Q I’m a gay man in my mid-forties and I had a sexual epiphany recently—but I don’t think you’re going to like it. I realized that I like sex to be as minimal as possible. I still feel the urge to come a lot, but why make a big production out of it? Anal sex requires too much prep work and energy. Giving blow jobs is fun for like two minutes, then it gets boring and makes your jaw sore. And getting head is great, but once I’ve had the initial thrill of sticking my dick in someone’s mouth, I’d much rather just jack off and call it a night. If I’m with someone who really likes the full sex treatment, I focus on getting him off and forget about my own release just to cut the sex time in half. Do you think this is just a function of my age? I honestly feel like I’ve always been like this, but I faked my way through long sex sessions because I thought that’s what you were supposed to do. Now that I’m older and give less of a shit about what you’re supposed to do, I feel like I’m being more honest about my desires. What do you think?

A Although I don’t have a problem with minimalist sex per se—in fact, one of the blow jobs I think back on most fondly lasted 30.5 seconds during my easily excitable adolescence, before I learned to (a) use mental images of Benedictine nuns to delay orgasm and (b) stop clocking my blow jobs—I do think you sound a bit too emotionally disengaged from the act. There’s no doubt that as you get older, the concept of sex can lose a bit of its urgent, loin-exploding luster (at least I’ve read that this is true, although I’ve yet to experience the drop-off myself). The idea is to discover different aspects of sexual fulfillment, not to just do what you did in your youth in an expedited, great-now-that-that’s-over-I’ve-got-time-to-rejigger-my-stock-portfolio way. Frankly, it doesn’t sound like you’re giving your sex partners the opportunity to rock your world. I’m not saying you have to go back to having anal sex and marathon fellatio sessions, I’m just saying, don’t go into sex with the attitude that it’s simply a jazzed-up masturbation session. Be open to connecting more and I think you’ll discover a renewed interest in the act.

Q I’m a 22-year-old straight guy, and I’m pretty inexperienced when it comes to sex. I’ve had sex with only two different women, and so far I think I pretty much suck at it. First, I couldn’t unroll the condom the right way, then it took me like ten tries to actually get my penis into the vagina, and then I just started pumping away while trying to be careful that I didn’t slip out so I wouldn’t have to work at getting my penis back in there. I know I shouldn’t learn about life from movies and TV, but I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve seen a scene where a guy basically just falls on top of a naked woman and his penis apparently zeroes right in there and the sex begins. Does this actually happen in real life? Please tell me I’m not the only one whose dick needs to be taught how to find the promised land.

A You’re right, you shouldn’t try to learn about life from movies and TV (except for Lost—I think we all have benefitted from seeing the folly of air travel). As for your own personal hatch-opening skills, don’t despair: The history of sex is filled with guys who fumbled about while trying to get the thingy into the whatsit. The first thing you need to do is lighten up a little. I’m getting stressed just hearing about the way you approach sex. It sounds like you’re trying to act like an old pro, and in your nervous desperation to seem all suave and knowing, you’re botching everything. There’s no shame in being new at sex—you’re 22, for crying out loud, and the only way you’re going to get good at it is by giving yourself the breathing room to learn and be taught. Lots of foreplay (including finger-banging and oral sex) will help familiarize you more with the female anatomy so that when it comes time for the thingy-whatsit combo, you’ll have a better idea of how to merge the two. And don’t be afraid to have her guide your dick into the promised land. If you’re too proud to outright ask for help, just turn it into a kinky sex thing and say something like “I want you to grab my dick and put it inside of you.” Voilà, you’re acting—just like in the movies.

Q Thirty-year-old straight girl here, and I recently started getting turned on by the idea of swallowing. The problem is, it literally makes me gag afterward. I never seem to learn, because while giving head, the idea of swallowing gets me hot again, I’ll do it and then retch. Obviously, it’s not the most romantic way to end things. Any advice?

A Sex and retching is never good for any parties involved, so let me suggest a possible compromise. Since you’re probably turned on by the idea of a guy coming in your mouth, more than the actual swallowing of jizz, why don’t you have him blow and then immediately pull out? That way, you can start the come-dribbling process—whereby you let the jizz ooze out of your mouth rather than down your throat. I think any guy would prefer watching a steady river of come making its way down your chin, throat and chest to hearing you hack up an unwanted load.

There was a huge reaction to the recent letter I ran from the guy whose chronic bed-wetting problem was preventing him from spending the night with a woman he had recently fallen for. Mostly, it was people just wanting to express their sympathy for his plight, but there was also this helpful bit of info from a female Good Samaritan.

Your letter writer mentioned that his explorations of Western medicine have yielded little result, but I wonder if he has looked into alternative therapies. I’m an acupuncture student at Tri-State College of Acupuncture, and we have many protocols for dealing with enuresis. Chinese medical theory looks at organs in the body in terms of energetic functional units and meridians. Dysfunction is caused by obstructions of the meridians or organs, which can be treated simply by using acupuncture needles. If the gentleman would consider a series of treatments, he is quite likely to experience some relief. There are many licensed practitioners in New York; a partial list is available at acufinder.com. Alternatively, acupuncture colleges such as my own (tsca.edu) provide low-cost student clinics. I hope this information is helpful.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com. Check out “Sex on the Street” with Jamie Bufalino at timeoutnewyork.tv.

See previous Get Naked