Guys to girls  |  Girls to girls  |   Guys to guys  |  Girls to guys

Girls to girls:

1 Most of us have a relationship-quest drilled into us. To enjoy dating, you have to relinquish the fantasy, and embrace being single: You can’t be trying to change your status. It’s not about adopting typically male qualities and morphing into the idea of a “player”—it’s about loving men, and wanting to get to know as many of them as possible. It’s fun, and it’s a great way to feel like you’re exploring options while spending a majority of your energy on yourself, your career and your friends. Statistically, you’ll spend the rest of your life with someone: Enjoy the time that you get to be alone. It doesn’t last.

2 Everyone we know has had periods in their life where they have been dateless, and periods where they have either been dateless or double-booked both weekend nights. This goes to the theory that successful dating is not necessarily about superficial attractiveness, it’s about a state of mind and a specific energy. Dates beget dates. You have to get out there and create some momentum. It may sound weird, but challenge a friend to a date-off. Compete to see who can go on the most dates in a short amount of time. A competition rubric justifies asking random guys out, asking friends to set you up. And it’ll keep you moving to whoever is the next guy in line, which is a good pattern for getting out there.

3 Pay it forward: If someone, anyone, asks you out, say yes. It’s important to keep an open mind about everyone, much as you would appreciate everyone keeping an open mind about you. Plus, you want to encourage guys to ask girls out: Going on a date is not a big deal and it would behoove everyone to do more of it.

4 When someone offers to set you up, take it as a huge compliment: Do not pester them for details and don’t make them paranoid that you are going to make them regret it. Be a good sport, be gracious and go. And then have a good time. This is a friend of a friend; by the end of the evening, they should be your friend, too. Act badly, and you can be assured that you’ll never be set up again. And don’t stalk the person who set you up for information after: Be a big girl and recuse them of all responsibility.

5 A good date is someone who is engaged, interested, easily humored and laid-back. Do not treat this as the first day of the rest of your life with the guy across the table. You will be subconsciously telegraphing expectations, which is the beginning of the slow spiral to doom. Treat the encounter like it’s a singular activity, in a “I met a hot guy in an airport and we’re flying to opposite coasts” sort of way. And if your dinner companion is not for you, find his redeeming qualities and charm him anyway. Charm doesn’t cost a thing. He could end up as a friend: A friend with hot friends you can date.

6 You know the saying “Be a creature unlike no other”? Live it: Be a creature unlike most girls, who behave like bat-shit crazy obsessives. It’s not that hard to be relatively and refreshingly cool. Again, refrain from forming attachments—this lets you remain clear-eyed about who he is and allows you to let go of the fantasy of who you want him to be. Don’t forget to listen: Most guys will tell you everything you need to know about their emotional state within the first hour. People reveal themselves subtly, so pay attention.

7 You can like a guy and enjoy hanging out with him even if there’s no chemistry. That’s when you jettison him to the friend zone. And if he goes willingly, don’t internalize it as a rejection and then start to obsess about why he isn’t into you, as many girls do. Remember: You weren’t into him either, so don’t overthink it.

8 After the date, don’t overanalyze things. You’ll never know exactly what he’s thinking based on his texts; they’re not in code. Most normal guys date—a lot. You should do the same. He’s probably not obsessing about you, as obsessing is abnormal and unhealthy. The fact that he’s not overloading your in-box doesn’t necessarily mean that you’ll never see him again, so don’t let yourself go there mentally. It’s palpable. Stop trying to control the things you can’t control and just relax.

9 Don’t write e-mails to try to elicit a certain response. If you throw a text message out there, recognize that it may not be returned. And most important, don’t fish. If you find yourself asking him out (not our preference), just come right out and ask—don’t try to get him to do the work for you: “Do you want to come to a dinner with me on Wednesday?” rather than “Hey, what’s going on with you? Are you around this week?” is much more confident and straightforward. If you intimate that you can handle yourself, he’ll be more inclined to get involved.

10 Only lame girls play games. If he texts you or contacts you, respond. Quickly. Don’t you feel like an idiot when you’re biding your time, watching the clock and hemming and hawing about a perfectly worded, I’m-not-that-into-you-but-I’m-sort-of-curious e-mail? You should. If there’s nothing really there between you, the lack of chemistry will surface, regardless of whether you attempt to “game” it away for a few more weeks.

11 Date a lot of people at the same time. It keeps you distracted, it keeps you sane, and it keeps you from obsessing.

12 Sex complicates things. Take a vow of chastity until you think you can handle it without getting attached.

13 Former dates can segue into great friends. Keep an open mind, and if you clicked with someone, without clicking romantically, stay in touch. After enough time passes, offer to set them up with a friend: “I hope this isn’t weird, but I think you’re awesome and I think you might really like my friend.” After all, it’s good karma.