Property

Barnes

Village hall
The Barnes Community Association has a prominent site in Rose House at the top of the high street, complete with noticeboard advertising the local events it organises. 9/10

Cricket pitch
Barnes CC, established in 1919, has a ground 600 yards out of the village. Barnes Rugby Football Club is claimed to be the world’s oldest club, though the locals at Blackheath might have something to say about that. 6/10

Village green
Yep, a classic example with a pond. Milbourne House, the oldest house in Barnes and once owned by the novelist Henry Fielding, is directly opposite. Parts of it date back to the sixteenth century. 9/10

Local pub
Locals flock to the trendy but aged Sun Inn (7 Church Road, SW13, 020 8876 5893), which faces the green and does a nice pint of Deuchars IPA plus a suitably ersatz-rustique ploughman’s served on a wooden board. 7/10

Post office
The High Street has everything a village requires – including a butcher, fishmonger, baker – plus a hardware shop that doubles as a post office: the jackpot in bona fide village terms. 7/10

Church
There’s the Methodist Church by Barnes Pond, but it’s only 100 years old. Much better is the ancient St Mary’s (consecrated in the thirteenth century but since rebuilt), though that’s a small hike out of town. 6/10

Local bobby
The Community Association noticeboard advertises a police surgery every Sunday, 2-5pm, when you get to meet Sam Mines, the local bobby. Presumably, this is a good time to go burgling. 8/10

Annual fête
Organised by the Community Association, Barnes Fair is held on Barnes Green on the second Saturday of July. 8/10

Village idiot
The fact that Marc Bolan met his maker on the nearby common means the town occasionally plays host to aged glamsters, who share pavement space with the twitchers heading for the Wetland Centre. 4/10

Village people
Hundreds of small children, the offspring of the moneyed thirtysomethings who are drawn here like rich people to decent schools. 7/10

Local's verdict

‘It’s about as close to a village as you can get in London, with lots of local shops and things, but it’s quite big and not really all that friendly. I like it here, but it’s hardly Cornwall.’
Julie Knapper, Barnes resident

Total 71/100
Blackheath

Village hall
Not really, but there is the Age Exchange centre on the High Street that acts as a sort of village hall for old people. The former parish hall is now the Mary Evans Picture Library. 4/10

The Sun Inn

Cricket pitch
Blackheath CC plays a few miles down the road in Charlton. Locals brag that Blackheath is where golf was introduced to England, with the formation of the Royal Blackheath Golf Club in 1608. 1/10

Village green
The heath is far too large to be a proper communal space (although there is a bandstand). However, it was a rallying point for the Peasants’ Revolt (1381) and Jack Cade’s Rebellion (1450). 4/10

Local pub
Abutting the heath 100 yards out of town is the splendid Princess of Wales (1a Montpelier Row, SE3, 020 8297 5911). There are claims that the world’s first rugby union club was founded here in 1858. 8/10

Post office
A perfect example of the genre, located right opposite the village library, just as it should be. 10/10

Church
The imposing All Saints (1857-67) is the only building located on the heath itself. It stands on its own at the edge of the heath and makes no attempt to relate to nearby buildings. 9/10

Local bobby
We didn’t see one, but the Met tells us that the officer in charge of Blackheath is Sergeant James Yaxley, who operates out of Lewisham nick, where he is in rather greater demand. 5/10

Annual fête
Blackheath Fair was a biannual event that in 1837 featured an appearance by Spring Heeled Jack who tore the blouse off one Polly Adams. These days there’s less blouse-tearing when it takes place in May. 7/10

Village idiot
A chap stands at the crossing by the greengrocers every Saturday, holding a sign that says ‘Stop Killing the World’, which is good advice if annoyingly imprecise. 2/10

Village people
Blackheath is surely the only place in London where the tea hut on the station platform has pavement seating and plays classical music to customers. This is a place that works hard at being posh. 7/10

Local's verdict
‘We have a butcher, a post office and a bakery, as well as curtain-twitchers. You suddenly feel compelled to talk to your neighbours or join the Neighbourhood Watch – things you’ve watched your mum do for years but never thought you’d emulate.’ Anna Vickerstaff, Blackheath resident

