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Bar Vespa

Photograph: Mimi Cabell

1. Bar Vespa
Every so often, trading peanut-littered dumps, PBR tall boys and a certain eau de piss for comfy couches and an epic wine list is just the ticket for a bit of Obaman paradigm shift. The first stop on our jaunt is pleasant enough, but we’re not out to impress a first date. We’re here to get drunk. 1609 Second Ave between 83rd and 84th Sts (212-737-3242). Drinks $8.50–$21.50.

2. Gael Pub
Of the gazillion insipid Gaelic spots around here, this one is tops because of the better-than-average beer list and Tuesday-night trivia. This being a weekend, though, our crew gets down to business (and figures out how to inoffensively order an Irish Car Bomb—a toxic blend of Guinness, Jameson and Baileys—from a couple of Celts). 1465 Third Ave between 82nd and 83rd Sts (212-517-4141). Drinks $5–$12.

3. The Auction House
Candlelit rooms with a Victorian flair and eclectic indie pop aren’t immediately associated with the UES. And neither should they be. While the Auction House doesn’t exactly welcome a large crowd of boozers (make out near the bartenders and be blasted with ice cubes), it provides a nice break from rubbing elbows with the Alpha Betas. 300 E 89th St between First and Second Aves (212-427-4458). Drinks $5–$11.

Photograph: Mimi Cabell

4. Pat O’Brien’s
If fresh air is what you’re after, Pat O’s is not your place. But if cheap beer and drinking games galore are up your alley, then welcome home. Since the joint prides itself on being a Boston College bar, it has a special place in this alum’s heart. 1701 Second Ave at 88th St (212-410-2013). Drinks $5–$7.

5. Phil Hughes
All dives are dirty and serve inexpensive drinks; Phil Hughes stands alone for battling the UES homogeneity with its incredible weirdness. Behind an imposing brick wall, an assembly of older, down-on-their-luck folks are waiting for you to smoke in the bar, drink past 4am or take their pictures so they can beat you up. 1682 First Ave at 88th St (212-722-9415). Drinks $3.50–$10.

6. Heidelberg
Is anything more gorgeous than a stein of freshly poured Spaten? Probably, but not to a bunch of lushes late on a Saturday night. Typically, the words start to slur about halfway through one glassssss…yep, worked again. 1648 Second Ave between 85th and 86th Sts (212-628-2332). Drinks $4.50–$13.

7. Dorrian’s Red Hand
Dorrian’s is the asshole epicenter of the Eastern Seaboard, from the staff to the clientele. Abercrombie-clad tough guys with no personality abound, the bouncers and bartenders act entitled, and…I get kicked out (they say they don’t dig having a photographer there, but I suspect it’s that I wasn’t pumping my fist hard enough to Bon Jovi). When you see the red hand that is its logo, take heed. Abandon hope, all ye who enter here. 1616 Second Ave at 84th St (212-772-6660). Drinks $2–$20.

Photograph: Mimi Cabell

8. Bar Coastal
Aside from the constant game-watching, East Siders flock to this surf-themed locale for spicy wings, a friendly staff and great windows for spring drinking and short-skirt watching. 1495 First Ave at 78th St (212-288-6635). Drinks $3.50–$12.

9. Stir
This lounge lined with black leather couches and gel-haired men is absolutely bumpin’ late at night. ’Tis a bit grind-heavy, but the busty bartender does help focus my double vision. 1363 First Ave between 73rd and 74th Sts (212-744-7190). Drinks $5–$13.

FINISH Finnegan's Wake
Your average crawl captain ends the night at a “party spot” where you can “rage it all night.” I prefer a different strategy. When you’re as confused as, well, anyone who tries to read James Joyce’s final novel, what better place to go than this warm, mahogany-filled bar with… Is that Astroturf? Sit quietly in the corner and cap off the night with a perfectly poured pint of Guinness. 1361 First Ave at 73rd St (212-737-3664). Drinks $6–$9.

FRIDAY, 3/14/08
Wanna try this crawl? Join TONY writer Colin St. John at Bar Vespa Fri 14 at 9pm. We can't guarantee Bon Jovi or fist pumping.*

* WARNING: If you join a crawl, TONY is not responsible for your tab, health, hangover or morning-after humiliation.

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