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Q I’m a married male in his early thirties. Is it healthier, relatively speaking, to jerk off to memories of ex-girlfriends or to soft-core, mainstream nude celeb photos/vids? Neither feels totally right, but which is better—still getting off on distant past flings or actively seeking out material online?
A First of all, I’m not sure—what with Darfur still needing to be saved and all—that this much brainpower should be dedicated to the proper selection of masturbation images, but since you asked for my opinion, I’m going to give it to you. As it happens, I recently read a blog post from some dude who was trying to argue that jacking off to porno movies was pretty much the equivalent of committing adultery. Naturally, I allowed myself a good 15 minutes of laughing out loud, and another ten to languish in my feeling of smug superiority, before I finally accessed the part of me that I reserve for perpetual outrage at human stupidity. I don’t know why people (mostly of the war-loving conservative persuasion) have the need to make themselves feel dirty about their sexual urges, but the world would be a much saner place if they kept those masochistic impulses to themselves. Being married doesn’t mean you have to stop having sex with yourself—it’s perfectly healthy and natural to want to grab some sexual alone time now and again. In fact, I would argue that it’s far more disrespectful to force your wife to drop everything and get down to servicing you every time you felt the need to blow a load. Furthermore, since your masturbation sessions are your time to focus solely on getting yourself off, you shouldn’t even have to concern yourself about which mental images would be most pleasing (or least offensive) to your wife. When it comes to masturbation, I say, “To thine own self be true.” Having said all that, however, I actually think it’s healthier to jack off to soft-core nude celebs than past flings, and here’s why: With the celebs, you’re dealing with pure fantasy material, whereas with the past flings you’re getting off on thinking about certain physical traits or sexual escapades that got you hot both back then and—judging by that erection in your hand—now. So why not try to re-create those sexual antics with the woman who’s currently in your life? Your wife may not have the rack your past girlfriend did, but surely there’s some way to get her to join in on those good old times. In other words, I don’t want you to close off a part of yourself to your wife just because you’re perfectly content to access those feelings during your jack-off sessions. Otherwise, I grant you full permission to a lifetime’s worth of carefree whacking.
Q My partner and I are both 38 years old, and we’ve been together for eight years. We’ve had little to no sex during that time. Not because of me, but because he’s really not into it. He’s not out to his family and friends, and he hasn’t told them about me. I recently found out—via his computer—that he’s been hooking up with people who are older and heavier than I am. I’m in total shock. I’ve been trying to make this relationship work, but I’m starting to feel like a fool, like nothing was ever there from the beginning. I’m still trying to process this in my head, but I feel stuck. What do you think?
A I know that it’s almost impossible not to go to the “How could the uncaring bastard do this to me?” place when you find out about a betrayal like this, but what you need to tap into is your compassion for a guy who’s got a lot of self-loathing going on. If, after eight years of being in a relationship with you, he still can’t get himself to come out to his family and friends, you know his own homophobia must be overwhelming. And one of the first casualties of killer homophobia like that is a healthy sex life, because there’s nothing like having good, monogamous man-on-man sex with someone you care about to kick a homophobic person’s self-loathing into overdrive (“Oh fuck, this means I’m really a full-on homo”). So follow me now, because this gets a bit twisted: Even though he can’t get himself to have sex with you, he still has sexual urges that he needs to satisfy, which he does in a way that is shallow, hollow and self-destructive (voilà: homo sex and punishment in one!). Eight years is a long time to spend with someone, and I don’t want to treat that lightly, but I just can’t see how it makes sense for either you or him to continue this way. He’s got a lot of issues he needs to address before he can be a proper partner to anyone, and you certainly deserve better than what you’ve been getting out of this deal.
Q I’m a straight 22-year-old female, and the only way I can have an orgasm is by thinking about being spanked. I want to be able to come from sex itself, without having to consciously bring it on with a fantasy. I’m not trying to get rid of it completely, but I find that it’s difficult to connect during sex, because to attain my most enjoyable moment, I have to retreat into my own mind and lose focus on the fucking. I’ve had plenty of playful ass-slappings, which I enjoy very much, but I wouldn’t want to reenact the kind of punishment scenarios I have in my head with someone I’m intimate with. I value equality in a relationship. I’ve never been able to talk about this with anyone, and I worry that if I don’t deal with it, it will forever affect my ability to enjoy sex and really appreciate my partner.
A Frankly, I think you’ve placed too many sex rules on yourself: must shut down brain and focus on fucking; can’t be spanked and maintain equality in the relationship. I get that you don’t like having to rely on the same crutch to come, but trust me, you’re not going to be the first person in the world who was able to completely divorce her brain from the act of having sex. I think your main problem is that you’re desperate to share this spanking fetish with someone you’re intimate with, but you’ve already convinced yourself that that just can’t happen. Why not? Just because you like getting spanked doesn’t mean you have to be submissive in the relationship. In fact, it would be mighty empowering for you to actually ask for something you want, get it and then go back to living your regular life. For some reason, you seem to think this fetish makes you some kind of unspeakable freak show. Hardly. I bet most guys would be extremely turned on by helping you live out your fantasy. You just need to be less judgmental of yourself and to take a risk on letting the guys you’re with get to know the real you.
Send letters to Jamie Bufalino c/o Time Out New York, 475 Tenth Avenue, 12th floor, New York, NY 10018, or send e-mail to sex@timeoutny.com. Check out “Sex on the Street” with Jamie Bufalino at timeout.com/newyork/video.
