The Fonz is in the dog house.

Photograph: Michael Kirby

CRIME Disturbing the peace
Shut your kibblehole, Fido. Your bark really is worse than your bite.

VIOLATOR Atta Girl and Peter
Atta Girl’s yappy trap went off the second she set paw in the dog park—and just kept going. The miniature pinscher’s trigger, ironically, is a fear of miniature people. Unfortunately for the hearing-abled humans in the park, there was a three-year-old present. “My nephews tortured Atta when she was a puppy, so now she’s leery of anything under five feet,” explained owner Peter. “She basically goes nuts around kids and dwarfs.” It’s okay, Atta; Gary Coleman scares me, too.

CRIME Hilton-izing your pet
Paris Hilton is not a fashion icon, nor is her dog Tinkerbell. Keep the tutus off the poochies, people.

VIOLATOR Frida, Stella and Kevin
It’s bad enough that Frida and Stella were born into Chihuahua bodies, but now they have to dress like American Girl dolls, too? Frida, in a pink sweater, and Stella, in a pink hoodie, looked embarrassed by the way their dad Kevin dressed them—and clearly indignant. “I have to pin down Frida to dress her—she’s kind of butch,” he said. “I know they don’t like it, but they look so cute!” We’ll see how cute they are when they make a sex tape.

CRIME Sexual harassment
For some horndogs, your mother-in-law’s leg just won’t do…

VIOLATOR Fonzi and Alicia
I was seconds away from ticketing black pug Calypso for chomping at half-her-size Chihuahua Fonzi—until I figured out why: The Fonz was practically raping her! “He’s been licking her coochie since we arrived,” said Fonzi’s ashamed owner Alicia. Moments later, Fonz mounted Calypso, prompting Alicia to cock-block him. “Neither one has been fixed!” Poor Bob Barker—it was all for naught.

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