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I’ve had a parade of boyfriends since I was 14. There was Peter, Greg, Dan, Jeff, Mike, James, John and Alex, to name a few. In retrospect, the panoply of biblically named boyfriends makes me look like a serial dater.
But that relationship eagerness has changed since a bad breakup two years ago. I’ve become terrified of the label “boyfriend.” I’ve used it, but sparingly. And when someone recently referred to the guy I’ve been seeing since March as my boyfriend, I rushed to correct him.
My sudden commitment phobia seems to stem from three factors: (1) fear of being tied down (I have partnership exhaustion), (2) fear of losing myself in a relationship and (3) scars from the one guy that I would commit to. I can’t seem to stop my knee-jerk “hell-if-I’m-gonna-let-a-guy-hurt-me-like-that-again” reaction.
And I’m not alone: Cheryl, 28, told me that she believes women avoid the b-word because “when something bad happens, they’re embarrassed. There is a certain sense of shame when your boyfriend fucks up or the relationship just falls apart. If you never call him that, then it’s easier to brush off.”
I think we convince ourselves that if the guy we’re with isn’t our “boyfriend” then he can’t hurt us—which has been proven untrue time and again. Sometimes we don’t want to commit due to fear of a different sort; we are afraid of missing out on “the one” (the romantic view), a bigger, better deal (the jaded view), or simply someone who’s a better match (the practical view). “We would all gladly be tied down to a person we thought was the cream of the crop,” writes Suzie, 26. “Both men and women are guilty of holding out for something better.”
Feeling guilty for wanting your partner to be as good as possible? Maybe that’s the problem. If women didn’t beat themselves up over their desire for something more than a subpar relationship, there would be a lot fewer women complaining about their love lives—and their lives in general. Settling, ladies, is never better than being alone.
Maintaining a relationship can be a very demanding part-time job with extremely odd hours; it can rewarding, but you will have to make compromises. Most women have a story about how they “lost” themselves in a guy at one time or another. I think that’s a sure sign that you’ve become dependent on someone else to define who you are.
Here’s the traditional way of looking at it: “I’m convinced that the right guy—who sticks around long enough to prove himself to be genuine, sincere, honest—will start turning this commitment-phobe phase around for me,” writes Ellen, 24. “Maybe it’s a romantic notion, but I still think it all depends on the right person.”
But the right person isn’t just about him, it’s also about you.
So when I’m ready (and he’s right), a little label like “boyfriend” probably won’t seem like that big of a deal anyway.
E-mail her at julia@timeoutny.com.
diana
Mon, Jul 07, at 09:46am
She doesn't know what commitment is because commiting to someone would mean having to consider someone else's feelings and needs. As it stands she currently regularly slaps don her rather cloying "boyfriend" on multiple public forums. Only a sucker would endure that.
diana
Mon, Jul 07, at 09:42am
Let's bottom line this, as my dad always says. Ms. Allison's only fear is not getting more attention. Admitting that she had a boyfriend would only cut off the attention. I'm beyond exhausted by this vapid nit wit's constant persecution complex. She's not a victim. She's a self-involved brat who doesn't liek to share the spotlight. A man doesn't fit in that tiny little spotlight she carries around all day. She doesn't know what commitment is because commiting to someone would mean having to cons
diana
Mon, Jul 07, at 09:36am
Let's bottom line this, as my dad always says.
Vanessa
Thu, Jul 03, at 05:13pm
you are a moron.