Total 57/100

Approach to Bow Church

Bow

Village hall
Kingsley Hall was a shelter and soup kitchen for workers during the general strike. Today’s activities: ‘drumming session open to youth’. Probably no bring-and-buy sales, then. 6/10

Cricket pitch
There is a cricket pitch at Mile End stadium, but it’s not exactly a small local facility. 6/10

Village green
At the junction of Stroudley Walk and Bromley High Street, there is a triangle of litter-covered tarmac with the post office on one side alongside the Bow Fish Bar and a Ladbrokes. 3/10

Local pub
Traditional East End boozer the Bow Bells (116 Bow Road, E3, 020 8981 7317). 10/10

Post office
A large but shabby one on Stroudley Walk. 6/10

Church
Bow Church, parts of which date back to 1311, sits like a desolate island bang in the middle of Bow Road. It’s one of the churches in the nursery rhyme ‘Oranges and Lemons’. 4/10

Bow: a village of convenience

Local bobby
‘You’re jokin,’ retorts Bow Bells landlady Barbara Thompson, 53. ‘They’re all flyin’ around in cars these days. I’ve never seen a foot copper at all.’ 1/10

Annual fête
There’s a Bow Festival where local performance artists re-enact the Jarrow Hunger March with recycled tyres and that sort of thing. 3/10

Village idiot
MP for Bethnal Green & Bow, George Galloway. 11/10

Village people
‘People are from all walks of life, but there are a lot of City people coming in and the prices are sky-high. It’s losing its old working-class, Labour people.’ John Ayres, Bow Bells regular 6/10

Local's verdict
‘These days you don’t know who your neighbours are from one day to the next, the area’s changing that quickly. But there’s still enough of us old-timers around to keep the area from getting too up itself.’ Ron Smallwood, Bow resident

Total 56/100
Dulwich
Village hall
Along with the adjacent Audi showroom, St Barnabas Parish Hall marks the start of the village proper. It mainly organises children’s events and Pilates classes. 8/10

Cricket pitch
Dulwich Cricket Club plays in an idyllic setting just off Burbage Road in the village. 7/10

Village green
The haughty, dominant Dulwich Park is nearby, but doesn’t really count as a green because a) it’s massive, b) it’s gated and c) it’s actually not very green at the moment because it’s being resurfaced. 3/10

Local pub
The massive Crown & Greyhound (73 Dulwich Village, SE21, 020 8299 4976) hosts Pilates classes when the village hall is closed, plus the poetry and wine societies, and film nights. 8/10

Post office
A sweet sub-post office right in the middle of the village, next to the ‘organically minded grocer’. 9/10

Church
Wedged next to the Dulwich Picture Gallery is the dinky Christ’s Chapel, a seventeenth-century edifice. It’s not the village’s main place of worship, but it’s the nicest. 6/10

Local bobby
Sergeant Stephen Farrant is the community bobby, working out of nearby Lordship Lane police station, which is where most of the action is (ie not that near Dulwich Village). 5/10

Annual fête
Rather more than a village fête, the Dulwich Festival takes place in May and ‘showcases local artistic talent as well as Dulwich’s buildings, history and wonderful open spaces’. No coconut shy, then. 3/10

Village Idiot
Ron Liddle lives in Dulwich and uses his piss-poor column in the Sunday Times to write about his 'smug' and 'complacent' neighbours; but's not an idiot, he's a twat. 6/10

Village people
The number of excellent local independent schools suggests this is not a place for your typical south Londoner. Put it this way: there aren’t many Millwall fans around (other than Liddle). 2/10

Local's verdict
‘It’s not a village really, it’s just a posh suburb. There is a sort of community, but it can get
very snobby.’ Sammy Kenton, Dulwich resident

Total 56/100

The bowling green

Enfield

Village hall
The Drill Hall is mostly used for sports activities. Sadly there’s no village disco – unless you count Eros on the A10. Plus points, though, for the bowling green at the local Conservative Club. 8/10

Cricket pitch
There is a pitch at the town park on Essex Road. 9/10

Village green
Large, leafy Chase Green is suitably tranquil and is even surrounded by cottages with roses twining round their doors. 10/10

Local pub
The ivy-covered Old Wheatsheaf (3 Windmill Hill, EN3, 020 8363 0516) next to Chase Green is appropriately villagey with its timber beams – and ‘Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door’ on the stereo. 10/10

