Shopping

Abercrombie and Fitch
2/6
When Wednesday, 1.55pm.
Vibe Like a Chelsea youth club, it was stuffed with Sloaney teenagers on this half-term visit. The queue for the changing rooms took ten minutes – which included an ill-timed interval when a cleaner came to sort things out.
Lighting Very dimly lit.
Mirrors Full-length, quite dark and not very flattering.
Staff Seemingly more concerned with their own appearance than customers’ needs. I asked a staff member for another size, but she could barely hear because the music was too loud.
Verdict Superficially glamorous, but customer service seriously lacks polish.
Abercrombie and Fitch, 7 Burlington Gardens, W1 (0844 412 5750/www.abercrombie.co.uk) Piccadilly Circus tube. Mon-Sat 10am-7pm, Sun 12noon-6pm. Feature continues

Absolute Vintage
2/5
When Saturday, 1pm.
Vibe Depressingly frugal: notable for its unfinished paintwork, a grubby Ikea-like shower curtain and a threadbare bath mat.
Lighting Fluorescent strip lights.
Mirrors Strangely flattering, but only one, so difficult to get that essential – if not always as flattering – back view.
Staff What staff? They might have existed but they blurred with the customers into one great swarm of international fashion students.
Verdict A good spring clean is needed: doing the changing rooms up as shower cubicles is ill conceived. Poor presentation of clothes and lacklustre assistance is reflected in this dingy changing area.
Absolute Vintage, 15 Hanbury St, E1 (020 7247 3883/www.absolutevintage.co.uk) Aldgate East tube, Liverpool St tube/rail. Mon-Sat 12noon-7pm, Sun 11am-7pm.

Agent Provocateur

BEST
Agent Provocateur
6/6
When Tuesday, late morning.
Vibe Understated female sophistication. Changing room curtains are thick, heavy and drape right down to the ground.
Lighting Muted, even on the dim side. No garish fluorescent lights here.
Mirrors They’re full-length and lit flatteringly – in other words, cellulite and other imperfections seem to be evened out rather than highlighted with unforgiving shadows.
Staff Knowledgeable and helpful without being intrusive and pushy. The staff-to-customer ratio is almost equal on a quiet morning. Only one member of staff will greet and approach you, before looking after you exclusively – which means asking you if you like what you’re trying on and offering to fetch alternatives – you don’t feel ambushed.
Verdict Given the likelihood of shy female customers and clueless male customers who might need a fortifying pint before entering, the staff are key to the appeal of this shop and its changing rooms – being just the right blend of charming and disarming.
Agent Provocateur, 305 Westbourne Grove, W11 (020 7243 1292/www.agentprovocateur.com) Notting Hill Gate tube. Open Mon-Fri 10am-6pm, Sat 10am-6.30pm.

American Apparel
3/6
When Friday, 11.30am.
Vibe The medium-sized cubicle has an urban aesthetic, clinical white walls and a black lacquer bench. Photos from the spring/summer ’08 campaign help soften the look.
Lighting Bright but flattering.
Mirrors One, large, on the back wall.
Staff Quick to help and amenable to most demands.
Verdict Functional and clean in accordance with the nature of the brand. Kudos for having a disabled changing room, which is shockingly rare in the West End.
American Apparel, 142-146 Oxford St, W1 (020 7631 1792/www.americanapparel.net) Tottenham Court Rd tube. Open Mon-Sat 10am-8pm,
Sun 12noon-6pm.

OVERALL RUNNER UP
Browns
5/6
When Friday, 3.05pm.
Vibe An oasis of calm after the bustle of Oxford Street. Cubicles are luxurious and resplendent with glamorous red leather stools and glossy dark walls. Ambient lounge music helps calm frazzled nerves.
Lighting Flattering.
Mirrors Three large mirrors (one flat, two hinged) mean it’s possible to see a fabulous frock from every angle.
Staff Excellent – the epitome of helpfulness. Helped this critic into a stunning Versace evening dress, then ran to get me a pair of Louboutin heels so I could get a better overall picture.
Verdict What the shopping experience should be like. If only I could afford to shop here all the time.
Browns, 24-27 South Molton St, W1 (020 7524 0016/www.brownsfashion.com) Bond St tube. Mon-Sat 10am-6.30pm, Thur 10am-7pm.

