Neil from Manhattan

Photograph: Michael Kirby

CRIME Excessive grunting
We can already see and smell you. Must we hear you, too?

VIOLATOR Sam
Deep guttural noises led me to the incline press, where I found the perp and his bulging pecs pumping a massive 315 pounds. Impressive! But not as impressive as his excuse: “The grunting is a reflex. I can’t really help it.” I’ll let you off the hook this time, Sam, but only ’cause you could snap my neck with your pinkie.

CRIME Inappropriate gym attire
The gym isn’t a European beach or a Super Bowl halftime show. Cover your nipnaps, people!

VIOLATOR Neil
I accosted Neil after witnessing him do lateral raises in a nipple-revealing tank top and spat shoes, an outfit that might look smashing at an Edwardian rave, but not at a house of fitness. “I like to see what muscles I’m working,” Neil said of the top. As for the shoes? “I wear them everywhere, so it’s convenient.” Especially if he gets invited to a rave!

CRIME Machine hogging
Most gyms have a time limit on their equipment. Most gyms also have members who ignore them.

VIOLATOR Eddie
The huffing-and-puffing delinquent was on minute 36 of his treadmill workout, ignoring the 30-minute rule plastered on the wall near him. “I’ll get off of it if someone is waiting,” he reasoned. That’s like saying you’re going to stop murdering people if the Grim Reaper shows up. Rules are rules, Eddie. Now dismount before I make you jog down to the TONYPD clink.

CRIME Grabbing your junk
Pulling your undies out of your crack or shifting your sack is just plain wack.

VIOLATOR Duane
I caught the offender at the squat press with his hand in the proverbial cookie jar (let’s just say those cookies had nuts in ’em). “All the moving around causes shifting, so I gotta readjust,” he griped. The only balls you should be touching at the gym are the ones you do sit-ups on. And hands off the ones in the steam room!

Who do you want to see TONYPD bust next? E-mail suggestion to inyc@timeoutny.com.

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