2. Firehouse
I’m disappointed to find that the bar is named for its especially hot wings ($6.95 for eight), not its especially hot firefighters, but I buck up when I discover how tasty the former are coupled with a Stella Artois ($6). When we arrive at 10:30pm, Firehouse is dead except for a drunk old guy, but the bartender swears that the place usually fills up by 9pm, especially on game nights and Fridays. 522 Columbus Ave at 85th St (212-787-FIRE, firehousetavern.com). Drinks $5–$10.

3. Señor Swanky’s
More cheesy theme restaurant than the “celebrity hangout” promised on business cards, Señor Swanky’s is so lame I can’t even stay for a drink. Other than a few pimply-faced boys sipping Malibu Bay Breezes, the place is depressingly empty. Next! 513 Columbus Ave between 84th and 85th Sts (212-579-2900). Drinks $7–$15.

4. Prohibition
I open the door and immediately ponder the occupancy limits of this potentially great bar. A bluesy band plays for a wall-to-wall crowd of people dressed on the artsy side of clean-cut. If I could propel my body to the jammed bar while also breathing I would stay longer. But my friends are talking about hopping a cab to the LES, and desperate to turn the night around, I round up the troops and hightail it back to Amsterdam. We will have fun, dammit. 503 Columbus Ave between 84th and 85th Sts (212-579-3100, prohibition.net). Drinks $6–$14.

5. The Blue Donkey Bar
Cute bartenders pour cocktails for a quarter-life crowd at this hangout, which fortifies our night with rounds of pool, air hockey and Pac-Man. Things usually get going around 9pm, before which you can grab a malted ($4) and a couple of sliders ($1.50 each) at the attached Homer’s World Famous Malt Shop. 489 Amsterdam Ave between 83rd and 84th Sts (212-496-0777, homersworldfamous.com). Drinks $2–$10.

6. George Keeley
Clusters of friends in their late twenties nosh on free popcorn and play darts at this pleasantly full joint. I order the 9 percent alcoholic brew La Fin du Monde ($8), which tastes like licorice and chocolate. A friend orders the first round of drinks, so it takes me a while to realize the bartender is my ex. That’s my cue to move on. 485 Amsterdam Ave between 83rd and 84th Sts (212-873-0251, georgekeeley.com). Drinks $4–$24.

Photograph: Jackie Johnston

7. The Gin Mill
College flashbacks overwhelm: The bartender wears a crooked trucker hat, and, inspired, we order a double round of shots. In the bathroom, girls in skimpy Forever 21 tops complain about the lack of toilet paper while applying black eyeliner. The pop and rock music is perfect for grinding with coeds. If that’s what you’re into. 442 Amsterdam Ave between 81st and 82nd Sts (212-580-9080). Drinks $4.50–$10.50.

8. The Dead Poet
Photos of long-gone scribes and framed quotes (including Dylan Thomas’s quip, “An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do”) adorn the walls of this low-key joint, which offers a welcome break from the UWS mayhem. Signature cocktails, such as the sour-apple Oscar Wilde ($8), are meant to reflect the characters of their spirited namesakes. 450 Amsterdam Ave between 81st and 82nd Sts (212-595-5670). Drinks $3–$10.

9. Brother Jimmy’s
More frat boys! Preppy recent grads pound beers and order BBQ in a late-night scene that’s lively, if familiar. 428 Amsterdam Ave between 80th and 81st Sts (212-501-7515, brotherjimmys.com). Drinks $3–$25.

FINISH Bourbon Street
Bartenders dispense $4 Jäger test tubes beneath a rainbow of bras hanging from the rafters. After a long night of college-age revelry—and several of those Jäger shots—I’m considering climbing atop the bar. If you can’t beat ’em, drink more and join ’em. 407 Amsterdam Ave between 79th and 80th Sts (212-721-1332, bourbonstreetnyc.com). Drinks $5–$15.

FRIDAY, 3/14/08
Wanna try this crawl? Join TONY writer and pro drinker Colin St. John at Bar Vespa Fri 14 at 9pm. We can’t guarantee Bon Jovi or fist-pumping.*

* WARNING: If you join a crawl, TONY is not responsible for your tab, health, hangover or morning-after humiliation.