Shopping

Andrew Jose
This small, friendly salon perched at the end of Charlotte Street is known for delivering excellent cuts and colour. New this summer is Matrix, the latest permanent straightening system to hit the UK market (from £400), and Godiva hair extensions, which we are told are much kinder than traditional extensions (from £750, maintenance sessions every four months cost from £40 per hour). Wash, cut and blow-dry from £41.
Andrew Jose, 1 Charlotte St, W1 1RB (7323 4679/www.andrewjose.com). Tottenham Court Rd tube. 9am-7pm Mon-Wed; 9am-9pm Thur-Fri; 9am-6pm Sat.

Anita Cox Hair & Beauty Best for dry hair
An unassuming yet welcoming salon with friendly staff and a loyal local client base. Stylist Natasha opted for the Loreal Symbio colour range on this tester’s home-dye-addicted hair. Part intensive conditioner, part semi-permanent dye, the treatment lends shine, softness and an unbelievable depth of colour that has been lacking since our dye-in-a-box abuses began. Lasting up to eight washes, it’s low-maintenance but has the highest impact. At only £25 for a re-gloss, this could become our new addiction. Colour starts at £45.
Anita Cox Hair & Beauty, 40 Battersea Rise, SW11 1EE (7223 8888/www.anitacox.co.uk). Clapham Junction rail. 10am-8pm Tue-Thur; 10am-7pm Fri; 10am-6pm Sat; 10am-5pm Sun.

Aqffin
In an area where demand for hip hair supports seven salons within two minutes’ walking distance, the atmosphere at Aqffin is supremely relaxing – a chilled-out change from its full-on competitors. The kitsch decor – toy robots, cherry-red cube chairs and artfully haphazard Dan Flavin-style tube lighting – lends a cheery vibe. Cuts ‘from classic to crazy’, as well as the latest version of the Yuko straightening system, are executed to a high standard: owner Ikkei’s crop of stylists all have at least ten years’ experience. Women’s cut and styling from £38, men’s from £28. Highlights from £45.
Aqffin, 55 Commercial St, E1 6BD (7247 4732/www.aqffin.com). Aldgate East tube. 11am-8pm Mon-Fri; 11am-7pm Sat; 10am-5pm Sun.

Brooks & Brooks
Jamie and Sally Brooks and their team of stylists have won London Hairdresser of the Year three times in recent years. It’s not hard to see why: the team is made up of consummate professionals. Consultations are thorough, taking into account skin tone and face shape. Prices are reasonable, starting from £35 for a ladies’ cut and blow-dry while new ‘express’ treatments from Kerastase address specific needs of different hair types, and start from just £12.50.
Brooks & Brooks, 13-15 Sicilian Avenue, WC1A 2QH (7405 8111/www.brooksandbrooks.co.uk). Holborn tube. 10am-6.15pm Mon-Tues; 11.15am-7.30pm Wed-Thur; 10.45am-7pm Fri; 10am-5.30pm Sat.

B:ZAR
A tiny Soho salon run by an affable team of young Japanese hairdressers, the vibe is that special brand of understated cool – a formidable stack of CDs at the back of the room is a diverse mix of tunes, and the downstairs salon offers up Hollywood-style bulb mirrors and a comfy couch for those waiting to recline. It’s not exactly glam, but the small details make it work – from the soft cotton cloth they place over your face to prevent shampoo splashbacks to the complimentary shiatsu head-and-shoulder massage the stylists give you after a long sit in their chairs. Cuts are £35 for women, £29.50 for men (with a 20 per cent discount for students).
B:ZAR, 68 Berwick St, W1F 8SY (7494 0426/www.b-zar.com). Tottenham Court Rd tube. 10am-7pm Mon-Sat.

