Q I am a 26-year-old married female in a monogamous relationship of more than ten years now. About five or six years ago, I was shocked to discover that my husband’s porn consists of rough BDSM, and he has reenacted some of the positions with me. It wasn’t until I discovered his porn that I realized where he got the inspiration. I haven’t found any more BDSM porn lately, but I was shocked at the abuse and humiliation these women subject themselves to. I get that that is the point of BDSM and it’s considered pleasurable for some, but I cringe at the idea of my husband doing it to me. Especially since on the outside, he is a patient, fun, sensitive, caring guy—on the inside I fear his alter ego is angry and may be acting out through S&M sex acts on me. As a result, I feel devalued and less than equal in this relationship—especially since he is unwilling to say “I like it when…” I think if he were more open with me, I could accept it more willingly. I try to tell/show him what I like, but when I attempt to get him to tell me, he denies wanting to try anything new and even acts uncomfortable when I ask him to watch porn with me! Why is that? And how do I (a) get used to the idea of BDSM and/or (b) get him to ask me, “So this might be kinky or weird, but can we try it?” Please help!

A I’m so confused. So you found some of his secret stash of BDSM porn, realized that some of the things you’ve done in bed smack of BDSM (ha! I said “smack of BDSM”), and although you were okay with the BDSM-y stuff you’d done in the past, you wouldn’t be okay with a lot of the BDSM-y stuff you saw in the magazines, and you’ve never had a discussion with him about any of this. This is giving me a very unpleasant flashback to my teenage years, when I hid porno magazines underneath some of that pink insulation stuff in the basement of my parents’ house and then one day, when I was in dire need of the magazines, I went to get them and they were gone. Vanished. No explanation. No discussion. Just passive-aggressively gone. And there I was, forced to masturbate to boring old mental facsimiles. Okay, flashback over, but clearly you two have yet to stop acting like the immature teens you were when you first met. News flash: You can be a patient, fun, sensitive, caring guy and still like to get your BDSM freak on in the sack. It doesn’t mean you’re just biding your time until you chain your wife up in an underground meat locker. There’s no reason for you to feel devalued in your relationship because he’s been too shy/embarrassed/worried/what have you about sharing his secret fetish with you. Why don’t you just help the poor guy out and say, “I found some of your magazines a while back, and I think we should talk about it”? It’s called communication, for crissakes. Yes, it can be awkward at times, but that’s what draws couples closer together. It doesn’t mean you’re going to have to submit yourself to all of his BDSM fantasies. You’ll discuss them, figure out what you’d be into doing and work it out from there.

There was a lot of reader outrage over the recent letter from the 22-year-old guy who liked to date girls in the 17-year-old range. The first thing everyone should know is that in New York, the age of consent is 17, so there’s nothing legally wrong with what this guy is doing; however, that didn’t stop people from writing stuff like this:

Mr. Predator-in-Training needs to take strong action now to modify his preferences. What is now a “gray area” of appropriateness will be much more clearly over the line that defines exploitation when he is 25 or 30 or 50. Combine that with the fact that many 13–15-year-old girls look like they’re 16–18 (and misrepresent their age accordingly), and that sexual preferences of adults for children are notoriously difficult to treat—he needs to get started ASAP on behavior modification. He is heading down a path in which his pursuit of sexual gratification may cause his victims serious and long-term damage…and getting caught later on will expose him to commensurate penalties: (1) being forever marked as a sex offender and the requisite registration and monitoring that comes with it, and (2) if sent to prison, he will be subject to serious abuse himself.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com. Check out “Sex on the Street” with Jamie Bufalino at timeoutnewyork.tv.

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