnes Rugby Football Club is claimed to be the world’s oldest club, though the locals at Blackheath might have something to say about that. 6/10

Village green
Yep, a classic example with a pond. Milbourne House, the oldest house in Barnes and once owned by the novelist Henry Fielding, is directly opposite. Parts of it date back to the sixteenth century. 9/10

Local pub
Locals flock to the trendy but aged Sun Inn (7 Church Road, SW13, 020 8876 5893), which faces the green and does a nice pint of Deuchars IPA plus a suitably ersatz-rustique ploughman’s served on a wooden board. 7/10 Feature continues

Post office
The High Street has everything a village requires – including a butcher, fishmonger, baker – plus a hardware shop that doubles as a post office: the jackpot in bona fide village terms. 7/10

Church
There’s the Methodist Church by Barnes Pond, but it’s only 100 years old. Much better is the ancient St Mary’s (consecrated in the thirteenth century but since rebuilt), though that’s a small hike out of town. 6/10

Local bobby
The Community Association noticeboard advertises a police surgery every Sunday, 2-5pm, when you get to meet Sam Mines, the local bobby. Presumably, this is a good time to go burgling. 8/10

Annual fête
Organised by the Community Association, Barnes Fair is held on Barnes Green on the second Saturday of July. 8/10

Village idiot
The fact that Marc Bolan met his maker on the nearby common means the town occasionally plays host to aged glamsters, who share pavement space with the twitchers heading for the Wetland Centre. 4/10

Village people
Hundreds of small children, the offspring of the moneyed thirtysomethings who are drawn here like rich people to decent schools. 7/10

Local's verdict

‘It’s about as close to a village as you can get in London, with lots of local shops and things, but it’s quite big and not really all that friendly. I like it here, but it’s hardly Cornwall.’
Julie Knapper, Barnes resident

Total 71/100