Charles Worthington Percy Street
This CW salon seems to have succeeded in reconciling the contradictory needs of London hairdressing: it’s frantically busy, yet calm. Is it the pale wood? The plates of apples? The skylight? The treatments tucked away downstairs? Certainly the hot towel wrap, in which conditioner is massaged in then left under heat for 15 minutes, is small but perfectly formed. Or perhaps it’s the welcoming grin of master stylist Bill, who is unfazed by the curliest hair and the most demanding customer beneath it. The fact that every haircut merits a mid-wash massage doesn’t hurt, either. Cut and blow-dry with master stylist, £75, hot towel treatment, £16.
Charles Worthington, 7 Percy St W1T 1DH (7631 1370/www.cwlondon.com). 8am-7.45pm Mon-Thur; 10.15am-6.45pm Fri; 9.15am-5.45pm Sat; 10am-4.45pm Sun.

Charlie Le Mindu at Tatty Devine Best for big night out hair
If the novelty of getting your hair styled in a jewellery shop isn’t enough, wait until celebrity hairdresser Charlie Le Mindu gets hold of your barnet. With the demeanour of your best friend’s naughty little brother, Charlie specialises in big ironic ’dos (think ‘Dynasty’ times ‘Dallas’), but can create a multitude of styles on request. Counting Peaches and the B-52s among his clientele, you’re guaranteed a ’do worthy of Dalston’s finest nightclubs’. Each style comes with its own free Tatty Devine/Charlie Le Mindu hair accessory, with prices at £30 for girls and £20 for boys. He can also do a quick fringe trim for £5.
Charlie Le Mindu at Tatty Devine, 236 Brick Lane, E2 7LH (7434 2257/www.tattydevine.com). Liverpool St tube. Friday 2-6pm.

Cobella Ac
With a main salon in Kensington, its West End concession in Selfridges is no less prestigious. Haircuts and colour here are consistently good. Prices for cut and blow-dry start at £55, rising to £99 for more senior stylists. Soon to be launching the latest Nanomax hair treatment (from £80) which steam-injects nano-sized protein particles into the hair shaft, apparently improving hair condition by up to 80 per cent.
Cobella Ac, Third Floor, Selfridges, 400 Oxford St, W1A 1AB (0870 900 0440/www.cobella.co.uk). Bond St or Marble Arch tube. 9.30am-9pm Mon-Sat.

Cuts
The legendary Soho salon, smothered with stickers, flyers and locals who like to hang out on its beaten-up leather sofa, is best for guys who need a quick, skilful restyle without the frills (you bend over forwards to wash your hair). A gents’ wet cut with scissors is £32.50, or £28.50 if you let your stylist loose with clippers too.
Cuts, 39 Frith St, W1D 5LL (7734 2171). Leicester Square tube. 11am-6.30pm Mon-Fri; 10am-5.30pm Sat; noon-4pm alternate Sun.

Daniel Galvin
A good colourist, says Louise Galvin, pays attention to the customer’s hair, eyes, skin – and to what they say, or rather, what they mean, which isn’t necessarily the same thing. One of London’s top colourists, she bases her colour decisions on a maxim of her father’s: Daniel Galvin says that you should notice a woman’s eyes, not her hair. If the hair stands out, the colourist has messed up. In a hectic Marylebone salon with lights and PA announcements reminiscent of an airport, Louise takes about three seconds to prescribe the perfect colour and not that much longer to apply it. She is charming and interested; only when she and the client are both happy is the latter sent downstairs to a coffee bar and a blow-dry. This isn’t a restful experience, but to paraphrase a competitor (Louise has a line of hair products), it’s worth it. Highlights with Louise cost from £300; a blow dry is from £25.
Daniel Galvin, 58-60 George St W1U 7ET (7486 9661/www.danielgalvin.com). Marble Arch tube. 9am-7pm Mon-Wed; 9am-7.30pm Thur; 9am-7pm Fri-Sat.