Post office
There is a sub-post office on the village green. 7/10

Church
The parish church is St Andrew’s, which dates to 1190 and has a cracking church tower from the fourteenth century . 10/10

Enfield Conservative Club

Local bobby
‘The community police, Lou and Ollie pop in regularly – but not in a bad way,’ says Toni Heather, 24, bartender at the Old Wheatsheaf. 10/10

Annual fête
Not as such, unless you count a group of 15-year-olds bashing out ‘Mustang Sally’ on the village green the day we visited. However, in a show of one-upmanship, the green is host to an annual classic car show. 5/10

Village people
A quick walkabout revealed a fair smattering of Mercs and BMWs along the leafy canals and twisting lanes – rural poverty this ain’t. 5/10

Local's verdict
‘It’s beautiful, and we’re within easy reach of both real countryside and the town.’
Philip Walker, 73, Conservative Club drinker

Total 80/100
THE WINNER!
Hampstead
Village hall
The old community centre has been turned into a vegetable market. 0/10

Hampstead room with a view

Cricket pitch
No pitch, but there is a team that trains in West Hampstead. 3/10

Village green
The heath doesn’t really count as it’s too big. In the past there was a village green at the top of the hill at White Stone Pond, where a shallow pond was built to water horses on their way up the hill. 2/10

Local pub
A dying breed but the olde-worlde Holly Bush (22 Holly Mount, NW3, 020 7435 2892), the Flask (14 Flask Walk, NW3, 020 7435 4580) and William IV (77 Hampstead High Street, NW3, 020 7435 5747) cling on. 8/10

Post office
There’s a good one on the High Street. 8/10

Church
The eighteenth-century St John’s in Church Row is the parish church – it gets bonus points because the spire is at the wrong end. 10/10

Local bobby
There’s a police station on the High Street and Sergeant Steve Pepper leads the Hampstead team. The local bobby and community wardens are often seen out and about. 6/10

Annual fête
The Gayton Road festival is held every September, there’s a funfair on the Vale of Health every summer, and another fair in South End Green. There used to be barrel-racing on the heath. 9/10

Village idiot
Rainbow George is one of London’s greatest eccentrics. A friend of Peter Cook, in 2005 he ran an unprecedented political campaign, simultaneously standing in 12 constituencies during the general election. 9/10

Village people
It has a reputation for bohemians, artists and writers, though Hampstead is now home to City high-fliers, bankers and ladies who lunch. 4/10

Local's verdict
‘Hampstead’s great. Highgate is just a miniature M25.’ James Judge, Hampstead resident

Total 59/100
Highgate
Village hall
Not as such, but there is the Highgate Society, based in Pond Square, which aims to conserve the historic nature of the village. There’s also the suitably genteel French Circle and Watercolour Group. 5/10

Cricket pitch
Although the village doesn’t have its own pitch, there is a village team that practises at Highgate School at the top of the village. 6/10

Village green
Not square, not green and not even a pond, Pond Square, at the heart of the village, is a triangle of paving stones masquerading as a village green. 2/10

Local pub
Highgate was the last stop-off for farmers taking cattle into the city and the abundance of pubs (eight on the High Street, including the Prince of Wales) reflects the fact that the village was something of a party stop. 9/10

Post office
There’s a sub-post office that’s part of the general store on the High Street. 7/10

Church
St Michael’s is the local parish church. At the entrance there is a marker indicating that the floor level is 365 feet above sea level – the same height as the dome of St Paul’s. 10/10

Local bobby
Locals in the Prince of Wales knew the name of their affable copper, PC Mick Hall, who regularly pops his head round the door of the various pubs (as well as keeping an eye on muggings and murders, of course). 9/10

Annual fête
There is an annual village festival that sells local produce (think organic elderberry wine) and arts and crafts. There’s also a merry-go-round. 8/10

Village idiot
Good for eccentrics: there’s the man who walks 1,000 miles every week; and the one who lives in a shed at the top of the High Street. 8/10

Village people
Locals describe themselves as ‘professional’, ‘white middle-class’ and ‘not very multicultural’. Every other shop on the High Street is an estate agent, with prices near £2 million for some properties. 4/10

