Can we expect a big party?

It’s a catch-22. After my shows, everyone’s like, “Let’s do shots!” But the next day I gotta do two more shows. So the next people say, “Yeah, I saw Nick—he was really hungover.”

But you owe the people a good time.

Yeah, yeah. I know.

I can’t believe you started in improv.

I was 16. And I actually looked down on stand-up.

Most improvisers do.

After my stand-up took off, my improv group would be like, [Sarcastically] “Oh, hey Nick—don’t you have a stand-up gig?” It was so stupid.

What would you be doing now if you’d gone to college instead of pursuing comedy?

I’d be really good at being homeless; I’d have a well-decorated box. I don’t know…I always assumed I’d either be a teacher or a cop, which makes no sense. I’m the biggest pussy. I’d just mace people and scream.

You’re involved in a lot of projects. How do you keep ideas separate?

I have this memo thing on my phone that’s packed with horrible ideas, immature jokes. I used to have one of those 99-cent notebooks. I actually got pulled over once; the cop was looking for drugs and was like, “What’s this?” And I said, “It’s my comedy notebook; I’m a comedian.” He started going through it—and made me tell him the jokes. Finally, he turned to his partner and goes, “What should we do?” And the guy’s like, “He’s a fucking comedian, who cares?”

Yeah, you can get out of anything by admitting you’re a comic. Speaking of drugs, why did you quit?

I had to go to rehab. I’d gotten expelled from high school four times, so that was kind of a red flag. Everyone else in school was just starting when I bottomed out. But I still drink, like, a ton. I love drinking.

I saw a clip of your toddler nephew doing your material on YouTube.

My sister’s retarded. I mean, come on!

You don’t like it?

I just don’t want him to get beat up or anything. Plus, he does it way better. How embarrassing.

You do a lot of gay characters. Is there anything you’d like to admit?

It literally just snowballed. It was just a random choice for the Reno 911 character, and then the show became a huge hit and a movie. Then Art School Confidential all of a sudden got greenlit, and I was doing Scotty Kangaroojus on The Showbiz Show—but you’ll never see him again.

Why?

I don’t want to do any more gay characters. I just don’t want to repeat myself. I don’t want my MySpace clips to all be like, “Heeey, guuuys!”

For someone who throws around the word retarded with relish, it doesn’t seem that you’d be worried about offending people.

No, it’s really just a personal, creative choice. None of my characters are gay anymore…except for in Chuck and Larry, where I’ll be playing Jessica Biel’s gay brother.

And in Gay Robot.

Yeah, but he’s more robotic than gay.

Nick Swardson performs Thu 21–Sat 23. See Stand-up clubs.