Daniel Hersheson
This long-established salon (Daniel’s son Luke is also in on the act) predicts trends rather than follows them. The pair pioneered ceramic-ironed hair before anyone else; now it’s all about laidback waves. Cuts start from a reasonable £55 (£70 for Afro hair), though Hersheson senior will set you back £250. Colour is a strong point: try some baliage (hand-painted strands for natural lights) from £40. There is another salon in Harvey Nichols as well as a compact concession in the basement of Topshop, Oxford Circus, boasting its very own Hersheson blow-dry bar.
Daniel Hersheson, 45 Conduit St, W1S 2YN (7434 1747/www.danielhersheson.com). Oxford Circus tube. 9am-5pm Mon; 9am-6.30pm Tue-Wed; 9am-8pm Thur-Fri; 9am-7pm Sat.

Errol Douglas Best for Afro locks
Tucked away off Sloane Street, with a discreet back entrance and a private treatment room, the award-winning Errol Douglas’s salon isn’t one bit as pretentious as you’d expect from an A-list hair hotspot. It’s chic but not swanky, sophisticated yet realistically priced, and there’s not a branded hair range in sight. Instead, Errol’s bubbly staff will transform your barnet from damaged to dazzling without you feeling like you need a Hollywood tan to match. Cuts are elegant and classic, the Matrix hair colours are superbly natural and their vast range of treatments particularly cater for Afro locks. Frizzy heads will relish their popular permanent blow-dry (£150-£450), while cuts range from £50 to £200 for women and from £35 to £100 for men.
Errol Douglas, 18 Motcomb St, SW1X 8LB (7235 0110/www.erroldouglas.com). Knightsbridge tube. 9am-6pm Mon; 9am-7pm Tue-Sat.

ESHK
A firm favourite among Time Out readers, ESHK owners Meg Liu and Fernando Lopez are veterans of the London Fashion Week hair circuit and pride themselves on being at the forefront of trends. Their Clerkenwell salon is decked out in an eclectic blend of antique and vintage furniture and all staff have more than ten years’ experience – a fact that’s not reflected in its reasonable prices. Men’s cut and finish from £26, ladies’ from £40, colour from £45 and extensions are available with price on request.
ESHK, 156 Goswell Rd, EC1V 7DW (7253 9592/www.eshk-hair.com). Old St tube/rail or Barbican tube. 10am-8pm Mon-Fri; 10am-6pm Sat; 11am-6pm Sun.

Fish Soho
Thanks to original blue and white tiles and some casually hung pictures, this former fishmonger’s is a little retro and a lot informal to hang out in, best focus the energies on the cutting, not looking cool. Which is just how the clientel like it. Donna hails from New Zealand and cuts the hair of numerous Time Out peeps – the other hairdressers are also popular. Relatively cheap for its location (£45 for girls and £35 for boys).
Fish Soho, 30 D’Arblay St, W1F 8ER (7494 2398/www.fishsoho.com). Oxford Circus tube. 10am-7pm Mon-Wed, Fri; 10am-8pm Thur; 10am-5pm Sat.

Gentlemen’s Tonic
A grown-up Mayfair hairdresser for men who are tired of hasty barber-shop trims and overhearing other people’s banter about holidays. It’s professionally run, exudes Mayfair class and has individual booths so you don’t need to share your anxiety about hair loss or greying with the entire salon. There are plasma TV screens in front of every barber’s chair if you prefer to zone out while being trimmed (shampoo, cut, rinse and blow-dry, £42). We always ask for Imad, the charming Syrian barber, who can also trim your eyebrows and ear hair if you so wish. Other treatments include beard trimming, wet shaves (a groom’s wedding-day treat for some: £32), highlights and even back waxes or massages in the treatment rooms downstairs. There’s a new branch in Selfridges, too, but we prefer the original.
Gentlemen’s Tonic, 31a Bruton Place, W1J 6NN (7297 4343/www.gentlemenstonic.com). Green Park tube. 10am-7pm Mon; 10am-8pm Tues-Wed; 10am-9pm Thur; 10am-7pm Fri; 10am-6pm, Sat.

