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Mars Bar

8pm
Siberia and Mars Bar

The sun’s down, there’s blood on your hands, and shit’s getting way too intense. You need a drink. Good thing you’re near Siberia (356 W 40th St at Ninth Ave, 212-333-4141). There’s a  motorcycle parked inside the bar that isn’t decoration—it’s furniture. “People have had sex on that bike more than once,”says owner Tracy Westmoreland, who can point to other places in his dingy establishment where wasted patrons have done the deed. If this multilevel dungeon has ever been cleaned, there is no sign of it now. The same could be said when you head downtown to Mars Bar (25 E 1st St at Second Ave, 212-473-9842), where regulars know not to leave any coins on the bar, lest they become stuck there forever. One complaint: It needs more hot sex. Hence our next stop.

Midnight
Pussycat Lounge

Part urban strip joint, part divey rock/cabaret venue, the Pussycat Lounge (96 Greenwich St between Carlisle and Rector Sts, 212-349-4800) is three floors of throwback New York sleaze (the well-guarded doors first swung open in 1969). The main floor is dank, narrow and lined with a wall of mirrors and ratty sofas—the perfect perch for settling in for the show, or further developing the friendship you just made in one of the private lounges. The dancers ($20 for a lap dance) are more vintage Debbie Harry than Jessica Simpson. Invite one along for the rest of the night’s journey.

2am
Cordato’s Bodega Bar

After Pussycat, skulk into the back of this deli–pizza parlor (94 1/2 Greenwich St between Carlisle and Rector Sts, 212-233-1573), where a glowing Michelob Ultra clock illuminates a plain door. Behind it, a mix of traders, hip-hop heads and Ground Zero carpenters score $10 lap dances from Pussycat moonlighters. It’s worth a stop, and soon: Word is, this block may be demolished to make room for a high-rise hotel.

4am
Gray’s Papaya

Those six shots of Old Crow are taking a toll, and you need a snack. Hoof it uptown for cheap dogs and even cheaper entertainment courtesy of the rowdy drunks, panhandling pros and “bridge-and-tunnel” thugs gathered at the Hell’s Kitchen location of Gray’s Papaya (539 Eighth Ave at 37th St, 212-904-1588). “We’ve had people hurl an entire trash can at us behind the counter,” says Flor Beo, the location’s night manager for the past five years. According to Beo, 4am is the most dangerous time to grab a piping-hot tube steak, and anything can happen, including fistfights, robberies and the occasional celebrity sighting. “Queen Latifah likes to come here very late,” Beo says. “She always brings her two huge bodyguards with her to the counter. There is obviously a reason for that.”

5am
Elk Hotel

Time to grab a few fitful hours of shut-eye at the Elk (360 W 42nd St between Eighth and Ninth Aves, 212-563-2864). Just west of the TRL hordes and flocking tourists, the hotel—with its communal bathrooms, spartan rooms and dingy halls—offers a decent place to crash. Just slip $50 to the dude behind the glass and you’ve got yourself a bed, a sink and four close walls to do…whatever it is you can’t do at home.

Troma Studios

Noon
Troma Studios tour

You wake up in a cold sweat. After a stiff eye-opener, you make your way here. The free 20-minute tour of this B-movie factory (733 Ninth Ave between 49th and 50th Sts; e-mail tourguide@troma.com to make a reservation) is just like their low-budget products: quick and cheap. The 33-year-old home of The Toxic Avenger doesn’t boast a soundstage, but has three floors packed with props, like a photo of O.J. Simpson clutching a cock from the upcoming Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead. The final “stop” is founder Lloyd Kaufman’s office, where Avenger memorabilia vies for room with pictures of Troma alums Samuel L. Jackson and Marisa Tomei. And if you’re lucky: gratuitous nudity. “Sometimes we film scenes on the roof,” explains a staffer. “And, well, the female extras get hot.”

1pm
Eisenberg’s Sandwich Shop

Need. Food. This überskinny luncheonette (174 Fifth Ave between 22nd and 23rd Sts, 212-675-5096) is vintage 1929, but the grime-streaked windows and swivel stools remind us of the 1970s—a pre-chain-restaurant era when diners had New York character. The eat-hole is famous for chopped liver, old-fashioned chocolate egg creams and the “best tuna salad in town.” Park yourself at the counter and get served a sandwich straight-up with lettuce, tomato, sour pickles and attitude.

3pm
Allan & Suzi

You’re going out tonight and you gotta look good—like, My Hustler good. You need clothes. Get your pimp on at Allan & Suzi (416 Amsterdam Ave at 80th St, 212-724-7445), the self-proclaimed Home of Retro Fashion. More useful than Ricky’s (but just as goofy), they carry feather boas, gold lamé and chunky platform boots—the kind that go up to the knee. In need of oversize glittery sunglasses? A righteous wig? A bitch to smack? This is the place for those first two.

Vampire Cowboys Theatre Company

8pm
Jell-O Wrestling or Vampire Cowboys

Finally, wind up the 24 hours with a little high-class culture. Catch hot girl-on-girl action once a month (next time: April 22) at Amateur Female Jell-O Wrestling at Don Hill’s (511 Greenwich St at Spring St, 212-219-2850), as nubile lasses pull hair, slam bodies and slosh around in the sticky stuff. For more sex with less mess, check out the Vampire Cowboys Theatre Company (48 W 21st St between Fifth and Sixth Aves, 212-352-3101), who mash up violence, religion and other taboos with pop culture—witness the troupe’s latest, a luchador-meets–Sam Shepard superhero spoof called Men of Steel. “A lot of our stuff has been inspired by Quentin Tarantino,” says co–artistic director Qui Nguyen. “We like watching blood fly around.”

Reporting by Paul Katz, Ethan LaCroix, Laura Leu, Elise Nersesian, Matt Rodbard, Alison Rosen and Justin Rocket Silverman