CRIME Unclean living situation
You just left the nest and Mommy isn’t there to clean up after you? Well, get used to it. Or get a maid.

VIOLATOR Neil, sophomore
Neil almost didn’t let me into his room because “it’s such a mess.” Luckily, I had a warrant. And by “warrant,” I mean the strength to barge my way in. What I found was four days’ worth of crusty dishes piled up in the sink. Neil, a philosophy major, reasoned that if he cooks, his roommate should do the dishes. Unfortunately, that roommate couldn’t give a shit about what Neil thinks. So I read Neil his rights, gave him a dishrag, and forced him to scrub the pots. There’s only room for one pig in this apartment, and I already have the uniform.

CRIME Clichéd college posters
A poster of John Belushi wearing a shirt that says “college” tacked onto the wall? How original!

VIOLATOR Tyler, sophomore
The perp had no fewer than 33 posters hung on just about every wall and door in his dorm room. The posters ranged from the usual musicians (Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison) to Art Appreciation 101 (Salvador Dalí) to, sigh, beer pong. And of course, there were three separate sheets of toking-aficionado Bob Marley. “Have you ever thought about classing it up and framing them?” I asked Tyler. “No, that would be tacky,” he said, while standing in front of a Karlovacko Beer poster he stole from a brewery.

CRIME Furniture deficiency
Sitting cross-legged in the middle of the floor is only an option for kindergartners.

VIOLATOR Myroslav, sophomore
The crime scene was filled with, well, not much. A LoveSac (an unfortunate brand name for a giant beanbag chair) was plopped in the middle of the room, while a queen-sized blow-up mattress lay flaccidly in the corner. “I may be going abroad next semester, so I don’t really want to invest in furniture right now, “ explained Myroslav. “We can always blow up the bed if we have company and they want to sit down.” The ’70s are over, Myroslav. Get to an Ikea, already.