Hair by Steph at The Victoria Best value for money
Not so much a salon as, well, a pub, actually. On the first Sunday of every month, this trendy, relaxed boozer offers snips to its predominantly young, artsy clientele along with a jumble sale of vintage clothing and bric-à-brac. There are no hair-washing facilities, and trims do tend towards the experimental, but with the cuts coming from an ex-salon snipper at £15 for men, £20 for women, it’s astounding value for a top-quality cut. And you can always retire to the beer garden afterwards.
Hair By Steph at The Victoria,110 Grove Rd, E3 5TH (8980 6609/www.thevictoriae3.com / www.parlourmacabre.blogspot.com ). Mile End tube. Contact Steph directly for availability: 07856502216 or parlourmacabre@gmail.com.

Hari’s
A pioneer in a number of ultra-indulgent treatments such as the golden-strip wax (warm wax with pure molten 24-carat gold) the enriching caviar hair mask and strictly for the non-squeamish: Hari’s own ‘Aberdeen Angus Organic Bull Sperm Treatment’ which is hailed as the ‘ultimate rescue for damaged hair’. Euck! An appointment with Hari himself costs from £75 for a men’s cut, £150 for a women’s cut and blow-dry, while a wash and blow-dry with a junior stylist will set you back just £25.
Hari's, 305 Brompton Rd, SW3 2DY (7581 5211/www.harissalon.com) South Kensington tube. 9.30am-6.30pm Mon-Fri; 9am-6.30pm Sat.

House of Charles Worthington
Charles Worthington’s grandly named Great Queen Street salon (there are four others) has kept the original Georgian townhouse layout, with small rooms over five floors, making for an intimate, unintimidating experience. Good, solid cutting is from £45 for men. The flagship Percy Street salon (7631 1370, see above) also has a vastly loyal clientele and is a favourite among Time Out staff.
Charles Worthington, 28 Great Queen St, WC2B 5BB (7831 5303/www.cwlondon.com). Covent Garden tube. 8am-8pm Mon-Thur; 10.15am-7pm Fri; 9.15am-6pm Sat; 10am-5pm Sun.

It’s Something Hells Best for retro style
Mr Ducktail and his wife, Miss Betty, are rockabilly pin-ups. Tattooed and coiffured respectively, the pair moved their hair salon from Toulouse to Kingly Court last summer and have steadily gained a loyal fanbase with London’s retro-obsessed. While Betty creates glamorous ’dos from the ’40s to the ’60s in her leopardprint and red velvet boudoir, a steady stream of bad boys lines up for Mr Ducktail’s slick switchblade cuts and springy, awe-inspiringly tall pompadours. This tester was clipped and trimmed to a rockabilly soundtrack, and 30 minutes later had a cut slicker than Arthur Fonzarelli. Look out for Mr Ducktail’s first range of cola-scented hair pomade available this September.
It’s Something Hells, Unit 2.16 Kingly Court, W1B 5PW (7287 0241/www.myspace.com/something_hells). Covent Garden tube. 11am-7pm Mon-Sat. Prices on request.

Jo Hansford
When only the best colour for your hair will do, all roads lead to Jo Hansford. This Mayfair salon couples supreme skills in colour and cutting with a friendly, welcoming vibe – no mean feat given the location, which screams money, and lots of it. Courtney gave the best vegetable dye colour we’d ever had – making previously unruly, thick and coarse hair glossy and soft. It’s not cheap, but if you’re after the best money can buy – and there are plenty more expensive – then it’s a must.
Jo Hansford, 19 Mount St, W1K 2RN (7495 7774/www.johansford.com). Bond St/Green Park tube. 9am-6pmTue-Fri; 8.30am-5.30pm Sat.

