Date: July 28, 2008 7:39:34 PM EDT
To: inyc@timeoutny.com
Subject: [none]

My wife and I have two kids and have been happily married for over 12 years. Both of us are looking to spice up our sex life by exploring the world of threesomes. Are there any bars that cater to couples looking for sexual exploration with another woman?

K, via e-mail

First, the bad news: There is no single bar where you can order a saketini with a side of swinger. However, the city has a thriving sexual play scene, where the “lifestyle,” as it’s known, covers fun from “soft swap” PG-13 activities to “full swap” penetration. Joining it can take a little preparation.

Online
As the puppets of Avenue Q sing, “The Internet is for porn.” It’s also one of the best resources for swingers. The site Sexxy Mofo (sexxymofo.com) provides listings of parties and gatherings, a chat area and a personals section for swapping photos before swapping bodily fluids. Other resources for finding a third wheel include Swingers Date Club (sdc.com), NASCA (nasca.com) and old reliable, Craigslist.

At a party
Of course, some couples want something more exciting—or safer—than picking up a playmate online. The lifestyle scene comprises many private parties with screening processes, where there are both physical and psychological bars to pass. Events for couples looking for a woman have a high price tag ($80-$400) unless you are a single woman (single men are pretty much SOL).On the higher end is the uber-exclusive One Leg Up party (onelegupnyc.com), now in its tenth year. “People from all over the world fly in for them,” says organizer Palagia. “The cost is high, but so is the production value.”

For a bohemian party vibe with house music, masked crusaders and erotic performers, check out Chemistry parties (Chemistry-nyc.com), held in a magnum-size loft in Prospect Heights. Cofounder and promoter SheilaMonster calls them good beginner’s events: “They are classy and chic and not too heavy,” she says. “It allows people to explore their sexuality in a lighthearted environment.” Other sexy soirees include SKIN (skinparty.com, 212-802-SKIN) for the bridge-and-tunnel types, and Voyeur Events (212-561-0258, voyeurevents.com) for players in the city and the Hamptons.

For a Shortbus-worthy orgy writhing with men, women and everything in between, check out Brooklyn’s gay sex party Spam (718-789-4053). “Heterosexuals” are not allowed, so be prepared for anything.

Out and about
The only public spaces that openly and specifically cater to the lifestyle are sex clubs. Although most locals in the scene do not frequent these establishments, you may find a crowd of out-of-towners looking to play. Try Le Trapeze (17 E 27th St between Fifth and Madison Aves, 212-532-0298, letrapeze.org) and Checkmates Club (227 E 56th St between Second and Third Aves, checkmatenyc.com) or, if you do it outer-borough style, Brooklyn’s Casbar (117 25th St at the Gowanus Expwy, Sunset Park, Brooklyn, srcasbar.com).

Out of town
If New York isn’t a swing state for you, then try making your threesome a full-blown vacation. Dream Pleasures (dreampleasuretours.com), Fling (virtualviplounge.com) and Yolo Cruises (yolocruises.com) all cater to getaways with a twist.

Oh, and also “create boundaries”
Before dipping your toe (or tongue, or private bits) into unknown waters, make sure to outline your limitations with your partner. “My advice to anyone entering erotic play is to create boundaries,” says Palagia. “You and your partner must first discuss the do’s and don’ts before attending an event. You need to communicate what your fantasies are, what you hope to gain and what situations you are comfortable with.” And—not to sound like your mom or eighth-grade health teacher—be safe!