Local's verdict
‘It’s a close-knit community. If one thing happens at the bottom of the High Street, give us five minutes and everyone will know about it at the top. We’re superior to Hampstead. Hampstead has lost it – it’s even got a McDonald’s.’ Peter Desbois, Highgate resident

Total 68/100

Kew cricket pavilion

Kew

Village hall
Not as such, but St Anne’s church does have a parish hall, while the National Archive is around the corner. 2/10

Cricket pitch
Absolutely, right in the centre of the old village (ie the bit round Kew Green), complete with pavilion, sight screens and asymmetrical boundaries. Quite simply a perfect example of the genre. 10/10

Village green
Yep, across the busy main road from the cricket pitch. There’s also the nearby Kew Botanical Gardens, which some cynical locals now consider to be ‘no better than a theme park’. 10/10

Local pub
There are two overlooking Kew Green – the Greyhound (82 Kew Green, TW9, 020 8940 0071) and the Young’s-owned Coach & Horses (8 Kew Green, TW9, 020 8940 1208). 8/10

Post office
The post office by Kew Green was knocked down along with a butcher and hardware store to make way for a new development (one of the reasons why locals snort at the notion of a ‘village’). 2/10

Kew Green

Church
The huge 300-year-old St Anne’s sits in a dominant position across the cricket pitch from the Rose & Crown. 10/10

Local bobby
The nearest police station is in Richmond, where Sergeant Will Cherry has responsibility for Kew. 5/10

Annual fête
Kew Fayre 2006 is on September 2 on the village green, but isn’t just for locals. Last year there were 20,000 visitors and 200 stalls. The dog show is particularly popular. 6/10

Village idiot
Not a local idiot as such, but Kew has an eccentric plant: the titan arum, at the Botanical Gardens. It has a distinctive aroma that can be placed somewhere between rotting flesh and excrement. 4/10

Village people
People who can’t afford Chiswick plus a handful of ’70s holdouts who moved here when it was cheap and now lament their new moneyed neighbours. 6/10

Local's verdict
‘It feels like a village, but what makes Kew stand out is being ten minutes from a world heritage site, although that does cause a lot of traffic. We’re also on the Heathrow flightpath, so it can get noisy, but at least we’re not very far from the airport. I do wish we had more ethnic diversity, though.’ Angela Seay, chair of the Kew Society

Total 63/100

Not a cricket pitch but a basketball court

Walthamstow

Village hall
Orford Road houses the old town hall, now the Happy Child Day Nursery. There’s also a half-timbered ‘hall house’ opposite the church which dates back to the fifteenth century. 4/10

Cricket pitch
Of course not. But there are iron cricket stumps and a short pitch in the tarmac’d playground on East Avenue, which also boasts basketball hoops. 1/10

Village green
Church Common, by St Mary’s, was sold to developers in the 1890s. You can see trees but barely a patch of grass in the village. Your nearest bet is the lower end of Epping Forest, a ten-minute walk. 0/10

Local pub
The vaguely bohemian Nag’s Head (9 Orford Road, E17, 0871 426 2544), with its house cat and Sunday jazz sessions, is the focal point of the village. There’s also the cosy Village (31 Orford Road, E17, 020 8521 4398). 8/10

Post office

Walthamstow High Street

Yes, an appropriately quaint, narrow, old-school post office-cum-stationery shop. 7/10

Church
St Mary’s Church is a huge Norman church, started in the twelfth century and expanded over the years. Local legend tells us that the graveyard is haunted, although that’s probably the muggers who hang out on Vinegar Alley. 10/10

Annual fête
The Walthamstow Village Residents’ Association has an annual fête at the Vestry House Museum in July. The bigger Walthamstow Festival also takes up most of Orford Road every August. 7/10

Village idiot
Local stuntman Terry Cole can be found in the Walthamstow Guardian most weeks, riding 20km on a Space Hopper or some such. He now holds more than 200 world records. 10/10

Village people
A mix of families and low-key professionals (City clerks, university-educated key workers). ‘You can’t move for teachers,’ says one resident. ‘Which is a bit annoying – they win all the pub quizzes…’ 8/10

Local's verdict
‘It is surprisingly quiet and rather more gentrified than some other bits of Walthamstow. And people do tend to know their neighbours, which is a rarity in London. It’s not really a village, though, is it?’ Colin Fleming, 36, local resident

Total 58/100