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CRIME Obstruction by height
If you’re over six feet tall, then fee-fi-fo-fum those giant femurs to the back of the crowd!
VIOLATOR Nate from Brooklyn
From 50 yards away, I could see Nate’s noggin bobbing heads above a sea of short people at Williamsburg’s McCarren Park Pool. Hell, people in Queens could have spotted the 6'10" titan. Know what they couldn’t see? Headlining band the Hold Steady. “I’m more of a passive jerk, because I shift every now and then to not totally block people,” explained Nate, who went on to make excuses for his view-hogging agenda. “It’s hard for me to find jeans that fit, so I should be allowed to stand in front for concerts.” Or you could just wear shorts and not be a band-blocking behemoth!
CRIME Public dance indecency
The Robot is only a cool dance move when it’s performed by Wall-E.
VIOLATORS Mitch and Ashleigh from Brooklyn
Watching these cats bust a move was more painful than busting a kneecap. Though, in all fairness, they weren’t “dancing” so much as they were flailing their arms, contorting their faces and bouncing in a puddle. The culprits disagreed: “We’re pretty infamous in the borough for our dancing,” boasted Mitch. “Like, people have stopped us and told us they love it.” Maybe they should have just stopped you, period.
CRIME Weapons assault
This is a concert, not a playground: Leave the water guns at home (officers of the law excluded).
VIOLATOR Bryan from Brooklyn
Yes, it was pouring rain. But getting sprinkled with God’s tears is not the same as getting blasted in the crotch with a Super Soaker, which is what Bryan was so maturely doing to unsuspecting concertgoers—including yours truly. “You work for the Man, and this is no place for the Man!” he yelled, gunning me down. This is also no place for a drunk 30-year-old who shoots ladies in their special areas—though we’re betting that’s the only way he can make them wet. (Hey-o!)
