Telerotica

What is it?
Dirty, whispery and sometimes orgasmic nothings exchanged via the telephone, often for commercial gain.

How do I get started?
Miranda Austin’s Phone Sex: Aural Thrills and Oral Skills and SIR Productions’ Talk to Me Baby DVD are both fine resources, but to really hone your kittenish croak, you must dial the professionals. Avoid lines that advertise on Jerry, Ricki or Judge Judy, and seek one that is congruous with your kinks (BBWs, Asian, fursuits, etc.).

What are the risks?
Debt, should you take out a second mortgage to offset the mounting phone bills. Divorce, should your wife or husband find out.

Insider tip
“Turn off your call-waiting and put on something that makes you feel sexy,” advises local erotic writer Rachel Kramer Bussel. “Tell the other person exactly what you want to do to them. Let them into your erotic mind.”

A threesome

What is it?
Whether it’s a spontaneous trio or a couple-plus-one, three’s a crowd that everyone seems to fantasize about.

How do I get started?
Blogger and polyamory expert Tom Paine (perverselypoly.blogspot.com) recommends sites like swinglifestyle.com, swappernet.com and chemistry-nyc.com (the latter is holding a “sensual party” in Brooklyn on Oct 12). Swingers parties, where you’re likely to meet a third (and/or second and third), cost between $60 and $200 per couple for an evening. Or, recruit your best friend’s sister for free.

What are the risks?
“It’s emotional dynamite,” says Paine. “I know numerous people who thought they could handle it and couldn’t, and others who were nervous but turned out fine.”

Insider tip
Learn your terms: An MMF (male/male/female) trio indicates that the guys are interested in hooking up, while in an MFM situation, the males don’t have any sexual interaction. Says Paine: “The person in the middle of the acronym serves as the hinge.”

Vaginal fisting

What is it?
The cautious insertion of the entire hand, including knuckles and wrist, into the vagina. Anal fisting is also popular.

How do I get started?
Read Deborah Addington’s A Hand in the Bush, rent some hot dyke porn from Blowfish (blowfishvideo.com), and buy latex gloves and a water-based lubricant in a pump bottle. To bond with fellow fisters and fistees, check out the monthly Submit party (A Hand in the Bush, rent some hot dyke porn from Blowfish (submitparty.com) for women and transfolk, or join the Lesbian Sex Mafia (lesbiansexmafia.org).

What are the risks?
Torn or punctured muscles, a bruised cervix and even sterility. If you go anal, rectal or colonic infection is worrisome.

Insider tip
“Go slow, slow, slow and use lots of lube,” says Sinclair Sexsmith, a Bed-Stuy-based sex blogger and femme fister with seven years’ experience. “It’s gonna be messy. Just put a towel down and get over it.”

Water sports

What is it?
Golden-shower aficionados may be oft mocked, but they abound. They enjoy getting peed on and/or peeing on a partner. What up, R. Kelly?

How do I get started?
Buy pisser vids at midtown’s Kinematics and invest in waterproof bedding; NYC’s mindfetish.com sells latex duvets and full sheet sets starting around $2,000. Stick to an organic diet and drink plenty of fluids (beer, pineapple juice and green tea are especially recommended). Avoid asparagus.

What are the risks?
Pee is cleaner than spit, but not entirely sterile. Though rare, urine can carry STDs; don’t pee onto broken skin or into a mouth full of sores.

Insider tip
“U.S. porn tends to be a male top humiliating a slutty little girl,” says TES’s Boymeat. “The Germans get it right. The piss is flowing and they’re just pigging out, having a good time.”