There are about 73,082 love guides out there and all are not created equal. In fact, some were created downright dumb (actual advice in one: “Tell him your name.”) Sigh. It’s shit like this that brings the genre down. The following are the best of the best—classics. Read these, commit them to memory, then invite me to your wedding.

Think Like a Guy
by Giuliana DePandi, 2006

The cover’s awful, and yeah, I judge on that. But get beyond it fast, because DePandi—like most men—doesn’t do bullshit. You may not like her advice (“Don’t Obsess over Babies & Puppies”), but you’ll have to admit it’s really on point. This book is fast, brutally honest and the easiest way to get inside a guy’s head short of watching a Pauly Shore movie while high. Oh yeah, and it works: DePandi got married last week to that guy from The Apprentice.

Highlight this shit:

“Guys are naturally evasive, and they’re attracted to evasive girls.”

“The line between sweet and psycho is very thin, and the majority of sappy note writers are totally oblivious to which side they’re on.”

“Don’t Nag Him to Validate Your Relationship…First, you annoy him, and second, you remind him that you’re insecure and needy, much like a child.”

He’s Just Not That Into You
by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, 2005

Its just been announced that they’re making this into a movie, which encouraged me to give it a second read, even though its thesis could be scribbled on a Post-it: If in doubt, uh, he’s just not that into you. “Assume rejection first,” the authors say on page 3. Okay, then! But apparently women have 162 pages of excuses. At least! So they spell it out again and again. As they conclude at the end, “You are exceptional, but not the exception!” And yeah, they’re right.

Highlight this shit:

“‘Busy’ is another word for ‘asshole.’ ‘Asshole’ is another word for the guy you’re dating.…Men are never too busy to get what they want.”

“When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you’d like us to be.”

“The whole ‘I don’t want to ruin the friendship’ excuse is a racket. Unfortunately…that excuse has never ever been used by someone who actually means it.”

The Rules
by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, 1997

Oh, I know, I know—the cliché of it all! But I think of The Rules the way I think of grammar. You have to learn the Rules—and the spirit behind them—before you break them. You need to look for the underlying point: When they say, “Don’t accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday,” they mean that if he cares about you, he’ll plan in advance. There’s a reason this is still a best-seller.

Highlight this shit:

“Be a ‘Creature Unlike Any Other’…it’s an attitude, a sense of confidence and radiance. You don’t grovel. You’re not desperate or anxious. You don’t date men who don’t want you. You don’t settle. You don’t chase anyone. You don’t use sex to make men love you. You’re not cynical. You’re an optimist.”

“Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls…Men love a challenge. The worst thing you can do is make it easy for them. Give him space, wait for him to call.”

Runners-up

Sex & the Single Girl
by Helen Gurley Brown, 1963
It’s beyond classic: It’s superclassic. Read it and be impressed. Then realize it was written in the ’60s. Then be really impressed. When you’re finished, take the advice, watch it work and be really, really impressed. Then realize the author founded Cosmo, of the “eat a donut off your man’s package to spice up your love life” infamy and be really, really, really impressed.

The MANual
by Steve Santagati, 2007
A well-written dating guide by a hot self-professed “player” (okay, okay, ladies’ man), MANual runs a little long, but there’s a lot to cover. It’s worth the 20 bucks to hear it straight from the ass’s mouth.

Sperm Are from Men, Eggs Are from Women
by Joe Quirk, 2006
It’s the most brilliant biological explanation of dating ever (“Nothing turns on a woman like a robust immune system”). You’ll finally understand why our species is so crazy.

E-mail her at julia@timeoutny.com.