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Q I’m a 34-year-old straight woman who’s been dating the same guy for almost two years. For the most part, we’re very happy with each other, but there’s one part of his personality that really bugs me. He’s super suspicious. If I get home late from work or if I don’t immediately pick up my cell every time he calls he jumps to the most horrible conclusions. He knows he’s got a problem with this—he was cheated on by his last girlfriend and obviously that’s left its mark on his psyche. When I have time to think about things, I definitely feel for him, but in the moment of being suspected of doing all sorts of horrible things I haven’t done, I want to wring his neck. Is there any advice you can give him or us about how to deal with this?
A Ah, the old failed-relationship flashbacks, eh? Those are the worst. You can get caught in these vicious loops where you put yourself on such high alert to avoid getting fucked the way you got fucked before that you end up just fucking yourself. (I know it’s childish, but boy, it feels damn good to be able to write fuck as many times as I please—thank you, TONY!) Here’s what I would ask your boyfriend: “What is it that you actually get out of monitoring me so closely?” I totally get that he’s sensitive to being deceived and cheated on, but ramping up the surveillance on his significant other is neither going to stop the cheating nor lessen the pain of having been cheated if his monogamy sensors ever do pick up some actual security breach. What’s really going on here is that a piece of him feels responsible for what happened in his last relationship. He’s thinking, If I’d only paid attention to the little signs, or, If I’d only given her a shorter leash, it wouldn’t have happened, but that is so not true. You can’t control other people’s actions, but what you can do is drive a person so crazy with your petty jealousies and lack of trust that she ultimately realizes that staying with you will do her more emotional harm than good. Kudos to you for having compassion for him, but now’s the time to put your foot down: Either he’s willing to let go of the past and give trusting you a whirl, or he should just forget about relationships altogether, because this situation isn’t going to work for anyone.
Q I’m a 36-year-old gay guy and I’ve got a major fetish for jockstraps. First a little background: When I was in high school I played a lot of sports, and for obvious reasons there’s something about being in a locker room with guys wearing jocks that’s always turned me on. Back in my teens, I don’t think I ever really thought about it that much, but as an adult, locker room scenes—whether in real life or porn—really get me going. Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately), no one really wears jocks anymore, otherwise I’d have a raging hard-on every time I walked into the Crunch locker room. Okay, so here’s my question: I’ve been on a few dates with someone recently, we’ve already had sex a couple of times, and I’m dying to ask him to put on a jock (I have an underwear drawer full of them) the next time we’re in bed together. I’m also slightly afraid that it’s going to make me seem like a creepy freak. What’s the best way to go about bringing up this topic?
AI really should let all of you have access to my e-mail inbox for a week, just so you’d all have a clearer idea of what a “creepy freak” sounds like (usually, some combination of the words sniff and Jamie’s underwear is a tell-tale sign). I’ve always found that the best time to bring up specific sexual interests with someone new is when you’re lying there in bed right after having thrown it down. After saying something like, “That was hot when you [Fill in the blank here],” just work in a casual question like, “Do you have any particular fetishes or anything?,” which would of course give you the opening to say, “Would you mind if I got your measurements so I can figure out which of the jocks in my enormous jock collection would fit you the best for the next time we have sex?” (kidding, I’m sure you can figure out a low-key way to fill him in on what you just told me). As far as fetishes go, jockstraps are actually pretty vanilla and low-maintenance, so I fail to see how anyone would have much of an issue with that. Of course, I should probably ask what it is you like to do to them once they’re in the jockstrap, but maybe that’s best left for another day.
Q Can someone please tell me what’s so hot about having sex in the shower? It’s all my husband ever wants to do and I hate it. Only one of us gets to stay warm under the water, while the other one is shivering his or her ass off. And the idea for shower sex always comes at the worst possible time—either in the morning when all I ever want to do is get out the door with something that remotely matches, or right before bed, when all I ever want to do is go to sleep. Jamie, please make it clear to anyone who thinks shower sex is hot that it’s actually a big pain in the ass, with little payoff.
A It doesn’t sound like you’re leaving me much room for the opposing view, so let me just say that given the right circumstances—multinozzled shower, spacious Italian-tiled stall, a well-placed sponge moistened with something that tingles—shower sex can actually be quite hot. New York City–rental shower sex, however, is almost universally a bad idea. It just sounds like you’re more of a bath person, which is fine; as long as you can appreciate the combo of warm water and sex in some capacity, you’re not going to get an argument out of me.
Before you head out, check out this e-mail I got from a guy who was apparently responding to one of my pleas for some salacious submission or other, although he never made it clear which one. No matter, I’m just going to file it under “First Time Having Sex in Front of Another Person.”
I am a 42-year-old divorced guy out in the dating world. On a blind date, I met a very hot girl for dinner and we ended up getting a room in the Soho Grand. We drank, had fun at the bar and crazy sex until about two in the morning. Then, she tells me she wants to go to a party at a friend’s apartment. When we arrived everyone had left, so we had a drink with her friend and then she fucked me in front of him. Not an ordinary date for sure, but it gets better. After, she told me the friend was her ex-husband. It was a very hot experience to say the least. We’ve been dating for a year now.
Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com. Check out “Sex on the Street” with Jamie Bufalino at timeoutnewyork.tv.
