Call them commitment phobes, call them intimacy averse or call them lucky: There are loads of New Yorkers who have mastered the practice of dating (mind, not relationships). We polled the staff’s most seasoned romancers, who expound here on the rules of drama-free, fun-for-all shenanigans.

Guys to girls  |  Girls to girls  |   Guys to guys  |  Girls to guys

Illustrations: Brendan Leach

Guys to girls:

1 Pay attention to us, not the door. If we’re on a date with you, we are making an effort to pay attention to you by paying you little compliments (“you look great tonight,” “I dig your smile”); looking you in eye 95 percent of the time and letting you catch us staring at your chest 5 percent of the time; repeatedly and without irony asking you pointed questions regardless how inane your responses are. See, we know you expect us to fuck up by staring lasciviously at a younger, rackier girl while we’re out with you, but truth be told, that behavior has pretty much been hammered out of us. Nowadays, women are the ones generally behaving badly. It’s the absolute worst to be with a girl who strains her neck every time the door opens at Beatrice Inn.

2 Turn your phone off.

3 Don’t wear heels that click. Heels that click automatically trigger visions of pasty sorority girls manning clipboards outside of Macy’s.

4 Try to contain your use of the words um, like, yeeaah, totally, omigod, shut up, get out, etc.

5 Touch our knee three times during the date.

6 This is important: Buy the guy a round or two of drinks after dinner. We won’t expect it, we’ll object, but we’ll dig it.

7 Resist the urge to seem aloof. We will resent you and talk shit about you afterward if you put on airs during the date. Instead, be genuine and talk openly about yourself without unloading your entire life story. Moderation and mystery are attractive; your father’s alcoholism and your friend’s depression aren’t.

8 Return our calls and text messages in short order—this doesn’t have to be immediate but close to it. Make it plain that you are into us but are not looking for a relationship. It will make the sex better. If we are being set up and have never met, respond to us promptly: You aren’t doing anyone any favors by playing games. We’ve never even met.

9 Be cool.

10 Men will choose to not call you back before telling you that it’s just not there. But that doesn’t mean you can’t call them out on it. But then, if you have to ask, then you probably know the answer.

11 Expect any functional guy in this city to be dating. If you set up a second date more than a week later, he’s dating around or he’s a workaholic.