Cloud Cuckoo Land
3/6
When Saturday, 4pm.
Vibe Chintzy, with old magazine pics laminated on the floor, and nowt but a gauzy layer between a shopper and their fellow customers.
Lighting Rudimentary lamp, which gives a flattering, muted effect.
Mirrors Single front mirror that, combined with dim lighting, is dangerously kind to the form.
Staff Charming lady who was happy to let this critic potter about and chat.
Verdict Transparent curtains (surely a little pointless?) and the clothes hooks positioned above the single mirror mean that your reflection is completely concealed when you hang anything up. So not exactly perfect – though the enchanting atmosphere, pretty clothes and good service do a lot to make up for any changing-room shortcomings.
Cloud Cuckoo Land, 6 Charlton Place, N1 (020 7354 3141) Angel tube. Tue-Sat 11am-5.30pm.

Dover Street Market
3/6
When Wednesday, 2.35pm.
Vibe Painfully avant-garde: DSM is populated by bright red lacquered portable loos housing tiny wooden chairs, and not a toilet bowl in sight.
Lighting The cheap overhead light fitting looks out of place in one of London’s most innovative stores – it’s best to do your posing outside the loo.
Mirrors One full-length and one porthole-sized mirror.
Staff Don’t let the twitchy security guards or the club-kid receptionist put you off. On this visit, the sales staff were friendly and helpful, fetching different sizes and similar styles.
Verdict A clever concept with friendly staff but a little discomfort. Still, what do you expect getting changed in a toilet?
Dover Street Market, 17-18 Dover St, W1 (020 7518 0680) Green Park tube. Open Mon-Sat 10am-6pm, Thur till 7pm.

BEST MIRRORS AND LIGHTING
Frost French
5/6
When Saturday, 5pm.
Vibe Quirky but decadent, with London maps as wallpaper, super-luxe carpets and thick, nicely draped curtains.
Lighting Perfect. Flattering but not misleading, from spotlights and lamps.
Mirrors Full marks – a whopping floor-to-ceiling job to the front and an angled face-height mirror to the back. Plus, a very helpful rail for the armfuls of clothes gathered should you indulge in a supermarket sweep of the shop.
Staff Despite being as beautiful as sirens, in person they were unintimidating and helpful.
Verdict A lesson in how it should be done. Not vast, but big enough to twirl about in, a nice comfy stool, great mirrors and cool decor. A narcissist’s dream room.
Frost French, 22-26 Camden Passage, N1 (020 7354 0053) Angel tube. Mon-Sat 10am-7pm, Sun 12noon-6pm.

Gap
5/6
When Friday, 1pm.
Vibe Laidback even though it was busy. Red cubicle, generous in size, with large bench. Black carpet could have used a vacuum, though.
Lighting Good.
Mirrors One.
Staff Excellent – when this writer pressed the ‘service’ button, and asked for some wide-leg, high-waist jeans, the lady came back with six pairs. She also told me I could go down a size.
Verdict One of the best on the high street with good wheelchair access and an American service-led attitude.
Gap, 223-225 Oxford St, W1 (020 7734 3312/www.gap.com) Oxford Circus tube. Open Mon-Wed 10am-8pm, Thur-Fri 10am-9pm, Sat 10am-8pm, Sun 12noon-6pm.

H&M
2/6
When Friday, 12.10pm.
Vibe The medium-sized, generic-looking cubicle is rather chilly for stripping off.
Lighting Good.
Mirrors One large mirror on the back wall and one smaller angled mirror made it easier to see the outfit from different viewpoints.
Staff They were having a good gossip when I approached, but stopped immediately and showed me to an empty room.
Verdict Bearable.
H&M, 174-176 Oxford St, W1 (020 7612 1820/www.hm.com) Oxford Circus tube. Open Mon-Wed 10am-8pm, Thur 10am-9pm, Fri-Sat 10am-8pm, Sun 12noon-6pm.

