The last time I sat on Santa's lap, I was seven years old. That Christmas, the jolly old fellow failed to make good on a very important gift I'd requested, so we had a slight parting of the ways. I became a grinch. Whenever Santa showed up in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, I booed. I began to disturb my teachers with Crayola renderings of bloody, one-sided battles between Santa and various Star Wars characters. To this day, I can't stand the phrase Ho, ho, ho.

But I've mellowed in the 20 years since our last encounter. Inspired by this year's recent airing of Rudolph, I decided that it's finally time to bury the hatchet with Santa—or at least with Macy's version of the rotund, red-suited one. Taking a break from making lists and checking them twice, Kriss Kringle found time to chat by phone from the North Pole.

Time Out New York: What's up, Santa?
Santa Claus: Well, I just thought I'd call from the North Pole and see how everything is.

Oh, everything's fine, everything's fine.
Santa Claus: Good.

How are you?
Santa Claus: Well, I'm fine too! Yessss!

TONY: How do I know this is the real Kriss Kringle?
Santa Claus: [Laughs] Because I'm calling you from the North Pole, and there isn't
another one up here like me.

Tell me something only Santa would know.
Santa Claus:Well, I know you've been very good this year. You've been tempted not to be, but you've been very good.

You think? Really? I don't know about that.
Santa Claus: [Pause] Oh, well.

Remind me of what happens when someone's naughty. I've never really gotten that policy.
Santa Claus: I give them coal.

Ouch!
Santa Claus: I don't want them to feel worse; I just want them to remember that they need to be nice. That's a need for everyone.

Then I suppose Bill Clinton gets a lump of coal this year.
Santa Claus: Well, he's working on being nice, and I want to encourage that. I think he'll probably receive a nice Christmas present because he's putting in the
effort to be nice. And that's important—that you want to be nice.

[Long pause] You know, I'm still mad at you from when I was seven years old.
Santa Claus: I was hoping you would have forgiven me for that by now.

You remember why, right? No Mister Mouth.
Santa Claus:Oh, yeah. You'll give me another chance this Christmas, won't you?

I guess so. Have you ever thought about replacing your reindeer with the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz?
Santa Claus: Well, no. No, I haven't. They seem to be kept pretty busy in their efforts to get Dorothy and her friends. Plus, my reindeer are so wonderful! I've grown so attached to them all!

And those monkeys are pretty mean.
Santa Claus: Well, they're misguided.

Do you like your animated rendering in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Santa Claus: It isn't bad at all. They make my legs a little skinny, but oh, well. It's a work-in-progress, I figure.

When you're chilling up there at the North Pole, do you wear the red suit all the time?
Santa Claus: Most of the time, yes. It's very warm. Now, I don't wear the full costume all the time. When I'm in the workshop, I'll take the coat off. And the hat.

So you don't wear platform shoes and butterfly collars—you know, '70s gear?
Santa Claus: [Laughs] No, no. I'm afraid some of the fashion trends have passed me by.

Does your stomach really shake like a bowlful of jelly when you laugh?
Santa Claus: [Laughs] Ho, ho, ho! Yes, it does! Yessss!

When kids leave out food for you, is there anything you won't eat?
Santa Claus: I haven't actually been offered a wide range of things. Usually it's cookies and milk, and every now and then a piece of pie or cake. Those are all delightful. I've also gotten carrots and raw vegetables. Those are fun too.

Do you ever get notes saying "Eat these rice cakes—you're fat!"
Santa Claus: I haven't had any notes like that! Oh, my!

Those notes would come from the naughty ones.
Santa Claus: [Laughs] Ho, ho, ho!

We've all heard about kids peeing on your lap. Does that piss you off?
Santa Claus: [Laughs] Well, no. It happens on occasion. It's something you have to forgive and forget. My costume has gotten used to it after all these years.

What about pooing?
Santa Claus: Now, that's very rare. That's normally with just the littlest ones, and I suggest to their parents that they clean the little ones up.

What happens when a kid grabs your beard really hard?
Santa Claus: It hurts. But I understand that's just youthful curiosity and their not wanting to be taken in. And so they test. That's part of growing up.

Why don't you and Mrs. Claus have kids?
Santa Claus: That void is filled by the elves. There are so many of them, and they're like a big family to us. I treat them all as my children. Plus, I think of the children of the world as ours, too.

So it has nothing to do with the fact that it's really cold up there and that hinders—
Santa Claus: No. We just have our hearts full of love for all the children.

Then you don't have a thing for Vixen?
Santa Claus: [Laughs] No, that's just a nasty rumor. Don't believe it.

Okay. Have you ever had sex in the sleigh?
Santa Claus: Good heavens, no! Old Rudolph—more than his nose would be red if that was going on.

Have you ever seen any of the reindeer having sex?
Santa Claus: [Disgusted] No.

Really?
Santa Claus: No, I haven't seen that.

What's the closest you've come to death while flying the sleigh? Any Tomahawk missiles been fired at you?
Santa Claus: I know that every now and then I'm picked up on radar, but no one's ever fired anything at me. Well, goodness. That would be rather sad, wouldn't it?

Um, yeah. [Pause] I really want Mister Mouth this year.
Santa Claus: Well, that seems reasonable.

Thanks, Santa. Well, I'd better let you get back to the old elfin sweatshop. Thanks for talking to me, and no hard feelings, huh?
Santa Claus: Excellent! It's been good talking to you. Merry Christmas!