Karine Jackson
Karine Jackson is an expert in colour, and is something of a pioneer when it comes to organic dyes. Try out her bright, friendly salon if you don’t like the chemical odour of ordinary dyes – hers are derived from beetroot and liquorice, and smell lovely. Treatments come with a glass of fizz, fancy crisps and a gossip mag. Downstairs are two top-notch beauty rooms for treatments and all manner of grooming including CACI – clever electro-muscle tightening administered by beauty expert Liesl. Ladies’ gloss colour highlights are from £42 with a graduate stylist and a cut and blow-dry is from £35.
Karine Jackson, 24 Litchfield St, WC2H 9NU (7836 0300/www.karinejackson.co.uk). Leicester Square tube. 10am-8pm Mon-Wed; 10am-9pm Thur; 10am-7pm Fri; 9am-6pm Sat.

The Lounge Soho
This ten-year-old salon has built a reputation for being friendly, creative and offering reasonable prices, appealing to everyone from Berwick Street Market stall-holders to trendy media types. The complimentary beers, coffee, videogames and wi-fi make it stand out from the sea of Soho salons. Prices from £40 for a cut and blow-dry for men, and from £50 for women.
The Lounge Soho, 26 Peter St, W1F 0AH (7437 3877/www.theloungesoho.co.uk). Piccadilly Circus tube. 10am-7pm Mon; 10am-8pm Tue-Wed; 10am-9pm Thur; 10am-8pm Fri; 10am-7pm Sat; noon-5pm Sun.

Michaeljohn Best for highlights
After a change of ownership and a complete facelift, the bathrooms alone are worth a visit to Michaeljohn. With a private room and 19 individual stations, the salon is as busy as ever, and clever design and decor buffers sound and restores calm.
This tester, a nervous (not natural) blonde, has worked hard to get her hair into good condition but, with the initial consultation complete, we knew we were in good hands. With the emphasis eschewing harsh frizz-inducing treatments in favour of the latest product developments, brassy highlights were restored to a soft fawn colour. With some of the most down-to-earth staff we’ve come across, a full-service beauty salon (men and women), pedicure stations that look like spaceships and a competitive pricelist, for a non-high-street hair salon you’d be hard pressed to find better than this in exclusive Mayfair.
Michaeljohn, 25 Albemarle St, W1S 4HU (7629 6969/www.michaeljohn.co.uk). Green Park tube. 8am-6.30pm Mon, Sat; 9am-7pm Tue-Wed, Fri; 9am-8pm Thur.

Murdock London
Remarkably good value with just a couple of hairdressers who get very booked-up in advance, this place prides itself on offering quality haircuts without rushing. You can also get a wet shave.
Murdock London, 340 Old St, EC1V 9DS (7729 2288/www.murdocklondon.com). Old St tube/rail. 10am-6.15pm Mon-Wed; 10am-7.15pm Thur; 10am-6.15pm Fri; 10am-4.30pm Sat.

Nyumba
The friendly flamboyance of owner Michael Charalambous makes Nyumba – ‘home’ in Swahili – an unusually friendly and effusive salon. Getting a cut with the great man himself is pricey at £300 (wince), but plenty wouldn’t go to anyone else. Charalambous prides himself on finding the most flattering cut for each face, and takes nature’s slight asymmetries into account as he chops. Think groomed glamour rather than directional. Cuts from £95, superior hair extensions from £450.
Nyumba, 6-7 Mount St, W1K 3EH (7408 1489/www.nyumbasalon.com). Bond St/Green Park tube. 8.30am-8pm Mon-Fri; 8.30am-7pm Sat.

Patrick Lüdde
The eponymous Lüdde has 20 years’ experience of private clients and session-styling alike. His salon is down to earth and good value for the location, with a cut and style from £52 (from £110 for Lüdde), and half a head of highlights from £85. The UK’s only George Michael Long Hair Clinic is also here, showing long-tressed clients how to wrap their hair for straightness (no wielding of the hot irons in here), create an elegant up-do and dry-trim split ends (£40).
Patrick Lüdde, 22 Maddox St, W1S 1PW (7495 9040/www.patrickludde.com). Oxford Circus tube. 9am-6pm Mon-Tue; 10am-6pm Wed; 9am-8pm Thur-Fri; 9am-6pm Sat.