Levi’s
3/6
When Friday, 1.45pm.
Vibe Cosy verging on cramped. You stand on a small leather circle and close the red, waxed cotton curtain. Nowhere to hang the clothes.
Lighting The overhead bulb hung very low – which means your hair is well lit, but the lower half’s in shadow.
Mirrors One small one on back wall, one hinged.
Staff Refreshingly honest. Commented that this critic’s jeans ‘looked a bit tight’, which after initial embarrassment I agreed with. Said goodbye with a friendly ‘have a good afternoon’.
Verdict They’ve done the best they can with the lack of space, though it’s definitely hard to wriggle into jeans in such a small area – and the lack of solid walls makes balancing difficult.
Levi’s, 174-176 Regent St, W1 (020 7292 2500/www.levi.co.uk) Oxford Circus tube. Open Mon-Wed 10am-7pm, Thur 10am-8pm, Fri-Sat 10am-7pm, Sun 12noon-6pm.

Liberty, men’s formalwear
4/6
When Saturday, 3.15pm.
Vibe A curtained boudoir larger than most people’s flats, with a squishy regal armchair, banquette and retro ceramic nick-nacks .
Lighting Although gloomy in corners, the mirror is unforgivingly bright, a stark reminder of how expensive men’s formalwear can be: a Lanvin silk suit weighs in at almost £1,200.
Mirrors Three large angled mirrors leave nothing to the imagination.
Staff Very friendly and attentive, fetching countless shoes, shirts and ties to match each suit. Curiously expensive ones, though.
Verdict Worn-down luxury but with refreshingly unrushed and traditional department-store service.
Liberty, Great Marlborough St, W1 (020 7734 1234/www.liberty.co.uk) Oxford Circus tube. Open Mon-Wed 10am-8pm, Thur 10am-9pm, Fri 10am-8pm, Sat 10am-7pm, Sun 12noon-6pm.

Luella

Luella
4/6
When Friday, 3.40pm.
Vibe A small, stickered school chair in the corner and a cool stag’s head coat-hook on the mirror. Overall, clean and well maintained.
Lighting Natural light from one end of the room, but quite yellowy once the curtains are drawn.
Mirrors One full-length mirror in the changing room and another just outside for a good back view. The coat hook is pointlessly located in the middle of the mirror, forcing this critic to pose in front of the outside one under the glare of the sales staff.
Staff A female staff member was too busy chatting to a friend to be of any assistance; instead of getting what I needed she just pointed to the rail. Another male staff member was very helpful and went to look for another size.
Verdict Nicely decorated changing rooms, but they need to work on the erratic customer service.
Luella, 25 Brook St, W1 (020 7518 1830/www.luella.com) Oxford Circus tube. Open Mon-Sat 10am-6pm, Thur till 7pm.

WORST
Next
1/6
When Friday, 12.30pm.
Vibe Unpleasant interior design – hideous, sea-green carpet (which could have benefited from a vacuum) teamed with offensive lime-green curtain and pale lilac walls. On the plus side, the room was a decent size.
Lighting Adequate.
Mirrors One big one on the back wall, two angled.
Staff As this critic approached the changing rooms, one member of staff was enjoying a clinch with her boyfriend. On the plus side, when I pressed the ‘service’ button a more helpful assistant was quick to return with another size.
Verdict Not an enjoyable experience.
Next, 201-203 Oxford St, W1 (020 7434 0477/www.next.co.uk) Oxford Circus tube. Open Mon-Wed, Fri 10am-8.30pm, Thur 10am-9pm, Sat 10am-8pm, Sun 12noon-6pm.

Paul & Joe, Sloane Street

Paul & Joe, Sloane Street
5/6
When Friday, 11am.
Vibe Lusty, ’60s-style Parisian boudoir edited for Sloane Street tastes over four rooms with antique dressing table, old postcards and a saucy ‘Diana Dors in 3D’ vintage mag.
Lighting Natural light in two and warm lighting in the others.
Mirrors A beautiful, mottled, antique mirror in one room and a skinny-fying full-length one in another.
Staff Attentive and laidback.
Verdict Well-dressed, simple and atmospheric. Parisian chic with British reserve.
Paul & Joe, 134 Sloane St, SW1 (020 78524 8844/www.paulandjoe.com) Sloane Square tube. Open Mon, Tue, Thur-Sat 10am-6pm, Wed 10am-7pm, Sun 12noon-5pm.

