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Published at 3:44pm
Published on 5/15/08
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I was raised in an Orthodox Jewish household. We observed all the laws strictly, so I went to synagogue every week, kept a kosher home, only ate in kosher restaurants, kept all the holidays, learned about the laws in school. I was Orthodox through college and after college, when I lived on the Upper West Side, went to an Orthodox shul and my whole social network was Orthodox. And then, one day, I got frustrated.
Even in high school and college I considered myself an Orthodox feminist, so I was already struggling with issues of women’s participation—they’re not allowed to read from the Torah or lead services. I was already feeling like, Why is this such a struggle? I just wanted to do something more egalitarian, and I found a Conservative group called Hadar where women were leading the service. So I became really involved. And I was superreligious. And supercommitted. And I felt it.
But then I moved to Brooklyn, and the community was very different. There wasn’t this huge modern community waiting for me. It was much less intense. Most people here don’t keep Shabbat but do Shabbat dinner every so often and aren’t observant—I’d go to Shabbes lunch and realize, Oh, this food was just cooked. I was like, Don’t they know you’re not supposed to cook on Shabbes? I was sheltered.
But I did give in. At one point, there was a dinner like that and it was just me. I said, I’m gonna eat this food. And I ate it. And nothing happened.Doing that for a year wore me down. I had a crisis of faith. I felt like, Do I really believe in all this? Am I doing this because I believe in God, or why? Organized religion is a convention that people use to make life easier, and it works. It’s a lovely thing to be able to follow these very intricate laws, and say, Wow, I’m really good at this. And I was good at it. But if I’m 30 and I’ve never had a piece of shrimp—is that really how I want to live the rest of my life?
So one Saturday morning, I went to the Botanical Gardens with my sister who doesn’t keep Shabbes. It was a beautiful day in May. And I remember thinking, Wow, Saturday is another whole day! You don’t only have to go to shul or sleep late and stay at home—you can do other stuff! And that was a huge epiphany. I went to California that summer. And that summer, I had a nonkosher steak taco on the side of the highway.
That was different—I was very nervous, and I ordered very nervously. And I sat at this picnic table on the side of the highway, and the guy to my right was eating a steak taco, and the guy to my left was eating the same thing, and I thought, I am a person. I am a regular human being. I am no longer a “Jew.” And it was so liberating.
I’m very pleased and content with my life now. The weird thing is I teach at a Jewish school, so ironically it’s part of my everyday life—I’m forced to know what day of Hanukkah it is, and I’ll tutor bar mitzvah kids, but it’s a professional obligation. I just had a BLT for the first time. Bacon’s delish. At this really fancy restaurant, I had suckling pig. [Laughs] But I mean, is it wrong? I want to figure it out on my own.
—As told to MF
* Writer's name has been changed.
How to detox yourself
Agree? Appalled? Drop us a line—letters@timeoutny.com—and tell us what you think about “detoxing” from religion. ln the meantime, we’ll clue you in on Hadar, a group that’s trying “to create a community for Jews on the Upper West Side”—no matter what their stripe. “Our focus is on traditional, egalitarian prayer, learning and social action, so there are different ways to engage,” says organizer Lisa Exler.
Services are in Hebrew, but you’ll find translated text. Approximately 60 percent of attendees come from a Conservative background, 20 percent Orthodox, 12 percent Reform and the rest “other”—the group often meets in the basement of the Second Presbyterian Church (4 W 96th St at Central Park West). “The idea is for people to feel at home, even if they’re coming from a background that’s different,” says Exler. For info, go to kehilathadar.org.
Deena Freed
Wed, Feb 06, at 10:49am
I belileve that 'Pig/no pig' has little to do with God and the heart of love which seems more like the essence of religion. Getting caught up in a relationship to the 'outside'practices
seems less important holding the heart of it's intention.
Other aspects of the Orthodox beliefs may inform and enlighten your current life. It's tricky to let go of some, and hold on to other parts -- but I believe that it's important work. Honoring our personal history by preserving parts of it feels like truth-telling to me.
MD
Wed, Jan 16, at 01:28pm
Thank you, Sarah, for making it clear that I am not the only one who is facing this type of dilemma. While I applaud anyone who chooses to keep kosher because they want to, I'm beginning to think it's pointless unless you truly believe in it (not just because it's something that you have been always told to do). What's appalling to me is the number of people who blindly follow the rules of any religion without thinking about WHY they are following them. Good luck to you as you sort this out for yourself.
Harry
Mon, Jan 14, at 04:00pm
People underestimate the power of community over personal decisions. Ritual law is filled with meaningful symbolism that holds tremendous meaning, whether metaphorical or metaphysical. The toughest thing is being forced to defend your own personal beliefs up to the scrutiny of others (like Menachem and Faina here). Instead of worrying about meeting your approval, and forcing herself to conform to your relationship to the divine, Sarah is brave enough to meet her maker openly and honestly. Mazal tov.
Menachem
Wed, Jan 09, at 09:51pm
What did she think? That lightning would strike her down as she ate her BLT? Bravo! She overcame her fear of Divine wrath and defiantly ate her fill of pork! How brave!
How sad.
Here was a person committed to her people, her faith and traditions, who slowly but surely lost her resolve to remain committed to the values she believed in.
We all have values that we believe in. The hallmark of human greatness, however, lies in our ability to consistently live by those values.
Despite the pressure of our social or economic environment, even against the tide of the sensual and material media that engulf us; a great human being will remain committed. This takes courage. This speaks volumes about one’s inner strength and convictions.
Is it wrong for her to eat pork? It is not my place to pronounce judgement on anybody.
Is it right for her to rationalize her lack of resolve by asking what’s wrong with non-kosher fast food?
I cannot keep silent as I witness one more once-committed Jew disappearing into the sea of moral apathy.
We all have our ups and downs. It’s never too late to recommit yourself to what you know to be your calling. You can still be that hero, that I know you are capable of becoming.
BZ
Mon, Jan 07, at 03:16pm
Hadar doesn't identify itself as Conservative.
faina
Sat, Jan 05, at 01:07pm
I was appalled by article about completely forgoing Judaism's most crucial rules and at the same time being a teacher in a Jewish school. In my opinion, somehow this disenchantment with such great religion will come thru to those kids. I, myself, is not completely religious yet, but I'm on my way there, and it really makes me very sad to hear stories of this kind. What's worrisome is that our kind not only get intermarried in crazy rates, but also very weak to "pleasures" that non-jewish world has to offer. I do not know which school the author attended but know that my children study about these assimilation dangers in their Jewish school and hope they will not succumb to them in a way that the author did.
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