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Art Land

Photograph: David Rosenzweig

1. Huckleberry Bar
Tonight’s crawl begins in the softly lit confines of Huckleberry, Billyburg’s answer to Manhattan’s Death & Company. A simmering buzz bar since last fall, this is the place to sip classic cocktails like Dr. Johnson’s Wintertime Old-Fashioned ($10), a deftly mixed marriage of Maker’s Mark, kumquat, cranberries and Peychaud’s bitters. I could do without the smooth-jazz soundtrack, though. 588 Grand St between Leonard and Lorimer Sts (718-218-8555). Drinks $4–$20.

2. Art Land
Two intriguing locals cross our path at this grungy assembly of green chandeliers, pool hall trophies (they’ve got a table in the back) and sneering gargoyles. One’s harmless enough—a music-video producer for underground rap artists such as Planet Asia and Pase Rock—but the other’s a DJ who spins the Dead Kennedys and “Thuggish Ruggish Bone” when he’s not plunging eight-gauge needles into his back. Apparently, Tommy is a member of disgracelandfamily.com’s Hook Squad, something he proves by showing us puncture wounds and gruesome video clips. “If they rip through,” he explains, “you’ve got some fucked-up skin.” 609 Grand St between Leonard and Lorimer Sts (718-599-9706). Drinks $3–$10.

3. Bushwick Country Club
We’ve got a winner for the neighborhood’s trendiest clusterfuck of countercultural tourists. At least the bartenders are laid-back, passing me a gratis Jäger shot and membership card to the miniature-golf course out back (it opens mid-May). I scope out the photo booth before slamming a $3 Pabst tall boy and hotfooting it out of here. 618 Grand St at Leonard St (718-388-2114). Drinks $3–$10.

Photograph: Jackie Johnston

4. Metropolitan
“You guys got here too early,” advises the soft-spoken doorman of the neighborhood gay bar. “The real freaks don’t come out till 1.” Sure enough, the fabulous/fierce factor in the room is rather low. In fact, the only freaks are our friends from Art Land, who just shared a story involving pipe bombs and one of their cars. 559 Lorimer St between Devoe St and Metropolitan Ave (718-599-4444). Drinks $3–$9.

5. Jr & Son
Walk by Jr & Son and you’d swear it’s closed. Venture inside, however, and you’d swear you just walked onto a classic Scorsese set—one that’ll leave you feeling as unwelcome as Paul Reubens in the tequila bar scene of Pee-wee’s Big Adventure. TONY’s photographer is told, “What don’t you understand about not taking pictures in here?” For the record, there are way too many Sinatra pics on the walls. 578 Lorimer St at Metropolitan Ave (no phone).

6. Alligator Lounge
The promise of pizza (free with any pint) lures us to this neighborhood standby. As my oft-cynical friend Doug admits, “The place is like a low-budget Kahunaville,” from the fake palm trees to the congenial barflies who converse with strangers—like a kooky out-of-towner who shares details of her recent scoliosis surgery. 600 Metropolitan Ave between Leonard and Lorimer Sts (718-599-4440). Drinks $4–$10.

7. The Subway Bar
Subway looks like a seedy dive decorated by a bitter MTA employee who stole a bunch of stuff from work. We see our friends from Art Land (again), one of whom buys me a Pabst-and-shot-of-bourbon special. 527 Metropolitan Ave between Lorimer St and Union Ave (718-218-7956). Drinks $2–$9.

Photograph: Jackie Johnston

8. Barcade
While I won’t be conquering Donkey Kong tonight, I do acquire two frothy stouts for $10, from a choice of 25 taps—which is more than I can say about the limited draft selection in many Williamsburg bars. (Note to prospective watering hole owners: The $6 Pabst-and-Beam specials have got to stop, because—let’s be honest—they taste like piss and cough syrup.) 388 Union Ave between Ainslie and Powers Sts (718-302-6464). Drinks $5–$10.

9. Redd’s Tavern
All I’ve got to say is fuck the guy that got a 290 at Skee-Ball here. Well, at least I won at darts. 511 Grand St between Lorimer St and Union Ave (718-218-9429). Drinks $3–$10.

FINISH 507 Bar & Grill
Here I find mating season in full bloom to a soundtrack of banging hip-hop jams. I strike up a conversation with a random couple. The guy’s a magician who flips $1 bills into hundreds. I ask him to turn my cab fare into rent money, but he just smiles and walks away. Can someone please announce last call? 507 Grand St at Union Ave (718-387-3381). Drinks $3–$10.

FRIDAY, 3/14/08
Wanna try this crawl? Andrew is still hungover, so join stalwart boozer Jeff Quinn at Huckleberry Bar Fri 14 at 9pm.*

* WARNING: If you join a crawl, TONY is not responsible for your tab, health, hangover or morning-after humiliation.

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