Products of CP Company and Stone Island
4/6
When Thursday, 3pm.
Vibe Ultra-minimal concept store, art gallery-bright and private: two small white cells with steel benches, accessed through a tiny doorway.
Lighting Cold, but flattering and, most importantly, all natural – lit from glass blocks in the street above.
Mirrors Full-length but shared with the other changing room.
Staff For sales staff in one of London’s most austere-looking menswear stores, staff were exceptionally friendly, offering different sizes, colours and advice.
Verdict Solitary confinement: completely utilitarian, but a couple more mirrors and a nod to customer comfort might not go amiss.
Products of CP Company and Stone Island, 46 Beak St, W1 (020 7287 7734/www.stoneisland.com) Oxford Circus tube. Open Mon-Sat 10am-6pm, Thur till 7pm.

Selfridges lingerie department
4/6
When Saturday, 2pm.
Vibe Big, busy and only slightly more luxurious than the other changing rooms throughout the store due to some pale carpets and diffused lighting. There’s an organised system where the assistants tell you exactly which cubicle to go in and, handily, you can try up to six items.
Lighting Muted.
Mirrors Despite the reasonable lighting, the mirrors are off-puttingly unflattering.
Staff Polite and efficient but slightly impersonal. They tend to leave you to your own devices unless you ask for help.
Verdict Not bad but could be a lot better – the main problems are lack of personal attention and dodgy mirrors.
Selfridges, 400 Oxford St, W1 (0870 837 7377/www.selfridges.com) Bond St tube. Open Mon-Fri 10am-8pm, Sat 9.30am-8pm, Sun 12noon-6pm.

Topshop
3/6
When Friday, 1.25pm.
Vibe Busy, this critic had to queue for ten minutes to get in. Clean stone floor but no bench and the walls could do with a lick of paint.
Lighting Good.
Mirrors One, good size.
Staff Flustered – when I pressed the ‘service’ button they looked harassed and begrudgingly got me another size.
Verdict Smart, but not as individual as you would hope from Topshop’s flagship. A seat of some sort and an angled mirror would help elevate it from functional to special.
Topshop, 216 Oxford St, W1 (020 7636 7700/www.topshop.com) Oxford Circus tube. Open Mon-Fri 9am-10pm, Sat 9am-9pm, Sun 11.30am-6pm.

Uniqlo
2/6
When Friday, 11.50am.
Vibe The small cubicle was very basic with scuffed paint, a cut-price curtain and no bench to sit on. The unerringly upbeat electro soundtrack began to grate after about five minutes.
Lighting Yellow – this critic resembled a character from ‘The Simpsons’.
Mirrors One.
Staff Friendly smiles all round.
Verdict Cheap and cheerful, much like Uniqlo itself.
Uniqlo, 311 Oxford St, W1 (020 7290 7701/www.uniqlo.co.uk) Tottenham Court Rd tube. Open Mon-Wed 10am-8pm, Thur-Sat 10am-9pm, Sun 12noon-6pm.

Vivienne Westwood

BEST CUSTOMER SERVICE
Vivienne Westwood
5/6
When Wednesday, 2.15pm.
Vibe A rather grand-looking armchair upholstered in Viv’s monogram fabric dominates each small room, but the framed archive posters and (faux?) cow horn coat- hooks are a nice touch.
Lighting Overhead only, but subtler and more flattering in the carpeted ‘posing area’ outside.
Mirrors None! But the full-length mirror outside the changing rooms is propped up against a fireplace – cut from the same stone as Stonehenge, apparently.
Staff Friendly, laidback and naturally obsessed with Westwood. Not at all the imposing sales monsters you might expect.
Verdict Smart but quirky. Way above average, but after the store’s current renovations there might be further improvement.
Vivienne Westwood, 44 Conduit St, W1 (020 7439 1109/www.viviennewestwood.com) Oxford Circus tube. Open Mon-Sat 10am-6pm, Thur till 7pm.