My parents are Chinese immigrants
Lala Wu, 22

My parents met in China in the midst of political turmoil. My father was in med school and got the opportunity to come here as a student, so he moved to Seattle in 1980. They waited for each other for three years, exchanging letters—I think my mom sent a lock of her hair or something. [Laughs] Finally, my mom came to join him.

While I was growing up, they were not stereotypically strict Asian parents, but they were more strict than my mostly white friends’ parents. My friends would tell me that I was my own person and that I should do my own thing, but that’s a huge cultural disconnect: In Chinese culture, it’s much more about your responsibility to the family than it is about what you want for yourself. The idea is that your obligation to your family should be built into your idea of contentedness and happiness. But it was hard to pin down what was “right” and “wrong.” You know, like, about mundane things. For instance, we kept our pots and pans in the oven because Chinese people don’t really bake. No one does that! I’ve accidentally preheated many a pot and pan in my life.

My parents play a large part in my decision-making process about everything. Even when it comes to relationships: If I were really into somebody but my parents didn’t like him, it would be over. They’ve also helped me keep the crazy pressures of living in New York in perspective. I feel like I’m stereotyping myself, but it’s Confucian: Listen to your elders, they know what they’re talking about. You’ll be more successful and don’t have to make the mistakes other people are making if you can just listen to your parents’ advice. My mother has pushed that strategy on me since the beginning. I recently realized that it was nearly impossible for me to make a major decision without a lot of anxiety about what my mother would want. I realized how insane that was and forced myself to trust my own judgment more. It’s hard, though.

There’s also an aspect of like, Wow, you sacrificed everything for us. You left what you knew, you came here with nothing and you built this life so that your two kids could be successful. So who am I to say that I don’t want to do what you think is best for me?

—As told to Kate Lowenstein