Photographs: Roxana Marroquin

I’ve never gone full-on Elton John regarding ridiculous eyewear, but boring frames don’t inspire me. Yes, some call me a “pioneer” or a “visionary,” the way I boldly colonized geek chic way before it was cool—mostly by being comfortable with my preexisting geekdom. I even went so far as to convert a pair of vintage, blond-tortoise Malcolm X—type shades into daytime specs just after high school (a.k.a. the Paleolithic era). Surely, my specs proclaimed, here was a future critic of Eli Roth movies. My eyes (deep chocolate pools of wisdom) hadn’t really deteriorated, so new lenses weren’t an issue until my frames started to crack and fall apart over the years. As they crumbled, the time to bid adieu to my glasses came—as did a strange sense of panic. Goodbye, identity? Some retailers, such as Fabulous Fannies, only confirmed this: “You’ll never find frames like those again,” a shop guy murmured.

To the rescue: the good folks at retro eyewear emporium, Moscot. I headed down to their Orchard Street location—a veritable shrine to their own classic frames, dating back to the 1910s—with my consigliere in tow (you should bring a friend for aesthetic support). Here were all modes of clunky yet undeniably sincere (and maybe even hot­) options. Upstairs, I tried on a zillion pairs, while the kibitzing staff asked my friend if she and I were married. It’s that type of place: not pushy, but social. I discovered that I needed a complete psychic adjustment: Since I couldn’t duplicate my former glorious frames, I figured I’d at least try to look like a prominent Jewish politician. As soon as I slipped on the Henry Kissinger–esque Nebb frames, I knew it was kismet. “Now you look like a nice young man!” said an old lady. Moscot is full-service, from the eye exam and manufacture of the lenses, to the motherly advice. Online, they describe my Nebb frames as “raw” and “aggressive.” Obviously, they forgot to add “awesome” and “dork reborn.”

Various locations throughout the city; go to moscot.com for more info.

—Joshua Rothkopf