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Published at 11:06am
Published on 5/14/08
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Pork-and-crab soup dumplings at Grand Sichuan 
Five years ago, before I started keeping kosher, I used to eat in places like Grand Sichuan—your friendly neighborhood Chinese joint. But then I converted, and now I realize it’s the pork-slinging nexus of evil. The six dumplings here look like springy mini volcanoes, with steam spiraling out of the top. One poke and soup spills out, trailing minced pork and crab—and more steam, which triggers the gag reflex in my throat. It’s not that it stinks—it’s sharp but nicely piquant. It just smells wrong. 229 Ninth Ave at 24th St (212-620-5200). $4.75.
Kreuz Market sausages at Hill Country 
At this BBQ restaurant, an aproned dude gives you a choice—ribs, pork chop, etc. You want the Kreuz sausage, a ⅓-pound hand-tied beast. Just piercing the sweaty casing with a plastic fork reminded me of that porky snap I’ll never again feel between my teeth. What if I downed one and watched the game with the other joes here? No! Keeping kosher is about separating yourself, making one aware of one’s choices. Also, I don’t understand football. 30 W 26th St between Broadway and Sixth Ave (212-255-4544). $5.25.
Lard bread at G. Esposito and Sons 
This one was tough because it looks like an innocent loaf of bread, crusty on the outside, soft on the inside. But baked in are chunks of prosciutto, salami, cheeses and pepperoni. Watching coworkers “guuuhhh” after each bite, I realized Jews don’t have a similar decadent pleasure—unless you count serving white challah instead of whole wheat. 357 Court St between President and Union Sts, Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn (718-875-6863). $4 a loaf.
Peel noodles with pork dumplings at Sheng Wang
In the downstairs of an unmarked, poorly lit shoebox, 11 Chinese men have their heads down, slurping out of white bowls. I fit right in. Swimming in a salty-smelling broth, the peel noodles are long and flat, snaking under inch-thick dumplings, which float on the top. It’s like matzo ball soup, except the balls aren’t matzo, they’re pig. Still, the warmth I inhale gives me the same comfort. 27 Eldridge St between Berry and Canal Sts, downstairs (212-925-0805). $4.
The Picante sandwich at Despaña Brand Foods 
The first thing I notice in this Spanish shop is the real-life pig leg gripped in a vise, its split hoof facing heaven, while an employee shaves wet meat right off the bone. The Picante sandwich is no less dangerous: Stuffed with chorizo, paprika, Mahón cheese, Basque guindilla peppers, tomatoes and aioli and served warm, this thing wants to be experienced. And everyone in the store is eating it. Half of me wishes the suckers good luck (in hell! not that Jews believe in hell...), while the other half thinks, I kinda want to be them. Yet walking out—without giving in!—I’m glad I’m me. I miss out on so much but gain focus (religious and otherwise) mastering any temptations. Now who’s up for some sweet-ass Hebrew Nationals? 408 Broome St between Centre and Lafayette Sts (212-219-5050). $8.50. View recipe
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