Q I am a 20-year-old straight guy who just transferred into an NYC university from out of state. My dormmate is a great guy and we share many interests. One of these interests is porn movies. As we have gotten to know each other, we now watch porn together naked and beat off individually. The audience for these flicks has expanded to include other guys from the dorm who also get naked and jack. Lately, some of these guys are whacking each other off while watching the movies. These buddies giving each other hand jobs turns me off. I have felt hands grabbing my prick a few times and have moved away to another seat. I don’t want to be labeled a prude and I don’t want to lose these guys as friends. How can I handle this discreetly?

A You’re not going to be able to control what the other guys say about you, but I highly doubt that a bunch of straight guys will sit around calling you a prude just because you wouldn’t let them touch your dick. That’s why I think the way you’re handling the situation is perfectly fine. You’re not being judgmental or making a big show of being turned off—you’re just taking yourself out of the mix to make it clear that this isn’t your thing. Since this scenario offers up a perfect teaching moment to college-age straight guys, allow me to take advantage of the opportunity: Okay, so imagine that a woman had gotten herself into a sexual situation with a guy and things went beyond where she felt comfortable going, so she backed off. Prude might be one name she’d be called, but I also suspect epithets like cock-tease, frigid and blue-baller (if that’s even a real expression) would be thrown around. So here are two things to keep in mind going forward: (1) “No means no,” even when it’s only guys involved in the sexual situation. And (2) do not force unto others what you would not like them to force unto you.

Q I’m in my thirties, and have been blind since early childhood due to head trauma. Throughout the years I have dated a few women, but as one might imagine, the singles scene for blind men is a bit scant. For the better part of a year I have been dating a sighted woman whose company I very much enjoy, and have started to have more serious feelings for her. As a blind man, however, I have learned to “see” things pretty clearly with my hands, and to put it mildly, my girlfriend is not a looker. From my family and close friends I have become familiar with what might constitute “normal” facial contours, and my girlfriend is sorely lacking in that department—my closest friend has also confirmed this. I’ll be the first to admit that in reality her looks are virtually meaningless to me (I’m not so naive as to pretend that I’m completely blind to her looks, but it’s something I can and have put behind me). My genuine concern, though, is for my children. We have talked of our future together, and that we both want kids, but I am hesitant to adopt and she is adamantly against it. I have only a vague recollection of my own visage, but I know that I’m not so beautiful that our kids would completely escape her genes. As one who has lived a life with a debilitating ailment, the last thing I would wish upon my children is a life burdened by something they cannot control. Should I move on? Do I say fuck it and let my children learn to deal as I have? P.S. If you publish this, please also respond via e-mail so my computer can read it aloud to me.

A If you were planning to start having kids immediately, my gut reaction would be: Please, don’t do it—but it’s not because of your girlfriend. It’s because you’ve got a distorted idea of what being a parent is all about. First of all, there’s no way—as your parents found out—that you can completely insulate your kids from having life burden them with something beyond their control. Second, trying to shelter your kids from hardship (even before they’ve reached the zygote stage, for crying out loud) is the perfect way to make them afraid of life, which would be the biggest, most joy-crushing burden of all. You have to have faith that your kids will—like you—find a way to turn whatever deficits they’re dealt into something positive. Now, you’ll notice that I haven’t yet addressed the question of your girlfriend’s aesthetic beauty, and that’s because I can’t get over the feeling that I stepped into a Seinfeld episode. The concept of a blind man contemplating dumping his girlfriend because of the way she looks is just too mind-bogglingly bizarre. Perhaps that’s being a bit condescending—who am I to deny your fingertips the joy of tracing over sculpted cheekbones? But come on, you of all people should have learned that the fragility of life should make you focus on the stuff that really matters; a person you like a lot and who has touched you emotionally falls into that category, whereas physical beauty that can’t even be seen does not. Although I started off by suggesting you not have kids right now, I get the feeling that, with a little work and introspection, there’s no reason why you two shouldn’t have kids. But don’t do it because you want to spawn a genetically perfect specimen—what fun would that be? Do it because you can’t wait to discover what kind of person—flaws and all—will be produced from the love you’ve developed for your girlfriend.

Q Just wanted to respond to your response to that guy who couldn’t figure out how to label himself because he loves biological women and transgender women who leave their penises intact. While your assumption may be true, I don’t think being attracted to a transgender women with a dick necessarily means he is a bit gay. There are plenty of straight guys who enjoy women with strap-on dildos. I am a gay man, and I am not sexually attracted transgender women at all. Even if they weren’t biologically born that way, they are still women. It seems you are trying to disregard that and trying to shove transgender women into the male category. This is offensive to the transgender community. It seems you fail to recognize the broad spectrum of gender (male, female, transgender male, transgender female, intersexuals/hermaphrodites, etc.). Just wanted to give my homo worldview.

A I certainly appreciate your worldview, but in fairness to me, I wasn’t trying to disregard transgender women’s womanhood, I was simply focusing on their obvious manliness—their penises. Call me old-school, but I tend to think that when transgender-loving “straight” guys have a thing for penises, they’re just not as straight as they think they are. I don’t necessarily mean they’re gay, but I think they should be self-aware enough to admit their homo tendencies rather than trying to pass the penis off as just some dangly inconvenience they have to deal with in order to get their transgender rocks off. Oh, and that whole “strap-on dildo” argument doesn’t work; in fact it bolsters my point: If straight men were into real, live penises, they’d just get fucked by a dude rather than have the women in their life go buy a plastic penis-replacement device.

Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com. Check out “Sex on the Street” with Jamie Bufalino at timeoutnewyork.tv.

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