Q I know you probably get tons of questions like this, but I think that’s all the more reason to address it more often in your column. My 29-year-old girlfriend suffers from a very common problem: a low sex drive. These days we do try to have sex two or three times a week, and when we do it is still amazing, but many of our attempts end in frustration. It takes her a long time to get wet enough for intercourse, and during foreplay she becomes distracted and starts to lose interest. She gets to a “just do it already” mind-set, but she’s not really aroused. We’ve tried switching things up, role-playing, etc. She got off the pill recently because we read how a lower sex drive is a common side effect, but to no avail. She thinks I have saintly patience, but truthfully, I’m losing patience.

A One of the reasons this topic doesn’t get addressed more in this column (aside from the fact that it’s not quite as riveting as butt sex and the various kinks of the week) is that there are so many possible causes for decreased libido that it’s ultimately impossible for me to figure out which one would apply to your girlfriend. You already mentioned the oral-contraceptive possibility, but there’s also depression, anxiety, general fatigue, a hormonal imbalance, side effects from the use of some other medication, and on and on and on. I know this is not what you want to hear (and it hurts me a little to say it), but there’s also the possibility that your girlfriend naturally has a lower sex drive than you, and just because you want to have sex at least three times a week does not mean that (a) she feels the same way and (b) that the person who craves more sex is automatically more normal and therefore should get his way. That “just do it already” anecdote worries me, because it sounds like your girlfriend is the type of person who’d gladly suffer to make you happy rather than let you know exactly how she feels. Instead of losing patience, perhaps you should initiate a no-holds-barred talk in which she’s allowed to reveal her core feelings about sex, the ideal number of times she’d like to have it per week, her favorite ways to get in the mood, how she reacts to being nudged into fucking, etc. It sounds like there might be a lot of unexpressed feelings here, and the more you work at dredging them up and dealing with them, the better your sex life is going to be.

Q Love the column. I’ve actually come to you for advice before and you’ve helped tremendously (27-year-old guy in a loving relationship with a 30-year-old woman who has never orgasmed). Our sex life is still pretty good. We enjoy sex regularly. What has recently become a puzzling and troubling issue for me is how long I’m (not) lasting. I’ve never had a problem orgasming too soon, but all of a sudden (past three weeks), I can’t last more than four minutes without exploding. Its confusing because even with my last girlfriend—who was more sexually liberated, more open-minded and even more physically attractive—I could last forever. With my current girlfriend, it’s as though when I enter her, it feels so incredibly good to me that I lose all self-discipline. I am in love with her and have never felt so safe and comfortable with anyone in my life; does that contribute to this? She says she doesn’t mind at all, but I think she is being incredibly nice about it.

A First of all, I feel the need to say that whenever something starts happening to your body that’s never happened before, it probably is worth a trip to the doctor just to assess that everything’s in working order and that you’re not having side effects from taking a certain medication or whatever. That being said, it also bears noting that three weeks of premature ejaculation does not necessarily mean you have a sexual dysfunction. Lots of guys go through a preemie phase for various reasons and then go back to being their own long-lasting, power-driving selves. Perhaps your girlfriend makes you feel so loved and safe and comfortable that you no longer feel the need to keep up that macho self-disciplined facade at all times and are simply willing to let your body do what it will in the presence of extreme pleasure. That’s a good thing. Right now, I would just go with the flow, but if the issue persists, I’d pay more attention to the warning signs that you’re about to blow and back off. I know that’s easier said than done, but it is possible, and you’ll get better at it the more times you practice. And don’t be so rigid with yourself in terms of how long you think a proper sexual performance should last, don’t be so quick to assume your girlfriend is disappointed in you, and (this one is extremely important, so listen up) don’t ever (and I mean ever) repeat that blasphemy of saying your girlfriend isn’t as physically attractive as your ex. It may be true—who knows?—but just hearing a guy say that about the woman he loves ticks me off.

Q I am a 32-year-old gay man with limited sexual experience, mostly oral sex. If I’m being honest with myself (and you), I think that if/when it comes to anal sex, I would prefer to be the bottom. I’ve been trying to become more comfortable with my body, including my anus, so that I’m a little less squeamish down there. So far, I’ve been able to get one finger in there (yeah, I’m a bit uptight), but I find it difficult to try to get more in. Do you have any advice on how I can open myself up? I thought about buying a dildo, but it seems to me that if I can’t easily insert a few fingers, a dildo would be ridiculous. Are there exercises I can do?

A The first thing I would tell you is, don’t underestimate the amount of warm-up time (and lube) it takes to get your butthole ready for penetration. I understand that porno movies make it seem like a lickety-split event, but it’s actually far less lickety to split the rectal gates than it appears. I also would highly encourage you to buy a dildo (one of the smaller finger-size jobbies, not one from the porn-star collection), because it’ll make the whole self-butt-fucking experience more logistically feasible and it’ll give you more of a feeling of what it would be like to have a penis up there. As far as exercises go, anything that will help you loosen up the body (like deep breathing) and open up that area (like flexing your anal muscles the way you would if you were taking a dump) are good ways to start. Ultimately, it’s just going to take time and a willingness to let go of all those preconceived notions that are keeping you from fully enjoying a completely legitimate and normal aspect of sex.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com. Check out “Sex on the Street” with Jamie Bufalino at timeoutnewyork.tv.

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