Pimps & Pinups Best for East End cool
Staff at this Spitalfields salon (with a new branch in New York) are wispy-thin, tattooed and friendly, performing a full range of cuts, colours and treatments for men and women. Black brick walls, scuffed leather sofas and lightbulb-lit mirrors are a nod to old Hollywood, although the incongrous soundtrack flits from rockabilly classics to Brooklyn indie bands. For all its pretensions to be east London’s epicentre of cool, the clientele are pleasingly varied – from local hipsters to Liverpool Street office girls getting their roots touched up – and the service is speedy and slick. With a specialism in the legendary up-do (£40 per hour), the Pimps also pride themselves on a making a mean cup of tea. Cut and style £40 (£34 for men), half a head of highlights from £70.
Pimps & Pinups, 14 Lamb St, E1 6EA (7426 2121/www.pimpsandpinups.com). Liverpool St tube/rail. 10am-8pm Mon-Fri; 10am-6pm Sat-Sun.

Realhair Best for cuts
Quietly cool and understated, this Chelsea salon has been the go-to for London’s A-list for years, counting the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow, Elle Macpherson and Jemima Khan among its loyal clientele. Cuts start at £50, but if you’re after a brand new style, it’s well worth booking an appointment with creative director John Vial, who will carefully consider your face shape and hair type before recommending the most flattering cut. At £200, his expertise (he worked alongside Vidal Sassoon for years) comes at a price, but he’s worth every penny (and Sassoon’s wife still entrusts him with her locks).
Realhair, 6-8 Cale St, SW3 3QU (7589 0877/www.realhair.co.uk). South Kensington tube. 8.30am-6.30pm Mon-Sat.

Richard Ward
Situated just off the King’s Road, complete with in-house café, enormous TV screens and multiple treatment rooms, Richard Ward is designed both to impress and cater to the client’s every need. We tried the Pro Hair growth treatment (£60), which began with a short consultation with stylist Karen before the application of numerous ungents and lotions designed to unblock hair follicles and promote hair renewal. Results were squeaky-clean, shiny hair and one of the most glamorous – if ever so slightly Sloaney – blow-dries we’ve ever had.
Richard Ward, 82 Duke of York Square, SW3 4LY (7730 1222/www.richardward.co.uk). Sloane Square tube. 9am-7pm Mon, Tue, Thur-Sat; 9am-8pm Wed.

Sanrizz
With five salons in London, including Knightsbridge, Covent Garden and Muswell Hill, Sanrizz has built up a reputation for being both friendly and professional. They recently did a brilliant job on our tester’s botched hair-straightening job courtesy of another salon. The Schwarzkopf permanent straightening system comes recommended, from £350.
Sanrizz, 134 Brompton Rd, SW3 1HY (7589 4531/www.sanrizz.co.uk). Knightsbridge tube. 9am-6.30pm Mon-Tue; 9am-8pm Wed-Thur; 9am-6.30pm Fri; 9am-6pm Sat.

Sejour
One of the first salons to move away from practical but faceless decor, Sejour looks like a girlish boudoir in a chichi mews house – which is more or less what it is, tucked away in the residential streets behind the King’s Road. There are luxurious touches aplenty: shiatsu massage chairs at the basins, silk kimonos instead of nylon gowns and an on-call chauffeur, but the actual hairdressing is top-notch too. Cuts from £60, half-head highlights from £90.
Sejour, 3-5 Bray Place, SW3 3LL (08448 848 400/www.sejour.co.uk). Sloane Square tube. 8.30am-6pm Mon-Tue; 8.30am-8pm Wed; 8.30am-6pm Thur; 8.30am-7pm Fri; 8.30am-6pm Sat.

