Q I’m a gay man in my mid-twenties who’s been in a relationship for the past year. I’m having some trouble in the bedroom, and it’s kind of a two-tiered problem. I began having sex when I was closeted and in college, using the Internet to arrange for random hookups. Naturally, I never started a relationship with any of these guys. It was just casual sex with many different partners. I was used to having sex with one guy, then moving on. It felt a bit dirty and shameful, but ultimately gratifying. So now, while I love my boyfriend dearly, I’m having a hard time becoming aroused in our monogamous sex life. Also, I have a foot fetish, but I’m kind of ashamed about that, too. And much like my first problem, I’m only really attracted to the feet of random strangers. I can never go down on my boyfriend’s feet. Plus, even if I wanted to, the topic has come up in conversation organically and he claims he would never let anyone touch his feet. What to do?!? Sometimes while we’re having sex, I find myself thinking of the feet of past hookups (some of which were foot-related, but most were not) in order to get aroused. I want to make things better in the bedroom with my boyfriend, but I almost feel like I need to be sexually deprogrammed.

AOne of the dastardly repercussions of being in the closet is that you convince yourself that the only kind of sex you deserve is the superficial, fleeting, impersonal kind. That kind of sex can indeed be extremely gratifying in the moment, which only reinforces the programming in a Pavlovian way. I think the reason you’re finding yourself so drawn to the idea of resuming your old habits is because you’ve got some more coming out to do. Just like you had to get over the hurdle of seeing your gayness as something that should be kept hidden due to its shamefulness, now you’ve got to do the same thing with your foot fetish. I’ve talked ad nauseam about the ubiquity and normalcy of fetishes so I won’t go into that again here, but I will say that it sounds like you’ve given up hope that your boyfriend would indulge this fetish based on one throwaway comment. Since you felt rejected by that statement about him never letting anyone touch his feet, you’re now looking to distance yourself from him (by not being fully connected during sex and by fantasizing about random strangers) to avoid being hurt. However, you haven’t allowed for the fact that although your boyfriend doesn’t like the general idea of having his feet sucked on, you still don’t know if he’d do it with you, because of his feelings for you and his desire to make the relationship work. The only deprogramming you really need is to disabuse yourself of the notion that you can’t have hot sex in a loving, nurturing relationship. Sure, it takes work and the ability to make yourself vulnerable, but it’s possible, so come out to your boyfriend about your foot fetish and give it your best shot.

Since I get all sorts of e-mails asking about the effectiveness of various sexual-performance-boosting products, I thought I’d end this week’s column with an interesting bit of news I came across about a “male enhancement” product called Enzyte. From the AP: “A federal court jury on Friday found the owner of a company that sells ‘male enhancement’ tablets and other herbal supplements guilty of conspiracy to commit mail fraud, bank fraud and money laundering.… Prosecutors claimed customers were bilked out of $100 million through a series of deceptive ads, manipulated credit card transactions and the company’s refusal to accept returns or cancel orders.… [Some former employees] testified that the company created fictitious doctors to endorse the pills, fabricated a customer-satisfaction survey and made up numbers to back claims about Enzyte’s effectiveness.” Please stop giving these jokers your money. That is all.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com. Check out “Sex on the Street” with Jamie Bufalino at timeoutnewyork.tv.

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