Jack It was liberating and yet stifling. We were required to be with each other—only each other—in order for that system to work.

Elsa When we were applying to colleges, I didn’t want to live in a dorm because I wanted to live with Jack. We went to a college where it was possible to live off campus. And he started to change.

Jack When I became interested in Elsa, I didn’t want a monogamous relationship. I was 15 and she was hot. That was it. But it quickly became more than that. I always had a weakness when another woman who I thought was attractive started flirting. But it was more than a physical attraction to another person—it was trying a new life situation, one that involved freedom, a looser level of attachment to a person who was a fun companion and not a responsibility. After we moved again, after getting married, I was completely despondent. I expressed it as profound boredom and entrapment.

Elsa I backed off. I have serious jealousy issues and possession issues. If he went to visit a friend, I’d get crazy and start crying. And if he spent time with somebody else, I’d be like, “Why don’t you want to spend time with me right now?”—even though we were spending every moment together. So I stopped. We started seeing a couples counselor. And we lived apart for a week or two, so he could see what it was like to live on his own. Before that, I had a fear of the dark and a fear of sleeping by myself. So to stay alone for that long was a huge deal for me—I had never slept alone in an apartment in my life. And I was afraid.

Jack I’m sure it was horrible for her, and I hate hurting her. That’s why this whole thing happened in stages.

Elsa Eventually, we pushed forward and got separate apartments. Then our counselor thought we should really not contact each other at all for a month—starting that day. And I literally had a shock reaction, where people started to sound far away and I felt like I was underwater. We gave ourselves that evening to be together—we went out for dinner and had sex and snuggled. At almost midnight, we cried; he went down to his car, and I looked out the window. He waved up at me, and started to drive away but stopped and waved again. Then he left. At one minute to midnight, I text-messaged him to tell him I loved him. And that was it. It was like... [Pauses] huge.

Jack That month was easier for me than when we were talking to each other. I was relieved. I made more friends in the year we were having a bad time than I made in the seven years prior to that. But I was completely beside myself. I was a wreck inside.

Elsa The first day, someone asked how I am, and I realized I needed to tell everyone. So I sent an e-mail to 12 people and said, “Do you like eating dinner? Do you like me? Why not have both—come over, I need your help.” I developed a life.

Jack We reconnected and then separated again for a month. More and more, I just wanted to call Elsa. It wasn’t a compulsion or reflex or default, and I hadn’t messed with other women. I just felt like hanging out with her. And I knew it would be okay for us to move back in. I got the genuine feeling back.

Elsa It’s been great. I don’t know—we do spend a lot of time together again. A lot of time. He’s not depressed anymore, and that makes a difference. And I know he can take care of himself now, and he does. Last Saturday night, it was somebody’s birthday at a karaoke place and he was like, “Why don’t you just stay home?” And I was like, Should I, should I not? And finally I said, “I’m gonna go.” And he said, “Don’t worry about me.” But there’s still that thing. We just love being together. In unhealthy amounts. [Laughs] But now we can say, “Hey, this is creepy and weird. Let’s take a step back.”

—As told to MF

* Writer's name has been changed.

Photograph: Dan Eckstein

How to detox yourself
“Making the break is scary,” says Dr. David Amarel, a Manhattan psychologist.

1. In therapy, Amarel leads clients to understand what it is that connects them to their partner in the codependency, and then what’s hurting them—and focusing on that contrast. “Venting doesn’t help,” he says.

2. Codependency has to be replaced with something—a pet, a hobby. “It’s not too likely you’ll suddenly enter a healthy relationship,” Amarel says.

3. Check out Co-Dependents Anonymous—they meet all over the city, including at the 92nd Street Y.

4. When you’re ready to head out alone, go to a low-key bar like David Copperfield’s (1394 York Ave between 74th and 75th Sts, 212-734-6152).