Sharps
Don’t be fooled by Sharps’s bright, contemporary interior – its barber service is traditional through and through. Offering a dry cut for £21, a wash, cut and style for £26 and a tough-guy head-shave for £24, the Sharps Shave (£31) includes a ‘Face Lube, Oil & Filter’ with three hot towels. Sharps’s own range of grooming products is available alongside manly things like Grenson brogues, a rather fancy-looking Japanese scooter and cold Amstel beer to chug in front of the plasma TVs.
Sharps Barber and Shop, 13A Charlotte St, W1T 1RH (7636 8688/www.sharpsbarbers.com). Goodge St tube. 9am-7pm Mon-Wed; 9am-8pm Thur; 9am-7pm Fri; 10am-6pm Sat.

Taylor Taylor
Think the Palace of Versailles meets Shoreditch shabby chic at this glamorous East End salon. Decorated with bird cages, dripping chandeliers, gilt-edged mirrors and an opulent ‘gold’ room, the salon certainly fulfills the eye-candy quota. The hairdressing is pretty impressive too. Don’t be daunted by the achingly hip staff (after all, this is the salon frequented by La Roux) they are unfailingly down-to-earth and helpful. Qualms over a change of hair colour were dispelled after a lengthy chat with the patient colourist – and a glass of bubbly from the salon’s cocktail bar. Prices start at £42 for a cut and blow dry and £78 for half a head of colour. The final result was a deep, rich colour, incredible gloss, and a mane worth swishing.
Taylor Taylor, 137 Commercial St E1 6BJ (7377 2737/www.taylortaylorlondon.com). Liverpool Street tube/rail. 10am-8pm Mon-Weds; noon-9pm Thurs; 10am-7pm Fri; 10am-6pm Sat, Sun.

See image gallery of our photoshoot with everyone's favourite Austrian fashion guru.

You had the British premiere of your film here in London. What does the city mean to you?
‘Ich love London, it gave ze vorld so much – ze bowler hat, ze black cab, ze Beatles. Ich had hoped to meet Prince Harry, because I’ve heard he’s a slut. According to mein friend Gerhardt Shvettering, he’ll stick it anywhere.’

How does it feel to be a global movie star?
‘It’s amazing. Ich feel I have a lot in common mit Jesus und Gandhi. We’re basically messiahs mit millions of fans and all three of us look AMAZING in just our unterpants.’

Your film opens just in time for the summer holidays. What do you remember most fondly from your schooldays?
‘Mein most favourite memory from mein schooldays ist sending ein scheisse in ein box to mein games teacher for saying zat ich ran like ein fairy. Ich alzo remember being gay-bashed – mainly by ze other gay kids.’

And what would you rather forget?
‘Ze fact zat ich had filled out “sender’s address” vhen ich sent ein scheisse in ein box to mein games teacher.’

Summer’s here. Have you ever had a holiday romance? Tell us all about it.
‘Ich have had many holiday romances. Ich recently spent ein month on Mykonos, vere ich averaged two holiday romances a day. My current relationship started on a holiday. Mein boyfriend is a genuine Pygmy called Diesel. I met him in French Polynesia where he was working as an oilboy at the spatel I was staying at. Within 20 minutes he’d stolen my heart, my wallet and the contents of my kugelsack.’

What are your plans for this summer?
‘Ich vill continue vith mein charity vork. In Austria last year on St Adolph’s Day, my show, ‘Funkyzeit’ paid for one hundred vorthless beggars to get zeir teeth vhitened und ve’re currently raising money to send Sammy Casalli – ze stylist of der Pussycat Dolls – to an African village to give one lucky girl a super-sexy makeover! Ich alzo vant to raise avareness of child labour. A lot of ze children are getting organised into unions. It’s forcing ze prices right up. Ich think zey should move zere sveatshops to Osterreich – ze children here are used to being chained up in basements for years on end.’

Read our review of ‘Brüno’ here